Last night in the middle of a meeting I began to feel dizzy and nauseated. I was light-headed and feeling the world move with that sea-sickness kind of drift as I turned my head, moved a book, etc…I really hate that feeling. Oddly enough that is the same physical feeling of being drunk, and I didn’t mind that when I was drinking. Now it is just another way to feel out-of-control in a stable world. So after the meeting I went home and went right to bed. It was 9PM. It felt so good to be enclosed in cool sheets, covered by warm blankets, and feeling the sensation of blood flowing horizontally through my legs. I slept until 11AM this morning, waking up and feeling slightly groggy. I have a slight headache now, but the spins seem to have gone away.
With all that I have been through in the past 5 years I can point to PTSD as a reason. I am trying desperately to reclaim some kind of life from what I have left. As an ex-felon, much of the world is closed to me. I will never make the big bucks in a high-end job. My political future is sunk (damn!). Many doors are closed to me. It seems sometimes that the only thing I have left is a certain financial security from my family and the ability to put words on paper. I could do worse than pursuing that avenue. So I am going back to school to learn the things I missed out on in college. I had to cancel a meeting this morning with a teacher, and I hope he forgives me. I called last night before I swam into bed and made my apologies. I need to speak with him, though, and discuss an idea for a paper in his class. I hope to meet with him next Monday.
So this creeping ennui, or malaise, is something I’m dealing with today. I will do what I need to do to fulfill my end of the bargain I have made with my hopes and dreams.
I have read a few short stories from 3 different books for one class. I will read some philosophy from the textbook for another. I will practice my new moves with this old life, trying to remember that I cannot start over again, only continue from where I think I have left off. It’s like arriving back at the main road after taking a wrong turn in the dark and foggy night. It’s a relief to be on the highway, yes, but at times the scenery isn’t as vibrant as that wrong turn, full of pitfalls, narrow escapes, and hairpin turns on twisting mountain roads. Living on the edge seems to be fun at times but the safety and security of a well-lit path holds its own charms as well. Today only thinks it’s boring.
I finally went to see “Capote” the other day. Amazing film. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays Truman Capote with an ability that made me remember what an ‘actor’ is supposed to do. It is not good enough to portray a fictional character wherein the actor can infuse his own characteristics upon him. An actor should be able to mimic an actual person from history, making the viewer forget he is watching a a staged production. Stunning work. Go see it, quick!
So I have seen all the films up for ‘Best Picture’ and, I must admit, they all deserve the award. I am so pleased that this year there was no crap like “Titanic” to squeeze out the quality work. All the films are great, they should all win, but if “Capote” doesn’t win, well…something is rotten in Denmark.
So in light of reclaiming my future, here are 3 new haiku. I stop publishing those old ‘jail’ haiku in an attempt to remind myself to live in the present and hope for the future.
Light snow falling slow
no wind to blow it away
a crow calls loudly.
Rain falls on the roof
snow melting in winter fields
gray trees and gray sounds.
The years weigh heavy
taken on by fate.