There is nothing I can do except stay out of their way.  The can bulldoze all they want through this term and I am keeping myself clear of their chaos, and there will be chaos, especially when we reach the island.  I doubt these kids will get much work done.  That being said I am the once who needs to get my work done, be selfish with my time and resources.  I can also set a few ground rules with them regarding the dark room and what that means.  There is only one I need to talk to and all he needs to know that there is no place for drunkenness or goofing off in the dark room with his buddies after a long night drinking.  This can be said with candor, honesty and, I hope, a sense of man-to-man straightforwardness.

Regarding my own program of action:  I will be attending the Tuesday night meetings on the island and, possibly, the Monday night group as well.  The second group is Greek-speaking, but it is easy enough to have translator for the bi-lingual angle.  This, on top of my mp3 speakers, phone calls and Skyping once on a while can keep me sober, sane, happy, joyous and free.

I will be in Rome tomorrow and I have the addresses for the meetings there.  They are a short, but uphill, walk from the hotel.  I will be grateful to be able to hit two–Monday and Tuesday evening.

Regarding the behavior of others…What I learned from last year is a gift from the Al-Anon program:  I didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it.  What a relief that is!  Once again this is  a one-day-at-a-time formula for living that insures my own emotional sobriety.

More will be revealed…Johnnyboy

I am in Italy.  Next week I’ll be in Greece.  I have attended a couple of meetings in Florence (noon and evening) but not since the beginning of the month.  This can be a dangerous predicament, but so far, so good. I have remained in contact with God all the while-hitting my knees, asking for help, minding my own business, being calm…so I del pretty good.  Today started off early, so I’ll have to watch for being tired this afternoon.  I will be in Rome for a couple of days next week so I will try to get to a meeting while I am there.  It seems that even the intent to go to meetings is a good start to keeping spiritually fit.  I was listening to a speaker last night on my laptop and he reminded me that attendance at a few meetings is alright, but no substitute for working the Steps.

When I am back in Greece I have the Parthenon Group while I am in Athens and then the small group on the island while I am on Paros.  I can make the Tuesday night meeting this time since I do not have the commitment to the art history lecture that I have had before.  This brings up the topic of me, my future and what that means.  I have no idea.  That’s the long and short of it.  I really must let God take these things in hand. True, I can do all the footwork, but sometimes even that is unclear.  Suit up and show up–and sometimes sit down and shut up.

Does my life include a larger role on Paros?  Am I successfully, if slowly, removing myself from the caregiving role I have had for so long?  I am still being asked to micro-manage some pooches from afar, but that’s alright as long as these actions do not become to consuming of my time and energies.  More will be revealed…

Johnnyboy

Anyway…I have also sent out an email blast to my worldwide AA friends about having some Skype get-togethers while I am away and on the island. So far two responses–one from Australia and the other from Serbia.  This will be a good start.  It really is up to me to stay sober and sane and if I want it bad enough, I’ll go to any lengths.  To that aim I have made a decision to go to the Tuesday night meeting in Marpissa and skip the art history lecture.  I have been through that lecture already so I won’t miss anything.

I am wary about what the Italian experience will be.  I am certainly not going to be stand-offish, but I have to remember my place as an adult in a group of much younger adults than I, some of whom have never experienced the world outside America.  I must be the quiet guide to their questions and wondering eyes. I must also not be their teacher.  As a sober man I must be the upstanding example of sobriety and not some nut-job.

So I begin the packing…More long pants for this trip, lighter sweaters, neater wear as opposed to the island fashion that Paros demands.  August 29th approaches…

More to come…Johnnyboy

I wrote this in an email to a friend this afternoon.  Since that time I have gained a level of acceptance for my future, my life and my being that I have rarely felt.  I have been able to let go of much fear in the past few days. I feel the root of this ‘letting go’ began when I decided that it was time to leave the care-giving of my mother to the caregivers and slip into a healthy stream of life.  At a meeting tonight an AA friend told me he is moving to Albany to re-energize a gay activist group he was a big part of in the 1980s.  The time has come again for this group to act.  This has inspired me to think, “Why not Albany?  Why not an urban center with a large community?”   If I were to try to predict my path for the next few years, or set a goal of life along predetermined lines, I would be selling myself short.  I wish to be happy, joyous and free, with the emphasis on ‘free. This is what I will practice, one day at a time.

Johnnyboy

Recently a young woman sent a comment to the old address of this blog, when it was on Blogspot.  It has been a while and she said so.  It’s a strange comment and although her blog seems to be real, it smacks of Spamminess.  She also, like many young people in AA, have violated the 11th Tradition by posting her picture and hometown on the ‘About/Contact’ page.  Granted, no last name, but how many Lydia’s from Wilkes-Barre in AA are there?  I have emailed her thanking her for the comment and redirecting her to the newer site. I also reminded her about the 11th Tradition and about how GSO has concluded that this now applies to electronic media as well.  Whatever.  Newcomers.  I was that excited too, and naive.  Still, there is probably more hope for her than the members of my home group who cannot see that by selling Hazelton literature we are aligning and supporting an outside institution, thus in conflict with the 6th Tradition.  They voted that one in…

Johnnyboy

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

I went with a few expectations, most of which did not come to pass.  I did not get laid, for example.  I did not meet up with old friends from my family’s P’town days, although I did make a good run at it.  Not getting any hot man-to-man sex was probably a good thing.  I doubt if I could have handled it emotionally.  I would have become too attached, perhaps, or made too little of it.  It would have been nice, though.  I was prepared for any event (condoms, lube, etc…) but they stayed neatly in my shaving kit for the weekend.  I did, however, meet up with a couple of nice guys from Boston and hung out with them for a while. There were some good laughs and some phenomenal meetings.  I was dismayed a little by the sense of “ghetto” in the sober and queer community.  By “ghetto” I am referring to the classical definition of apartness  and separateness one sees in small communities that see themselves as being different from the larger social structure.  One can see this in the Orthodox Hasidim community in Brooklyn.  This concept also exists in the gay community. Many of the gay sober folk do not go to “straight” meetings as they feel homophobia or a need to speak to only those who walk that same path of sexual identity.  While I recognize that this is a valid belief, I do not follow this assumption.  I feel that AA is about sobriety, not who or how I like to screw. After all, a gay man inspired the writing of  ”Tradition Three” as a way to keep all alcoholics in the fold and deny no one the chance to find sobriety-that was 1948.  Homosexuality was still considered to be a crime in most places and referred to as “sexual deviancy”.   It seems that AA was ahead of the curve in civil rights.

In any case, it was an educational weekend, for sure.  I hoped to deal with some of my own internalized homophobia, and I did.  I realized that I am a little jealous of those gay men who act more flamboyantly than I.  My solution is to see and accept my feminine internal parts and celebrate them.  The workshop helped a great deal. Easy fix, but a lifetime job.  I heard about a book called “The Velvet Rage” and am currently reading that.  The link I have provided is to someone else’s blog, but there is a link to a bookseller from his writings.   Good stuff, even if all of the case studies do not apply to me.  Many do.  The writer of the book is also in recovery, so that perspective helps.  I am learning things about myself that I missed when I first came out in ’99.  I was far too numb from substance abuse for any soul-searching or internal education.  Now I can handle it, and this process is clearing up a lot of poor thinking and negative growth.  It is very much a 4th Step attitude, with some 9th Step self-amends healing to finish it off.

So I go to my meetings.  I’m out to those who I think it necessary to tell, but many people already know anyway, or knew, suspected, etc…Who cares?  That’s what my straight sponsor feels, and I agree.  This is about recovery.  I can go to LGBT AA meetings for that special need, or sense, that I need to get from that community, but I am here to get and stay sober.  All the rest is gravy, or maybe pearl jam.  About the closet?  Well….If you saw a tall, fashionably dressed guy with Armani glasses, a grey and purple Calvin Klein scarf and a blue beret walk into meeting you’d think he was gay.  I know I would.

Johnnyboy

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy

Excellent workshops, fantastic fellowship and the promises coming true…

More to come,

Johnnyboy

The gay and lesbian meetings were superb.  While some panel groups had 250 to 300 people in the room, the LGBT discussions were held in larger ballrooms that held, with standing room only, 1000 people, and they were packed.  Mind-blowing to say the least.  There was a lot of  discussion around Tradition 3, which was formed because a gay man wanted to be part of AA in the 1940s.  So it is because of this situation that all AAs can be a part of if they say so, not the group.

One of the closing speakers on Sunday in the Alamo Dome also remarked that when she got out of prison at the ripe age of 21 and went to her first outside meeting no one wanted to know why she went there or what she had done.  They were just happy to see her there.  Would it be that some groups around here acted like that.  Too many AAs in this neck of the woods are too concerned with the business of others.  Curiosity doesn’t explain it or apologize for the nosiness of these folks.  They can all meet at their own meetings, which they do, at noon in the village-by-the-lake, and gossip as much as they wish.  Me?  I’ll stay away from them and stick with the winners.

Johnnyboy