Entries Tagged 'Alcoholism and Recovery' ↓

I have discovered that if I really work the 12 Steps and frame my life within their guidance, I am much more serene, happy and successful at living than if I were to disregard them or take them granted.  It is all about my spiritual program and acting, not thinking, soberly.

My mother is very excited about my upcoming trip to Greece.  She keeps on reminding me that “your grandmother would be so proud of you” and that she is proud of me as well.  I have been able to help her these past years and still do today.  She is in much better shape than she was last year,mostly due to the introduction of the O2.  She will do fine during my absence.

My cat, on the other hand, is not so well.  She is losing her back teeth.  She has gingivitis.  This has been addressed by the vet but their response is that although we can care for our pet’s teeth, some breeds of cat have bad teeth to begin with. Poor Sweetie Pie.  Other than that she is the sweetheart with a temper that she has always been.

Off to Greece in 5 days!

Johnnyboy

It’s pouring rain outside and windy.  The temperature is around 50 degrees.  It’s January.  In two days the weatherman says the temp is supposed to drop to a high of 25.  Back to winter we go.

I am off to Greece in 36 days.  I ran through a test-pack of my carry-on camera/shoulder bag and it’s not too heavy, plus everything is well distributed.  I am bringing two film rangefinders (my Voigtlander R4M and the old Canon QL17 GIII) and my small Canon Digital Rebel XT with a 28-135mm lens and a 50mm.  The school said that it is not necessary to bring a digital camera, but if you are comfortable with a specific one, to do that.  The other option is that I bring the Beast (Canon 50D) and its lenses.  That would increase my weight considerably, so I am leaving the Beast behind.

Mom is doing very well, but is nervous about my leaving.  I am nervous as well.  I am moving into a new realm of travel and having to turn a lot over to HP while I am gone.  It is good practice for me since I should be doing that every day anyway.

My significant relationship is going well, as far as I can tell.  I like it the way it is, but I am unsure about her.  I think she wants marriage and children and that is not in the cards for me.  Today I will ask her about these things.  It is better to know than to try to be a mind-reader.

More will be revealed!

Johnnyboy

In 57 days I head back to Greece for the spring semester.  I will be there until June 1oth and then return for a lovely summer.  I have some work lined up for the summer and early fall, so I’ll be happy to do that.  I will be assisting a photographer friend with some weddings and then shooting her wedding in September.

I am taking two bags with me, as usual.  My backpack, with most of my clothes, incidentals, toilet kit, etc…and my large Domke camera bag, which will hold two cameras (film and digital), three lenses, battery chargers, batteries, paperwork for travel, and a few odds-and-ends.  The film I will buy in Greece.  I can stash it in the over-head bin.  It’s not huge, but bigger than the Timbuk2 messenger bag which I will also bring– stowed in my backpack.  It is still the best “walking around” bag I have found.

I am having issues these days regarding home care, it seems.  All the women are doing great, but I am having a tough time.  Mom has aged a great deal since last spring, and even though her mind is better and the O2 has improved her life, I want to make sure that she is in the best hands when I leave.  So I am over-micromanaging and hovering.  This is not good behavior, I know, but I cannot help it.  One of the women, at least, bugs the crap out of me and, although she and mom get along and she is a gentle, kind soul, she can’t figure out that this is a job and she needs to treat it like one.  This is not an experiment in social living or communal dynamics.  It’s our home, I’m her employer, and if she can’t deal with it, she’s gone.

I am dating lovely woman from California who is also in recovery.  We are very relaxed, there is little or no baggage, and it is fun.  That’s all you get to hear about her.  She is not blog fodder.

When I return from Greece I will have to write three short papers and submit them to my school so I can get credit for the three courses I will take in Greece.  This is a humiliating and backwards process and reminds me that I am happy that perhaps I can say ‘goodbye’ to SUNY Empire State College this summer.  Although it has improved my life, the bureaucratic bean-counters deserve little or no thanks for sitting on their rapidly widening asses and pushing virtual paperwork.  Once I receive my diploma, then I will write a letter to the ESC president and complain.

Drama, drama…

Johnnyboy

Last year after the Greek AA Convention I went to the small island of Paros with an AA friend to visit her former home and alma mater, the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts.  I was impressed with the small competitive school and set my next goal on applying, being accepted and attending the school to finish my BA.  I went through the process, which I think I have written about already.  I was informed last week that I have been accepted!  This was a shock, because I didn’t think I would be notified until December.  I am excited, nervous and very much looking forward to being there.  My semester begins March 8, 2010 and ends on June 7th.  I will be taking three classes (12 credits) which will finish my BA from SUNY Empire State College.  What a great way to cap off my 5-year academic odyssey.  All of this is a direct result of my finding sobriety and grabbing hold with all the desperation of a drowning man.

My mother’s health is very good these days and we are both looking forward to seeing my sister and her husband over the Thanksgiving week.  They are coming to visit and will be here for a few days.  It will be a quiet few days and, I hope, restful for our guests.

I have been participating in a commitment with a nearby Men’s AA Group.  Twice a month we bring a meeting into the very same jail I spent 19 months in between winter 2003 and fall 2004.  I was nervous at first, but truly feel that I am able to leave, any of the ghosts behind me every time I lave the facility.  Next week we go back in on the night before Thanksgiving.  Having been there, perhaps I can deliver the message that these guys never have to spend another family holiday in jail again, if they choose.  What a wonderful sense of forgiveness I have found in this action, this 12 Step work and this program of recovery.  I have been granted a new life in sobriety, one that I could not have imagined had I stayed drinking and playing at being God.

Johnnyboy

There was a time when I was very angry.  I have written about it here and I have worked the 12 Steps to recover from not only my drinking but from those character defects.  I also work with others so I know their anger as well.  I have a good friend who is angry.  She has a couple of sober years, but she is in her early sixties and has a whole lifetime of living with her character defects and all the damage.  She has a sponsor and is at the stage where she is writing her 4th Step.  It is to be expected that her anger will come up to the surface,  Tonight she told me that there are more things about me that she likes compared to the things she dislikes.  Frankly, I am beginning to dislike her.  It is too bad, because I am sure there are wonderful things about her.  What I really dislike is the way she instantly trots out her experience as a grown woman to avoid looking at her past.  I am probably misreading the signs, but this is how I feel.

I think she should start hanging around with more women and not me.  There are many other things I could say, but that would be judgmental.  I am sure that I have gone through the same growing pains as she has.

Johnnyboy

I have finished and handed in the final draft of my thesis on Yugoslavia in the 20th century.  This has been a huge endeavor and represents 5 years of study, research and travel.  It is done.  I felt good, at the end, in making some bold presumptions concerning the future of SE Europe, and that was it.  Now there is a space in my life…What’s next?  I still have to write some personal words about my goals for photography for the b/w darkroom course I am engaged in and finish the small portfolio I have started.  I can do the lab work next week and write the paper today.  Then I will have finished the semester, take the fall off, and cross my fingers over the spring semester in Greece.  I have begun thinking that even if I do not get in to the school, that I will go anyway for the time and visit the southern Mediterranean during the off season, finishing up my trip with the Greek convention.  In many ways I need a break from the former Yugoslavia and Greece and Turkey might be the ticket.

The date did not happen. I asked and she said ‘no’, but nicely.  The experience put me in an emotional tailspin that landed me on my pity-pot for a few hours.  I lost all gratitude for the above experiences as well as the whole of the past 7 years of sobriety.  I eventually snapped out of it and let it go.

Mom has bursitis in her hip. She also thinks she has been driving her car for the whole year-and-a-half she has been in bed, in the hospital, or whatever.  What a shocker for her.  ”Bullshit”, she said.  ”I can drive…I still have my licence.” “Sorry, but you cannot.”  I guess we should all be thankful that she can fight back, but that’s all he can do.  She cannot win.  She’ll wreck the car if she gets behind the wheel.  Time to keep an eye out.  She might try to make a break for it…

Johnnyboy

My paper on Yugoslavia is done.  I have handed in the final ‘first draft’ but there isn’t much to correct, in my opinion.  The bibliography will be adjusted and tacked on, but what should I call it the paper?

I have been doing a lot of old-time AA service these days: driving guys around to meetings and so forth.  there has been one kid that I have been driving to meetings.  He is, in my opinion, a real mess.  He is on 15 different medications for bi-polar, addiction, etc…and I am not sure if I would call him sober of not since one of them is a med that keeps the urge to use heroin at bay.  That’s chemically induced clean-time.  I’m glad he’s not my sponsee.  If he ever asked, I would have to say ‘No.’

Mom is doing well and her mood and memory seem to be leveling out in a good and happy space.

I have asked a woman from a nearby AA group out on a date…yet again.  This will be the third (?) attempt at dating and it is pretty low-key.  She lives in the Big City most of the week and I have asked her to be my date at a photography opening in early November.  Nothing serious, just the show, then maybe a quick bite and then I have to head back home on the train.  I am not even considering sex…well, I suppose I am, but that’s normal.  I am not expecting it, that’s for sure.

I have registered for the 2010 International AA Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas.  It will be a big deal, with about 80,000 people in attendance.  AA holds it every 5 years.  How fun!  I am thinking of driving the 4000+ mile round-trip journey, but that is far away from now.

Johnnyboy

My paper on Yugoslavia is finished.  All I have to do is finalize the bibliography, correct some of the last few pages, and submit it for official inspection.  Done.  All forty pages.  Granted, I could have written the thing in two weeks, but it took me all summer.  Now I can concentrate on the b/w work in the darkroom and be through that as well.  12 credits to go after this month!  A light at the end of the tunnel…

On an AA note, I realized last night what Step Six means.  It means that my character defects limit me from being all that I could be.  It seems obvious, but it has taken me 6 years to understand that concept.  I think my friend Lolly is right…A Step a year…

I ran into an old friend at the Men’s Group last week.  He was always a good man, supportive of me and now he has 6 months of sobriety.  We talked of old times and he told me that another old colleague had OD’d last year sometime–found dead in his dirty, dark apartment.  Too much Crack. His heart exploded.  No one was surprised.  I certainly wasn’t.  RIP George Benner–It could have been me.

Johnnyboy

As former GSR of my AA homegroup I am still on the mailing list.  This means that I have received the applications for the 2010 International Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas next July.  I am going, and have only to mail my registration and book my room.  I’ll do that today.

I brought the applications to the meeting last night and made the announcement, held up the flyers, etc…Then I saw that the registration applications went into the chairperson’s notebook, which means they will never be seen again.  This makes me sick, and opens my eyes again to the apathy that surrounds me in this program.  This group is full of people with long-term sobriety who do nothing outside of coming to one meeting a week (maybe two) and leaving it at that.  How sad.  They have lost the gift of desperation and in doing so dampen the exciting fire of sobriety that I felt when I came into the rooms, and still feel at certain meetings.  They no little or nothing of the 12 Traditions (which are not suggestions, like the Steps), and to top it off, I found out last week at a business meeting that the current treasurer (15 years sober) had no idea what a prudent reserve was.  Once again, puking time is upon me.

In any case, their sobriety is not my own, and they can do what they want, but they give the impression that it is OK to just go to meetings and so forth.  They take it all for granted.  Blah, blah, blah…listen to me go.

Good news is all around me…Mom is doing much better (reading, with it, etc…) and the world still spins on its wobbly axis despite my disappointment with a bunch of whinging old ladies.  I am going to finish my thesis and photo class by the end of next week and move along in life.  This, I declare, is my goal today.

Johnnyboy

Mom is adjusting to the O2 scene very well.  She instinctively knows how to adjust it on her face when she needs to blow her nose and hasn’t complained about having to wear the cannula.  The new twist is her mental state.  She doesn’t think she is at home, but rather has been brought someplace else.  We have seen this before, but not at this level of insistence or depth.  It is common with dementia and Alzheimer’s patients to experience this, and it ill only progress deeper.  Last night she woke up several times and wanted to “go home”.  Soon we she will want to make telephone calls to her brother who has been dead since 1984.  Such is life.  As she progresses in her dementia new protocols are put into place to accommodate her needs.

The power went out last week during a big storm and luckily we had backup O2 for her.  This being said, it is time to have a generator installed.  I have done some investigating and a local fellow is coming over this afternoon to fit us with the correct unit.  The price is reasonable for us and the sense of security is priceless.  It is one thing to have the power go out in July, when the nights are merely unseasonably cool.  I don’t want this happening in the fall or winter and be stuck without a furnace, running water, air compressors or telephones  for any period of time.

I’m handling this pretty well.  It is heartbreaking-true.  There is nothing I can do except make sure she is safe and cared for.  The decline now will be swift, I hope, thus lessening the periods of panic and confusion running like frayed threads through her synapses. 

A few months ago a good friend in the program (who took care of both his parents and his wife as they died) told me that when she finally does die I won’t know what to do with myself.  He’s right.  I can feel it already.

I am off to the 41st New York State Convention of Alcoholics Anonymous this weekend.  I will be taking the train, thus saving me and my car a 14-hour round trip drive.  I can plug in my laptop and get some work done.

Btw…”cannula” is Latin.  It means “reed” or “tube”.  It is also where we get the word “cannoli”.