Entries Tagged 'Alcoholism and Recovery' ↓

I wanted lots of snow, and now I have it-about three feet in spots here in Somewheresville due to winds and drifting.  It is supposed to end late this afternoon, which will be good and I am glad it’s finally winter.  As mom would say, “Well it is December so it’s time we had this…”

Christmas was quiet and a little sad.  Since it was just my elderly mother and I there wasn’t much hoo-pla or goings-on, but that’s alright.  I was a little disappointed that my sister who lives closest to us didn’t come down for even a night or two. Mom would have loved that.  This is the sibling who has grown somewhat distant in the past year or so.  I imagine that she’s having emotional difficulties in dealing with my mother’s aging and so forth, but then again, I am only imagining this. It would have been nice to see her and mom would’ve gotten a kick out of it.  The other sister is doing well and on her way with my niece on a little trip before the niece goes back to the Women’s College she is attending.  She’s practically a straight-A student which is a big testament to her mother and the Waldorf School she went to in Maine.  In many ways I am jealous.

I am jealous because I could have thrived in that kind of environment, and there were, and are still, two of these schools quite nearby–a Steiner School just across the border and a Waldorf just up the road.  My father, unfortunately, is narrow-minded and traditional when it comes to education.  His problem was that I could never focus on discipline and my studies and was always doing well at what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do.  After reviewing my past I am convinced that I have ADD.  I show all the classic symptoms.  His own ignorance prevented me from blossoming and growing.  Instead he stunted my growth with insults and invectives, accusing me of being lazy and stupid.  I remember once that he called me a “goddamn moron”.  I shit you not.  Sixth grade in Iowa.  This is from a man who claims to love me?   I have always wondered who it was who told me that I was stupid and lazy.  I always knew it was him, but was incapable of admitting it to myself.  I always blamed someone else.  No wonder I believed him–he was my father and fathers do not lie.

I had a visit with him last weekend in the Big City as well.  It was a painful 12 hours long and I felt better the more distance I put between the two of us when I left on Sunday.  I can’t bear to be around him.

I guess I have some resentments around my family, but maybe that’s natural given the time of year.  I am two weeks into my 9th year of sobriety and much has improved in my life–no thanks to most of them, by the way.  I need to set some new ground rules. For a start, no more books or clothes for gifts.  If you ask me what I want and I tell you and you get me something else, I am sending it back to you.  Unless its flowers.  I like those.  And coffee.

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

In many ways I think I have a lot to talk about today, yet at the same time I feel that so much of what I will write about is banal, or at least I can make it banal by creating a list of points of which I am ruminating in an attempt to organize these thoughts.  To keep in simple and relevant, I’ll write about the Serenity by the Sea LGBTQ Round-up in Provincetown last month.  It was worth the effort.

I went with a few expectations, most of which did not come to pass.  I did not get laid, for example.  I did not meet up with old friends from my family’s P’town days, although I did make a good run at it.  Not getting any hot man-to-man sex was probably a good thing.  I doubt if I could have handled it emotionally.  I would have become too attached, perhaps, or made too little of it.  It would have been nice, though.  I was prepared for any event (condoms, lube, etc…) but they stayed neatly in my shaving kit for the weekend.  I did, however, meet up with a couple of nice guys from Boston and hung out with them for a while. There were some good laughs and some phenomenal meetings.  I was dismayed a little by the sense of “ghetto” in the sober and queer community.  By “ghetto” I am referring to the classical definition of apartness  and separateness one sees in small communities that see themselves as being different from the larger social structure.  One can see this in the Orthodox Hasidim community in Brooklyn.  This concept also exists in the gay community. Many of the gay sober folk do not go to “straight” meetings as they feel homophobia or a need to speak to only those who walk that same path of sexual identity.  While I recognize that this is a valid belief, I do not follow this assumption.  I feel that AA is about sobriety, not who or how I like to screw. After all, a gay man inspired the writing of  ”Tradition Three” as a way to keep all alcoholics in the fold and deny no one the chance to find sobriety-that was 1948.  Homosexuality was still considered to be a crime in most places and referred to as “sexual deviancy”.   It seems that AA was ahead of the curve in civil rights.

In any case, it was an educational weekend, for sure.  I hoped to deal with some of my own internalized homophobia, and I did.  I realized that I am a little jealous of those gay men who act more flamboyantly than I.  My solution is to see and accept my feminine internal parts and celebrate them.  The workshop helped a great deal. Easy fix, but a lifetime job.  I heard about a book called “The Velvet Rage” and am currently reading that.  The link I have provided is to someone else’s blog, but there is a link to a bookseller from his writings.   Good stuff, even if all of the case studies do not apply to me.  Many do.  The writer of the book is also in recovery, so that perspective helps.  I am learning things about myself that I missed when I first came out in ’99.  I was far too numb from substance abuse for any soul-searching or internal education.  Now I can handle it, and this process is clearing up a lot of poor thinking and negative growth.  It is very much a 4th Step attitude, with some 9th Step self-amends healing to finish it off.

So I go to my meetings.  I’m out to those who I think it necessary to tell, but many people already know anyway, or knew, suspected, etc…Who cares?  That’s what my straight sponsor feels, and I agree.  This is about recovery.  I can go to LGBT AA meetings for that special need, or sense, that I need to get from that community, but I am here to get and stay sober.  All the rest is gravy, or maybe pearl jam.  About the closet?  Well….If you saw a tall, fashionably dressed guy with Armani glasses, a grey and purple Calvin Klein scarf and a blue beret walk into meeting you’d think he was gay.  I know I would.

Johnnyboy

The Serenity by the Sea Round-Up in Provincetown this past weekend was, for me at least, a smashing success and an emotionally draining experience.  The quantity and quality of workshops was stunning and there were about 850 sober gay men and women who attended.  There was some sadness for me, however.

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy

I have just t=returned from the 23rd Annual Serenity by the Sea Round-up in Provincetown.  It has been an foundation shifting event and one which I will write about more later.

Excellent workshops, fantastic fellowship and the promises coming true…

More to come,

Johnnyboy

Much has happened in the past few days.  The 14th Colony Photo Show went up without a hitch and the six b/w medium format pieces I submitted look lovely on the wall.  To top this off, I have sold one which makes me very happy.  I am here to get my work out there, not make a million bucks.  By the way, if anyone ever asks you about the difference between “b/w photograph (non-digital)”, “silver print” or “silver gelatin print” make sure you tell them there is no difference.  The fancier name was dreamed up by museum currators who felt that “black and white photograph” was too plain sounding and the  ”silver gelatin print” sounded more important.

There is one more group show this month that I am in and that will be it for me until next summer, unless someone invites me to be in a show, that is.  Plus, I am off to Greece in March for more work at the Aegean Center, so that will pre-empt any shows I might be in.

After five years of hard work and ceaseless toiling through a byzantine bureaucracy, I have graduated from the State University of New York with a BA in Historical Studies.  I am amazed and really don’t know what to do with the feelings: relief, joy, pride, etc…I also have pretty much visited most of the places on my to-do list.  This brings an end to my first Five Year Plan so I need to develop a new one.  What will it be?  I’m taking suggestions…Perhaps life will, as it does,  show me the path to take and perhaps I am already on it.  ”Keep going” my father said.  I will.

In a couple of weeks I am off to “Serenity by the Sea”, probably the largest LGBT AA Round-up/Convention in the country.  It is being held, as always, in Provincetown, on Cape Cod, and the organizers expect hundreds of folks from the sober queer community to be in attendance.  I’m pretty nervous, actually, so we’ll see what happens.  In any case, I hope to get some good shots of P’town, a place I grew up with and a place where as a sober man I can now travel safely and well.

Johnnyboy

I have finally finished all of the paperwork needed for my final 12 credits in school.  What a horrible and humiliating process this has been; to justify the work I have done in one school (far superior to the one I currently attend) to a bunch of pencil-pushing bean counters.  Just plain stupid.  If I didn’t know better I’d think I was the subject of discrimination!  We shall see.  I’m pretty sure they’ll find a way to fuck me in some fashion.

I have been invited to be a part of an arts community here which makes me enormously happy, but nervous.  They like my work and want me to be in with them.  This makes sense for some reason.  All of the other traditional paths set before me this summer have come up short: the wedding work–a dud–the work with the pro interior guy–fizzled from nothing.  So it seems like my HP is saying, “Get out there and do it yourself, and take the help when it is offered, but don’t count on it!”  So be it…

I have joined our house up with a local CSA in my little town.  This way we can get a box of assorted veggies every week for the next 13 weeks and be part of a community group at the same time.  I went last week and I was saddened to see that although many people have signed up for and take advantage of this great resource, there were no names on the list of real locals, except us.  The rest seemed to be folks who have transplanted themselves from the city or elsewhere.  This means that many townspeople are still shopping for produce at large supermarkets and buying truck veggies, instead of locally grown and seasonal stuff.  It all comes down to education, in my opinion, and choices.  Without knowledge one cannot make choices.  Knowledge is power.

I have to admit, though, that when I walked into their little store and met the man who is running the operation it made my choice easier…hot damn.  I could crawl over that thing for a few hours…Nice eyes too.  Apparently he’s already dating some other guy, though.  I can dream.

I qualified at my local gay AA group the other night and it felt really good and whole.  Very comfortable and they were able to get to know me a little bit better.  Some good responses.  It felt nice to be able to be ‘out’ in a way that I cannot at other AA groups in the area.  Still, the fellowship rocks and I am slowly getting out in the world.  I attended a dinner last night with some AA and non-AA friends.  the food was superb and I had a good time, but I was a little put off by some of the conversation.  Some of the guests had a lot in common, namely the Big City club scene from the late 1980s and early 1990s.  Not my thing-and I was busy working and practicing my drinking at that time, but I felt envious and left out of the conversation just the same.

OK.  I am off to do some shopping, hit the gym, and take some pictures along the way.  Tomorrow I take my mother to se ‘Oklahoma’ at the nearby Three Corners Art Center.  This will be fun for her-and me too, I hope.

Johnnyboy

Much has happened since I returned from San Antonio in July.   It has been a month since my last blog and the world still turns, I am still here and sober, etc…I’m feeling a bit snarky today,actually, like I want to correct everything everyone says.  Not a good feeling for me, and all too familiar.  My ‘Daily Reflections’ reading today was about the ‘design for living’ AA has given me.  I have a choice: I can go on living the design, which seems to be working out splendidly or skip it and be my old, willful, arrogant self which got me nowhere good.  I’ll stick with working the program.

I have registered for the big LGBT Round-Up in Provincetown in October. According to friends it is a blast and a half.  I grew up in Provincetown (my family owned a house there for 40 years) from 1966 until 2001, mostly in the summer.  My father was, and still is, a part of the arts community there and I a lot of people.  I have never experienced it sober however.  This will be fun.  The light in October is especially lovely–good for photography.

I have been tossing the idea around about getting a new sponsor and have finally decided against it.  Instead of thinking that I have ‘outgrown’ the current one, I have come to conclusion that it is best to be comfortable in an established relationship than to jump ship when I feel bored or even unsure.  He and I are meeting tomorrow for coffee so I’ll talk to him about it.  That and other things.  I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with sarcasm and ‘ball-busting’ at meetings.  I think it is immature and only highlights the individuals inability to feel at home. Like me feeling snarky, they are not wearing life like a loose garment.  OK.  Off to greet the world, do my chores and bask in the beauty of sober living, one-day-at-a-time.

I have been watching re-runs of “Queer As Folk” via Netflix.  I have been enjoying the soapy quality of the show, and although all the characters are sudsy stereotypes i find that I admire Emmet the most.  He is the most out, proud and strong character, with more self-esteem than all the others combined.  He is also the most feminine and flamboyant.  Interesting.

Johnnyboy

The AA World Convention in San Antonio was amazing.  I mean, really…How can it not be when close to 75,000 AAs descend like locusts on a small city in East Texas?  The weather was so-so.  Hot, humid, and rainy for most of the time but that did not stop us all from having a great time.  I bumped into some folks I knew from Europe as well as here in the US which is pretty incredible given the sheer numbers attending.

The gay and lesbian meetings were superb.  While some panel groups had 250 to 300 people in the room, the LGBT discussions were held in larger ballrooms that held, with standing room only, 1000 people, and they were packed.  Mind-blowing to say the least.  There was a lot of  discussion around Tradition 3, which was formed because a gay man wanted to be part of AA in the 1940s.  So it is because of this situation that all AAs can be a part of if they say so, not the group.

One of the closing speakers on Sunday in the Alamo Dome also remarked that when she got out of prison at the ripe age of 21 and went to her first outside meeting no one wanted to know why she went there or what she had done.  They were just happy to see her there.  Would it be that some groups around here acted like that.  Too many AAs in this neck of the woods are too concerned with the business of others.  Curiosity doesn’t explain it or apologize for the nosiness of these folks.  They can all meet at their own meetings, which they do, at noon in the village-by-the-lake, and gossip as much as they wish.  Me?  I’ll stay away from them and stick with the winners.

Johnnyboy

San Antonio awaits with open arms.  I leave today for my first AA world Convention.  I’ll arrive tonight around 9PM, CST.  My friend Jeanne Joy is already there, as are thousands of other AAs.  You’re never alone in the Lone Star State!  I’ll give an update when I return!

Johnnyboy