Entries Tagged 'ch-ch-ch-changes' ↓

I have been becoming increasingly maddened (not angered–there is a difference) by the lack of enthusiasm from my home group.  Our treasurer, although she has the same amount of time as I, knows nothing of the 12 Traditions and when asked a simple and reasonable question from a member of the group regarding the treasury, reacts with hostility, fear and arrogance.  Not good for someone with 8 years of sobriety.  The members with some of the longest sobriety (20,22 and 17 years) have little or no concept of why the 12 Traditions are important, why they work and their history.  Shocking.  It really is.  As the former GSR I have tried to help them when they came to me for answers regarding the Traditions and my answers suite them when thy wanted, but when they wish to do anything willful, they always cite the 4th Tradition and autonomy, as if this gives them freedom to act as they wish.  What it gives them is the freedom to be wrong.  Read the 4th–it’s what it says.  So I have a choice.  I can stay, and continue to be disappointed in a group that pays little or no respect to the program that has saved their lives or find another home group.

Recently a young woman sent a comment to the old address of this blog, when it was on Blogspot.  It has been a while and she said so.  It’s a strange comment and although her blog seems to be real, it smacks of Spamminess.  She also, like many young people in AA, have violated the 11th Tradition by posting her picture and hometown on the ‘About/Contact’ page.  Granted, no last name, but how many Lydia’s from Wilkes-Barre in AA are there?  I have emailed her thanking her for the comment and redirecting her to the newer site. I also reminded her about the 11th Tradition and about how GSO has concluded that this now applies to electronic media as well.  Whatever.  Newcomers.  I was that excited too, and naive.  Still, there is probably more hope for her than the members of my home group who cannot see that by selling Hazelton literature we are aligning and supporting an outside institution, thus in conflict with the 6th Tradition.  They voted that one in…

Johnnyboy

I wanted lots of snow, and now I have it-about three feet in spots here in Somewheresville due to winds and drifting.  It is supposed to end late this afternoon, which will be good and I am glad it’s finally winter.  As mom would say, “Well it is December so it’s time we had this…”

Christmas was quiet and a little sad.  Since it was just my elderly mother and I there wasn’t much hoo-pla or goings-on, but that’s alright.  I was a little disappointed that my sister who lives closest to us didn’t come down for even a night or two. Mom would have loved that.  This is the sibling who has grown somewhat distant in the past year or so.  I imagine that she’s having emotional difficulties in dealing with my mother’s aging and so forth, but then again, I am only imagining this. It would have been nice to see her and mom would’ve gotten a kick out of it.  The other sister is doing well and on her way with my niece on a little trip before the niece goes back to the Women’s College she is attending.  She’s practically a straight-A student which is a big testament to her mother and the Waldorf School she went to in Maine.  In many ways I am jealous.

I am jealous because I could have thrived in that kind of environment, and there were, and are still, two of these schools quite nearby–a Steiner School just across the border and a Waldorf just up the road.  My father, unfortunately, is narrow-minded and traditional when it comes to education.  His problem was that I could never focus on discipline and my studies and was always doing well at what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do.  After reviewing my past I am convinced that I have ADD.  I show all the classic symptoms.  His own ignorance prevented me from blossoming and growing.  Instead he stunted my growth with insults and invectives, accusing me of being lazy and stupid.  I remember once that he called me a “goddamn moron”.  I shit you not.  Sixth grade in Iowa.  This is from a man who claims to love me?   I have always wondered who it was who told me that I was stupid and lazy.  I always knew it was him, but was incapable of admitting it to myself.  I always blamed someone else.  No wonder I believed him–he was my father and fathers do not lie.

I had a visit with him last weekend in the Big City as well.  It was a painful 12 hours long and I felt better the more distance I put between the two of us when I left on Sunday.  I can’t bear to be around him.

I guess I have some resentments around my family, but maybe that’s natural given the time of year.  I am two weeks into my 9th year of sobriety and much has improved in my life–no thanks to most of them, by the way.  I need to set some new ground rules. For a start, no more books or clothes for gifts.  If you ask me what I want and I tell you and you get me something else, I am sending it back to you.  Unless its flowers.  I like those.  And coffee.

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

The Serenity by the Sea Round-Up in Provincetown this past weekend was, for me at least, a smashing success and an emotionally draining experience.  The quantity and quality of workshops was stunning and there were about 850 sober gay men and women who attended.  There was some sadness for me, however.

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy

I have just t=returned from the 23rd Annual Serenity by the Sea Round-up in Provincetown.  It has been an foundation shifting event and one which I will write about more later.

Excellent workshops, fantastic fellowship and the promises coming true…

More to come,

Johnnyboy

Much has happened in the past few days.  The 14th Colony Photo Show went up without a hitch and the six b/w medium format pieces I submitted look lovely on the wall.  To top this off, I have sold one which makes me very happy.  I am here to get my work out there, not make a million bucks.  By the way, if anyone ever asks you about the difference between “b/w photograph (non-digital)”, “silver print” or “silver gelatin print” make sure you tell them there is no difference.  The fancier name was dreamed up by museum currators who felt that “black and white photograph” was too plain sounding and the  ”silver gelatin print” sounded more important.

There is one more group show this month that I am in and that will be it for me until next summer, unless someone invites me to be in a show, that is.  Plus, I am off to Greece in March for more work at the Aegean Center, so that will pre-empt any shows I might be in.

After five years of hard work and ceaseless toiling through a byzantine bureaucracy, I have graduated from the State University of New York with a BA in Historical Studies.  I am amazed and really don’t know what to do with the feelings: relief, joy, pride, etc…I also have pretty much visited most of the places on my to-do list.  This brings an end to my first Five Year Plan so I need to develop a new one.  What will it be?  I’m taking suggestions…Perhaps life will, as it does,  show me the path to take and perhaps I am already on it.  ”Keep going” my father said.  I will.

In a couple of weeks I am off to “Serenity by the Sea”, probably the largest LGBT AA Round-up/Convention in the country.  It is being held, as always, in Provincetown, on Cape Cod, and the organizers expect hundreds of folks from the sober queer community to be in attendance.  I’m pretty nervous, actually, so we’ll see what happens.  In any case, I hope to get some good shots of P’town, a place I grew up with and a place where as a sober man I can now travel safely and well.

Johnnyboy

I have finally finished all of the paperwork needed for my final 12 credits in school.  What a horrible and humiliating process this has been; to justify the work I have done in one school (far superior to the one I currently attend) to a bunch of pencil-pushing bean counters.  Just plain stupid.  If I didn’t know better I’d think I was the subject of discrimination!  We shall see.  I’m pretty sure they’ll find a way to fuck me in some fashion.

I have been invited to be a part of an arts community here which makes me enormously happy, but nervous.  They like my work and want me to be in with them.  This makes sense for some reason.  All of the other traditional paths set before me this summer have come up short: the wedding work–a dud–the work with the pro interior guy–fizzled from nothing.  So it seems like my HP is saying, “Get out there and do it yourself, and take the help when it is offered, but don’t count on it!”  So be it…

I have joined our house up with a local CSA in my little town.  This way we can get a box of assorted veggies every week for the next 13 weeks and be part of a community group at the same time.  I went last week and I was saddened to see that although many people have signed up for and take advantage of this great resource, there were no names on the list of real locals, except us.  The rest seemed to be folks who have transplanted themselves from the city or elsewhere.  This means that many townspeople are still shopping for produce at large supermarkets and buying truck veggies, instead of locally grown and seasonal stuff.  It all comes down to education, in my opinion, and choices.  Without knowledge one cannot make choices.  Knowledge is power.

I have to admit, though, that when I walked into their little store and met the man who is running the operation it made my choice easier…hot damn.  I could crawl over that thing for a few hours…Nice eyes too.  Apparently he’s already dating some other guy, though.  I can dream.

I qualified at my local gay AA group the other night and it felt really good and whole.  Very comfortable and they were able to get to know me a little bit better.  Some good responses.  It felt nice to be able to be ‘out’ in a way that I cannot at other AA groups in the area.  Still, the fellowship rocks and I am slowly getting out in the world.  I attended a dinner last night with some AA and non-AA friends.  the food was superb and I had a good time, but I was a little put off by some of the conversation.  Some of the guests had a lot in common, namely the Big City club scene from the late 1980s and early 1990s.  Not my thing-and I was busy working and practicing my drinking at that time, but I felt envious and left out of the conversation just the same.

OK.  I am off to do some shopping, hit the gym, and take some pictures along the way.  Tomorrow I take my mother to se ‘Oklahoma’ at the nearby Three Corners Art Center.  This will be fun for her-and me too, I hope.

Johnnyboy

Much has happened since I returned from San Antonio in July.   It has been a month since my last blog and the world still turns, I am still here and sober, etc…I’m feeling a bit snarky today,actually, like I want to correct everything everyone says.  Not a good feeling for me, and all too familiar.  My ‘Daily Reflections’ reading today was about the ‘design for living’ AA has given me.  I have a choice: I can go on living the design, which seems to be working out splendidly or skip it and be my old, willful, arrogant self which got me nowhere good.  I’ll stick with working the program.

I have registered for the big LGBT Round-Up in Provincetown in October. According to friends it is a blast and a half.  I grew up in Provincetown (my family owned a house there for 40 years) from 1966 until 2001, mostly in the summer.  My father was, and still is, a part of the arts community there and I a lot of people.  I have never experienced it sober however.  This will be fun.  The light in October is especially lovely–good for photography.

I have been tossing the idea around about getting a new sponsor and have finally decided against it.  Instead of thinking that I have ‘outgrown’ the current one, I have come to conclusion that it is best to be comfortable in an established relationship than to jump ship when I feel bored or even unsure.  He and I are meeting tomorrow for coffee so I’ll talk to him about it.  That and other things.  I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with sarcasm and ‘ball-busting’ at meetings.  I think it is immature and only highlights the individuals inability to feel at home. Like me feeling snarky, they are not wearing life like a loose garment.  OK.  Off to greet the world, do my chores and bask in the beauty of sober living, one-day-at-a-time.

I have been watching re-runs of “Queer As Folk” via Netflix.  I have been enjoying the soapy quality of the show, and although all the characters are sudsy stereotypes i find that I admire Emmet the most.  He is the most out, proud and strong character, with more self-esteem than all the others combined.  He is also the most feminine and flamboyant.  Interesting.

Johnnyboy

The AA World Convention is next weekend and I will be there! San Antonio here I come!  I am meeting my friend Jeanne from…well, she lives everywhere.  She’s a gypsy.   There is supposed to be around 50,000 people converging on San Antonio. It will be quite the time.

I am through with weddings.  I just don’t have it in me.   Too many drunk people and I don’t like the vibe.  I do have one commitment in the fall, but that will be a small and sober affair and I owe it to the bride to do the shoot.  She will do the post-production.

The Lesbian and Gay AA meeting is really nice.  I feel very safe there and even though there are quite a few folks who are not queer, it is obviously a safe place for them too.  Plus, it’s on a saturday night and it’s over by 7PM.  This means I can go to the speaker meeting up the road that needs support.

Mom’s doing well and I am really excited about the convention…WooHooo!

Johnnyboy

I have discovered that if I really work the 12 Steps and frame my life within their guidance, I am much more serene, happy and successful at living than if I were to disregard them or take them granted.  It is all about my spiritual program and acting, not thinking, soberly.

My mother is very excited about my upcoming trip to Greece.  She keeps on reminding me that “your grandmother would be so proud of you” and that she is proud of me as well.  I have been able to help her these past years and still do today.  She is in much better shape than she was last year,mostly due to the introduction of the O2.  She will do fine during my absence.

My cat, on the other hand, is not so well.  She is losing her back teeth.  She has gingivitis.  This has been addressed by the vet but their response is that although we can care for our pet’s teeth, some breeds of cat have bad teeth to begin with. Poor Sweetie Pie.  Other than that she is the sweetheart with a temper that she has always been.

Off to Greece in 5 days!

Johnnyboy