Entries Tagged 'photography' ↓

The break is upon us and I have been using the time to work on my own schedule, look at possible rentals and, of course, stay a little bit more sober than yesterday.   All three have been going well and it is good to say that.  So far I have been working a lot in the darkroom and the digital lab but the apartment search has been most interesting.  For the most part it is much like anywhere with the same questions regarding power, water and so forth.  The difference is…well, no differences really except that it is not in Greece, I am sober and I doubt I’ll skip out on the rent in the middle of the night.  It has been 10 years since the last time I paid rent.  That amount varies from 200E to 550E a month and no one includes water or power and there are few if any wifi hook-ups.  We shall see.  Siga-siga, as they say in Greece–slowly, slowly.

The person with whom I had a huge blow-up last year is back this weekend for a short visit.  I have made a full amends to her and the two times I have seen her I have been cordial and polite if a little aloof.  I have forgiven her for what she said to me but that does not erase those words or how they ended our friendship.  I do not want her to be sad or hurt, but I am afraid she came here with expectations of being friends again.  That may be my own imaginings.  It would be ego-centric to believe any of this.  Still, my amends give me the ability to stay on the same side of the street with her and not have to avoid any kind of further meetings.  Tomorrow evening I’ll head to the regular Tuesday night AA meeting in Marpissa and talk about that if I need to.

All of this is not as important as I would like to make it out to be.  In the long run, these are small blips on the radar.  They point towards experiences from which I have garnered wisdom, like rocks in familiar seas I have learned to sail around.

I am also heading to Athens on Wednesday to pick up a camera I left for repair and see some friends.  I hope to hit at least one meeting while I am there, maybe two.

Johnnyboy

For some reason I am now able to log on to this blog, something I was unable to do while overseas last spring, and the spring before that.  I am lucky in that way and since I am sober and working the 12 Steps to the best of my ability I am lucky at life, or at least in a state of acceptance and reasonableness.

I am in Italy.  Next week I’ll be in Greece.  I have attended a couple of meetings in Florence (noon and evening) but not since the beginning of the month.  This can be a dangerous predicament, but so far, so good. I have remained in contact with God all the while-hitting my knees, asking for help, minding my own business, being calm…so I del pretty good.  Today started off early, so I’ll have to watch for being tired this afternoon.  I will be in Rome for a couple of days next week so I will try to get to a meeting while I am there.  It seems that even the intent to go to meetings is a good start to keeping spiritually fit.  I was listening to a speaker last night on my laptop and he reminded me that attendance at a few meetings is alright, but no substitute for working the Steps.

When I am back in Greece I have the Parthenon Group while I am in Athens and then the small group on the island while I am on Paros.  I can make the Tuesday night meeting this time since I do not have the commitment to the art history lecture that I have had before.  This brings up the topic of me, my future and what that means.  I have no idea.  That’s the long and short of it.  I really must let God take these things in hand. True, I can do all the footwork, but sometimes even that is unclear.  Suit up and show up–and sometimes sit down and shut up.

Does my life include a larger role on Paros?  Am I successfully, if slowly, removing myself from the caregiving role I have had for so long?  I am still being asked to micro-manage some pooches from afar, but that’s alright as long as these actions do not become to consuming of my time and energies.  More will be revealed…

Johnnyboy

For some reason I cannot log in to this dashboard from overseas, so I have been lax in updating.  My apologies.  Much has occured and passed into the pages of history. In all reality these are minor blips on the radar screen but I have gleaned some sober wisdom from these experiences nonetheless.

My time in Greece was wonderful, productive and exhausting.  It tested my emotional sobriety to the breaking point when at last all I had to keep me sober was my Higher Power and the ability to go to bed early.  In many ways it is my fault, but, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.  It all begins with drinking, of course, but not my own, thank God.  I’ll make the tale brief if I can.

Halfway through the term the weather changed from cloudy, wet and cool to sunny and dry.  This allowed the younger students to stay out late and party.  Let’s face it, they are all very young, away from home for the first time in a country with a very lax drinking age.  For a solid week they began coming back to their apartments at 3, 4 or 5AM, making a huge amount of noise and waking the neighbors, of whom I was one.  So I complained.  I made waves.  In doing so I separated myself from the majority by underscoring my own sobriety (or really the fact that I do not drink) and becoming a wet blanket to their international fun,  just like the AA Big Book says.  I had not been to a meeting in quite a few weeks and was feeling the disconnect from reality. In my emotional state I turned to another student who I had become friends with over the course of the previous year.  I turned to her for advice, a way to vent instead of going crazy and, I hoped, a little solidarity.  Yes, we agreed on many things: that the school’s reputation was being hurt by this behavior; that something must be done; that there was little unity among the student body, etc…So something was done to stop it, and the noise ended.  I had opened up a huge can of worms, however, in confiding to this student In thanks for her friendship and a way to say ‘good luck’ on her future I gave her a gift, a small piece of sea-buffed marble set as a necklace.  Remember that this was out of friendship, a fact she actually acknowledged.

The end result is that she blew up at me, told me to stay away from her and in a very cold and callous way ended our friendship surgically and without anesthetic.  I was left feeling like my guts had been torn out with a dull spoon, but in the end the only thing I had done wrong was dump too much of my emotional needs on her young shoulders.  I have since made amends for that and am able to slowly let the event and her go into the mists behind me.  I really do have more important things to do.  My last month was lonely and angry, feeling paranoid and wronged.  I do feel she handled it badly, but I give her credit for being so cold and cruel.  That kind of action takes a lot and is not often found in someone so young.  She was obviously frightened of me because she continued to distance herself and even moved to a different apartment, the location of which she lied to me about-as if I was going to come visit her.  I have a feeling she felt that I was stalking her.  (Nasty business.  I even consulted my attorney at one point.) Of course I was not.

The fate of the necklace is truthfully unknown, but I suspect she gave it to one of the other students, a sullen and negative young woman from New Jersey.

There were a small handful of students who really worked and created art of beauty and charm–these I applaud.  Many were stuck in the Culture of Death that permeates the USA.

So what have I learned?

Do not rely on anyone except God or an adult older than I for emotional guidance in times of stress.

I return in the fall.  My goal is to build friendships with the locals in preparation of a possible move.  I will also stick closer to Program in any way that I can.  That was my first and biggest mistake and it could have led me back to the bottle and deat.

Johnnyboy

As of last Wednesday the list I had posted earlier has been all but completed.  #7 is an on-going venture that can only be successful on a daily basis.  Now I only have to show up for the two openings (one was last night) and board the plane on the 1st.

All is well in Somewheresville.

Johnnyboy

I am feeling the stress of pre-travel.  There seems to be too much to do, but if I break it down into tasks, there really isn’t.  It seems to be a matter of use of energy more that actual work.  Here is what I am doing before I leave in March…

1. Finish my editing work for the new magazine.

2. Ready work for one, but possibly three shows to be hung before and during my absence.

3. File two sets of taxes.

4. Pack a large box of clothes and gear for the trip, to be sent on ahead of my arrival.

5. Arrange my finances for the 3 1/2 month absence.

6. Have a staff meeting here at the house and make sure all the tasks are delegated.

7. Let go, let go, let go….

What it comes down to is my happiness.  How happy do I want to be today or am I so stubborn that I need to be right all the time?

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

The Serenity by the Sea Round-Up in Provincetown this past weekend was, for me at least, a smashing success and an emotionally draining experience.  The quantity and quality of workshops was stunning and there were about 850 sober gay men and women who attended.  There was some sadness for me, however.

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy

Well…My first group show with the 14th Colony Artists Co-Op has opened and so far we have had some good reviews from those who have walked through.  Not much has sold yet, but that is nothing new for the art world.  A co-op can be a difficult situation as well, because so many levels of skill and medium are represented.  It can confuse some people.  I have already experienced the snobbishness of some ‘critics’ who claim to be collectors towards some of the painted pieces.  Fuck ‘em.  My world has little room for them.

I am grateful to have two of my digital pieces in the show but was surprised by how little people know, or more accurately assume, about digital photography.  Many think that because it is a digital photograph that it is some kind of composed artifice, a manipulated image or something.  I assured many people that I do not engage in such trickery or deception nor do I feel that such work is even “photography”.  I am a purest at heart, whether in the wet or dry dark room.  You won’t find me using CS4-5 like a hammer.

Speaking of which–the weather has cooled and my dark room is open once again for the season.  The ambient temperature is a lovely 67*F which means that I only need to warm up the developer a degree or two for a 2 minute full-black development time.  The 14th Colony is putting on a photo show of the groups photographers (called ‘The Photo Show’) which opens on October 2nd and runs for two weekends.  I hope you all can make it!  The reception is on Friday, October 8th.  I will be hanging 7 medium format silver pieces which I am currently working on–local scenes mostly.  So I can be found in the DR most nights when it is quiet and no one calls.

It’s a decent day outside.  I think I’ll try to get put and shoot a roll or two.

Johnnyboy

I have finally finished all of the paperwork needed for my final 12 credits in school.  What a horrible and humiliating process this has been; to justify the work I have done in one school (far superior to the one I currently attend) to a bunch of pencil-pushing bean counters.  Just plain stupid.  If I didn’t know better I’d think I was the subject of discrimination!  We shall see.  I’m pretty sure they’ll find a way to fuck me in some fashion.

I have been invited to be a part of an arts community here which makes me enormously happy, but nervous.  They like my work and want me to be in with them.  This makes sense for some reason.  All of the other traditional paths set before me this summer have come up short: the wedding work–a dud–the work with the pro interior guy–fizzled from nothing.  So it seems like my HP is saying, “Get out there and do it yourself, and take the help when it is offered, but don’t count on it!”  So be it…

I have joined our house up with a local CSA in my little town.  This way we can get a box of assorted veggies every week for the next 13 weeks and be part of a community group at the same time.  I went last week and I was saddened to see that although many people have signed up for and take advantage of this great resource, there were no names on the list of real locals, except us.  The rest seemed to be folks who have transplanted themselves from the city or elsewhere.  This means that many townspeople are still shopping for produce at large supermarkets and buying truck veggies, instead of locally grown and seasonal stuff.  It all comes down to education, in my opinion, and choices.  Without knowledge one cannot make choices.  Knowledge is power.

I have to admit, though, that when I walked into their little store and met the man who is running the operation it made my choice easier…hot damn.  I could crawl over that thing for a few hours…Nice eyes too.  Apparently he’s already dating some other guy, though.  I can dream.

I qualified at my local gay AA group the other night and it felt really good and whole.  Very comfortable and they were able to get to know me a little bit better.  Some good responses.  It felt nice to be able to be ‘out’ in a way that I cannot at other AA groups in the area.  Still, the fellowship rocks and I am slowly getting out in the world.  I attended a dinner last night with some AA and non-AA friends.  the food was superb and I had a good time, but I was a little put off by some of the conversation.  Some of the guests had a lot in common, namely the Big City club scene from the late 1980s and early 1990s.  Not my thing-and I was busy working and practicing my drinking at that time, but I felt envious and left out of the conversation just the same.

OK.  I am off to do some shopping, hit the gym, and take some pictures along the way.  Tomorrow I take my mother to se ‘Oklahoma’ at the nearby Three Corners Art Center.  This will be fun for her-and me too, I hope.

Johnnyboy

Much has happened since I returned from San Antonio in July.   It has been a month since my last blog and the world still turns, I am still here and sober, etc…I’m feeling a bit snarky today,actually, like I want to correct everything everyone says.  Not a good feeling for me, and all too familiar.  My ‘Daily Reflections’ reading today was about the ‘design for living’ AA has given me.  I have a choice: I can go on living the design, which seems to be working out splendidly or skip it and be my old, willful, arrogant self which got me nowhere good.  I’ll stick with working the program.

I have registered for the big LGBT Round-Up in Provincetown in October. According to friends it is a blast and a half.  I grew up in Provincetown (my family owned a house there for 40 years) from 1966 until 2001, mostly in the summer.  My father was, and still is, a part of the arts community there and I a lot of people.  I have never experienced it sober however.  This will be fun.  The light in October is especially lovely–good for photography.

I have been tossing the idea around about getting a new sponsor and have finally decided against it.  Instead of thinking that I have ‘outgrown’ the current one, I have come to conclusion that it is best to be comfortable in an established relationship than to jump ship when I feel bored or even unsure.  He and I are meeting tomorrow for coffee so I’ll talk to him about it.  That and other things.  I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with sarcasm and ‘ball-busting’ at meetings.  I think it is immature and only highlights the individuals inability to feel at home. Like me feeling snarky, they are not wearing life like a loose garment.  OK.  Off to greet the world, do my chores and bask in the beauty of sober living, one-day-at-a-time.

I have been watching re-runs of “Queer As Folk” via Netflix.  I have been enjoying the soapy quality of the show, and although all the characters are sudsy stereotypes i find that I admire Emmet the most.  He is the most out, proud and strong character, with more self-esteem than all the others combined.  He is also the most feminine and flamboyant.  Interesting.

Johnnyboy