Entries Tagged 'The Balkans' ↓

The break is upon us and I have been using the time to work on my own schedule, look at possible rentals and, of course, stay a little bit more sober than yesterday.   All three have been going well and it is good to say that.  So far I have been working a lot in the darkroom and the digital lab but the apartment search has been most interesting.  For the most part it is much like anywhere with the same questions regarding power, water and so forth.  The difference is…well, no differences really except that it is not in Greece, I am sober and I doubt I’ll skip out on the rent in the middle of the night.  It has been 10 years since the last time I paid rent.  That amount varies from 200E to 550E a month and no one includes water or power and there are few if any wifi hook-ups.  We shall see.  Siga-siga, as they say in Greece–slowly, slowly.

The person with whom I had a huge blow-up last year is back this weekend for a short visit.  I have made a full amends to her and the two times I have seen her I have been cordial and polite if a little aloof.  I have forgiven her for what she said to me but that does not erase those words or how they ended our friendship.  I do not want her to be sad or hurt, but I am afraid she came here with expectations of being friends again.  That may be my own imaginings.  It would be ego-centric to believe any of this.  Still, my amends give me the ability to stay on the same side of the street with her and not have to avoid any kind of further meetings.  Tomorrow evening I’ll head to the regular Tuesday night AA meeting in Marpissa and talk about that if I need to.

All of this is not as important as I would like to make it out to be.  In the long run, these are small blips on the radar.  They point towards experiences from which I have garnered wisdom, like rocks in familiar seas I have learned to sail around.

I am also heading to Athens on Wednesday to pick up a camera I left for repair and see some friends.  I hope to hit at least one meeting while I am there, maybe two.

Johnnyboy

There is a popular conception in Europe of Americans as barbarians.  We sit like slobs in our seats, legs outstretched, blocking the aisles, demanding out tickets (food, drink, etc…)in loud American English.  Sad to say this seems a truism.  I have been very aware of the Americans in my little ban this time and try as often as possible to not act like them.  The sad fact is that at their age I did act like them, and maybe worse.  Not all of the other student act this way, but many do.  They disregard notices on museum to abstain from photography and they sit, stand and loaf in the above mentioned manner.  Some of them have been revealed as hardcore wanna-be drinkers, going so far as to try to keep their boozing a secret by drinking when all the others have gone to bed.  It is easy for me to pinpoint the real alcoholics from the potentials because the real deal do not need the alcohol to act like it.  Their ego-driven self will is out there for all to see and a lack of alcohol just makes it more obvious.  When drinking they can almost blend into the crowd.

There is nothing I can do except stay out of their way.  The can bulldoze all they want through this term and I am keeping myself clear of their chaos, and there will be chaos, especially when we reach the island.  I doubt these kids will get much work done.  That being said I am the once who needs to get my work done, be selfish with my time and resources.  I can also set a few ground rules with them regarding the dark room and what that means.  There is only one I need to talk to and all he needs to know that there is no place for drunkenness or goofing off in the dark room with his buddies after a long night drinking.  This can be said with candor, honesty and, I hope, a sense of man-to-man straightforwardness.

Regarding my own program of action:  I will be attending the Tuesday night meetings on the island and, possibly, the Monday night group as well.  The second group is Greek-speaking, but it is easy enough to have translator for the bi-lingual angle.  This, on top of my mp3 speakers, phone calls and Skyping once on a while can keep me sober, sane, happy, joyous and free.

I will be in Rome tomorrow and I have the addresses for the meetings there.  They are a short, but uphill, walk from the hotel.  I will be grateful to be able to hit two–Monday and Tuesday evening.

Regarding the behavior of others…What I learned from last year is a gift from the Al-Anon program:  I didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it.  What a relief that is!  Once again this is  a one-day-at-a-time formula for living that insures my own emotional sobriety.

More will be revealed…Johnnyboy

For some reason I am now able to log on to this blog, something I was unable to do while overseas last spring, and the spring before that.  I am lucky in that way and since I am sober and working the 12 Steps to the best of my ability I am lucky at life, or at least in a state of acceptance and reasonableness.

I am in Italy.  Next week I’ll be in Greece.  I have attended a couple of meetings in Florence (noon and evening) but not since the beginning of the month.  This can be a dangerous predicament, but so far, so good. I have remained in contact with God all the while-hitting my knees, asking for help, minding my own business, being calm…so I del pretty good.  Today started off early, so I’ll have to watch for being tired this afternoon.  I will be in Rome for a couple of days next week so I will try to get to a meeting while I am there.  It seems that even the intent to go to meetings is a good start to keeping spiritually fit.  I was listening to a speaker last night on my laptop and he reminded me that attendance at a few meetings is alright, but no substitute for working the Steps.

When I am back in Greece I have the Parthenon Group while I am in Athens and then the small group on the island while I am on Paros.  I can make the Tuesday night meeting this time since I do not have the commitment to the art history lecture that I have had before.  This brings up the topic of me, my future and what that means.  I have no idea.  That’s the long and short of it.  I really must let God take these things in hand. True, I can do all the footwork, but sometimes even that is unclear.  Suit up and show up–and sometimes sit down and shut up.

Does my life include a larger role on Paros?  Am I successfully, if slowly, removing myself from the caregiving role I have had for so long?  I am still being asked to micro-manage some pooches from afar, but that’s alright as long as these actions do not become to consuming of my time and energies.  More will be revealed…

Johnnyboy

For some reason I cannot log in to this dashboard from overseas, so I have been lax in updating.  My apologies.  Much has occured and passed into the pages of history. In all reality these are minor blips on the radar screen but I have gleaned some sober wisdom from these experiences nonetheless.

My time in Greece was wonderful, productive and exhausting.  It tested my emotional sobriety to the breaking point when at last all I had to keep me sober was my Higher Power and the ability to go to bed early.  In many ways it is my fault, but, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.  It all begins with drinking, of course, but not my own, thank God.  I’ll make the tale brief if I can.

Halfway through the term the weather changed from cloudy, wet and cool to sunny and dry.  This allowed the younger students to stay out late and party.  Let’s face it, they are all very young, away from home for the first time in a country with a very lax drinking age.  For a solid week they began coming back to their apartments at 3, 4 or 5AM, making a huge amount of noise and waking the neighbors, of whom I was one.  So I complained.  I made waves.  In doing so I separated myself from the majority by underscoring my own sobriety (or really the fact that I do not drink) and becoming a wet blanket to their international fun,  just like the AA Big Book says.  I had not been to a meeting in quite a few weeks and was feeling the disconnect from reality. In my emotional state I turned to another student who I had become friends with over the course of the previous year.  I turned to her for advice, a way to vent instead of going crazy and, I hoped, a little solidarity.  Yes, we agreed on many things: that the school’s reputation was being hurt by this behavior; that something must be done; that there was little unity among the student body, etc…So something was done to stop it, and the noise ended.  I had opened up a huge can of worms, however, in confiding to this student In thanks for her friendship and a way to say ‘good luck’ on her future I gave her a gift, a small piece of sea-buffed marble set as a necklace.  Remember that this was out of friendship, a fact she actually acknowledged.

The end result is that she blew up at me, told me to stay away from her and in a very cold and callous way ended our friendship surgically and without anesthetic.  I was left feeling like my guts had been torn out with a dull spoon, but in the end the only thing I had done wrong was dump too much of my emotional needs on her young shoulders.  I have since made amends for that and am able to slowly let the event and her go into the mists behind me.  I really do have more important things to do.  My last month was lonely and angry, feeling paranoid and wronged.  I do feel she handled it badly, but I give her credit for being so cold and cruel.  That kind of action takes a lot and is not often found in someone so young.  She was obviously frightened of me because she continued to distance herself and even moved to a different apartment, the location of which she lied to me about-as if I was going to come visit her.  I have a feeling she felt that I was stalking her.  (Nasty business.  I even consulted my attorney at one point.) Of course I was not.

The fate of the necklace is truthfully unknown, but I suspect she gave it to one of the other students, a sullen and negative young woman from New Jersey.

There were a small handful of students who really worked and created art of beauty and charm–these I applaud.  Many were stuck in the Culture of Death that permeates the USA.

So what have I learned?

Do not rely on anyone except God or an adult older than I for emotional guidance in times of stress.

I return in the fall.  My goal is to build friendships with the locals in preparation of a possible move.  I will also stick closer to Program in any way that I can.  That was my first and biggest mistake and it could have led me back to the bottle and deat.

Johnnyboy

As of last Wednesday the list I had posted earlier has been all but completed.  #7 is an on-going venture that can only be successful on a daily basis.  Now I only have to show up for the two openings (one was last night) and board the plane on the 1st.

All is well in Somewheresville.

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

I have finished and handed in the final draft of my thesis on Yugoslavia in the 20th century.  This has been a huge endeavor and represents 5 years of study, research and travel.  It is done.  I felt good, at the end, in making some bold presumptions concerning the future of SE Europe, and that was it.  Now there is a space in my life…What’s next?  I still have to write some personal words about my goals for photography for the b/w darkroom course I am engaged in and finish the small portfolio I have started.  I can do the lab work next week and write the paper today.  Then I will have finished the semester, take the fall off, and cross my fingers over the spring semester in Greece.  I have begun thinking that even if I do not get in to the school, that I will go anyway for the time and visit the southern Mediterranean during the off season, finishing up my trip with the Greek convention.  In many ways I need a break from the former Yugoslavia and Greece and Turkey might be the ticket.

The date did not happen. I asked and she said ‘no’, but nicely.  The experience put me in an emotional tailspin that landed me on my pity-pot for a few hours.  I lost all gratitude for the above experiences as well as the whole of the past 7 years of sobriety.  I eventually snapped out of it and let it go.

Mom has bursitis in her hip. She also thinks she has been driving her car for the whole year-and-a-half she has been in bed, in the hospital, or whatever.  What a shocker for her.  ”Bullshit”, she said.  ”I can drive…I still have my licence.” “Sorry, but you cannot.”  I guess we should all be thankful that she can fight back, but that’s all he can do.  She cannot win.  She’ll wreck the car if she gets behind the wheel.  Time to keep an eye out.  She might try to make a break for it…

Johnnyboy

After leaving the US, the first news from abroad I heard was in regards to the swine flu…The thought that I might be stranded in Europe was exciting and also a little dismaying.  Anyway, no real chance of that now.  The flight to Vienna was uneventful and I found a really
great AA meeting the night that I arrived. I will be in Vienna for a few days at the end of the trip, so I’ll check out more of the recovery scene while I scope out the museums and cafes.  On the flight over I watched ‘Frost and Nixon’.  There is a great quote about Vienna…’ It’s just like Paris, but without the French! ‘

The Croatian Convention was heartfelt and small.  Only 67 AAs were there, overshadowed by the youthful boisterousness of the NA group upstairs in the hotel. Many AAs did not come because they felt that the combination of the two groups at a convention was a violation of the Traditions, which it is.  Next year the two conventions will be separate, I think, but don’t hold your breath globetrotters.

I went to Bosnia after that and am still here, currently in Sarajevo.  I will be traveling on to Belgrade on Sunday and connect with my sober/clean friends in that city.  I will be there for about a week of meetings and museums and then I am off to Greece and the Greek Convention.  I have been invited to qualify while I am there and I am very nervous about it.

My school work is going well…I am through with last semester and am currently working on the summer session while on the road.

My CBE/PLA submissions have been shot through with annoying bullets by the evaluator, and while I will not appeal the findings and take the 8 credits she is offering me, I was shocked by the tone and language she used to describe my involvement in both the process and the years I worked in the food business.  I think it is best to focus on the Now and Future instead of the Past from now on.

Johnnyboy

So I hit the road April 27th, back to the Balkans for AA conventions, fellowship in Croatia, Serbia, Greece, Bosnia-Herzegovina and endless diesel-like coffees.  I am also conducting the interviews I have spoken about already.  But first, a treatise on camera/shoulder bags for the traveling set–No matter how hard you try, two things are guaranteed when you search for the perfect bag:

1. It will always be either too small or too large.

2. You will end up with a closet full of them.

Since I have some new gear, I have ordered two bags, each from the same company, Domke.  I guess this company is the professional’s choice, so it will be my choice too.  They are non-descriptive and do not look like camera bags.  The first is the Domke F-2 .  It is big enough, but I do not know if it has the pocket arrangement for stuff other than cameras.  The second is the J-1 . This is the bag-of-bags.  I think it’s the one I’ll keep, because like it or not, one is going back.  This means less room taken up in my closet.  It also means that the photograph posted here will not have any unwanted additions.  Maybe my quest is over!  in the Pile o’Bags are two Timbuk2 messenger bags (one which I use a lot, the blue and grey one), one Swiss Army laptop satchel, one Osprey messenger style, a Crumpler camera satchel and a Tamrac camera bag (black) that is alright, but it screams  “Cameras inside, please steal me!”  I think this week I will give away the large Timbuk2, the Osprey, and the Swiss Army laptop case. Anyone want them?  They are great and well made, but they are extraneous luggage.

When I choose the winner next week, I’ll pack it up and post some pictures…

Oh yeah…School is done for the semester.  I am hoping for two more ‘A’s…

Johnnyboy

A pile of bags I do not use that often

I have all but finished this current semester.  I have a project due for a class in dramatics which will round out the whole thing nicely.  I am directing the first scene from the Sam Shepard play ‘True West’.   I have my work assigned for the summer session during which I will write my senior capstone thesis on unification in the former Yugoslavia and be done  with that.  So far so good.

I am still waiting on the results of my CBE work for my previous career and as they have made me jump through many flaming hoops of fiery shit, I have a feeling I will get nothing for my labors.  For Christ’s sake…16 credits?  It’s not like I’m asking for a degree or anything…

I leave for the Balkans on April 27th..23 days from now I’ll be sitting in an airport waiting to fly to Vienna.  I’ll attend the AA convention in Zagreb, head to Belgrade to hang with friends for a spell, and then off to the AA convention in Greece.  This will be my fifth Greek convention and my third in Croatia.  I am hoping for nice weather.  During this time I will also be conducting interviews with Balkan locals in Serbia, Croatia and Bosnia about there lives during the Tito years.  There is nothing like field work to pump up the old thesis!

Mom is doing well and we are trying to getb her outside once in a while for some excersize now that the snow has gone away.  The current raininess doesn’t help, but there are sunny spots in our lives here in Somewheresville.

I’ll try to be more bloggish in the future, but to be honest I have another blog that is not so anonymous that I have focusing on these days. I’d show it to you but…

Johnnyboy