There is nothing I can do except stay out of their way.  The can bulldoze all they want through this term and I am keeping myself clear of their chaos, and there will be chaos, especially when we reach the island.  I doubt these kids will get much work done.  That being said I am the once who needs to get my work done, be selfish with my time and resources.  I can also set a few ground rules with them regarding the dark room and what that means.  There is only one I need to talk to and all he needs to know that there is no place for drunkenness or goofing off in the dark room with his buddies after a long night drinking.  This can be said with candor, honesty and, I hope, a sense of man-to-man straightforwardness.

Regarding my own program of action:  I will be attending the Tuesday night meetings on the island and, possibly, the Monday night group as well.  The second group is Greek-speaking, but it is easy enough to have translator for the bi-lingual angle.  This, on top of my mp3 speakers, phone calls and Skyping once on a while can keep me sober, sane, happy, joyous and free.

I will be in Rome tomorrow and I have the addresses for the meetings there.  They are a short, but uphill, walk from the hotel.  I will be grateful to be able to hit two–Monday and Tuesday evening.

Regarding the behavior of others…What I learned from last year is a gift from the Al-Anon program:  I didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it.  What a relief that is!  Once again this is  a one-day-at-a-time formula for living that insures my own emotional sobriety.

More will be revealed…Johnnyboy

1. My local ISP is upgrading the modems on all their DSL lines today. There will be an internet blackout sometime between 8AM and 4PM.  Now, I know this is a matter of a few switches.  There is no one out in the field connecting wires, building things, etc…Why do they still have to give this 8-hour window?  Why can’t they say they are upgrading at 10AM, or 3:30PM, and the lines will be down for about half and hour?

2. My car has been in the shop for a week.  I am fortunate to have another car to use, and I am grateful, but I want my Mini back.  The mechanic is waiting on a part.

3. The local power company is coming by today to look at a pole that needs replacing.  They gave me a time of arrival between 10AM and 12PM.  This has been the most sensible bunch so far.  I can wait this two hours but I bet they show up at noon.*

It would do no good to call any of these people, companies whatever…because no one will be able to tell me anything.  I certainly don’t want to call my mechanic and ask him anything because he may be in the middle of fixing my vehicle and I wouldn’t want to disturb him.  So the choice is mine:  Do I get self-righteous and grind my teeth or detach and find acceptance and happiness?  What choice do I really have?  I am powerless over these situations…HappinessI shall seek.

Johnnyboy

*It’s just after 10AM and the power company rep has just arrived!  Bravo!

I wrote this in an email to a friend this afternoon.  Since that time I have gained a level of acceptance for my future, my life and my being that I have rarely felt.  I have been able to let go of much fear in the past few days. I feel the root of this ‘letting go’ began when I decided that it was time to leave the care-giving of my mother to the caregivers and slip into a healthy stream of life.  At a meeting tonight an AA friend told me he is moving to Albany to re-energize a gay activist group he was a big part of in the 1980s.  The time has come again for this group to act.  This has inspired me to think, “Why not Albany?  Why not an urban center with a large community?”   If I were to try to predict my path for the next few years, or set a goal of life along predetermined lines, I would be selling myself short.  I wish to be happy, joyous and free, with the emphasis on ‘free. This is what I will practice, one day at a time.

Johnnyboy

1. Finish my editing work for the new magazine.

2. Ready work for one, but possibly three shows to be hung before and during my absence.

3. File two sets of taxes.

4. Pack a large box of clothes and gear for the trip, to be sent on ahead of my arrival.

5. Arrange my finances for the 3 1/2 month absence.

6. Have a staff meeting here at the house and make sure all the tasks are delegated.

7. Let go, let go, let go….

What it comes down to is my happiness.  How happy do I want to be today or am I so stubborn that I need to be right all the time?

Johnnyboy

Christmas was quiet and a little sad.  Since it was just my elderly mother and I there wasn’t much hoo-pla or goings-on, but that’s alright.  I was a little disappointed that my sister who lives closest to us didn’t come down for even a night or two. Mom would have loved that.  This is the sibling who has grown somewhat distant in the past year or so.  I imagine that she’s having emotional difficulties in dealing with my mother’s aging and so forth, but then again, I am only imagining this. It would have been nice to see her and mom would’ve gotten a kick out of it.  The other sister is doing well and on her way with my niece on a little trip before the niece goes back to the Women’s College she is attending.  She’s practically a straight-A student which is a big testament to her mother and the Waldorf School she went to in Maine.  In many ways I am jealous.

I am jealous because I could have thrived in that kind of environment, and there were, and are still, two of these schools quite nearby–a Steiner School just across the border and a Waldorf just up the road.  My father, unfortunately, is narrow-minded and traditional when it comes to education.  His problem was that I could never focus on discipline and my studies and was always doing well at what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do.  After reviewing my past I am convinced that I have ADD.  I show all the classic symptoms.  His own ignorance prevented me from blossoming and growing.  Instead he stunted my growth with insults and invectives, accusing me of being lazy and stupid.  I remember once that he called me a “goddamn moron”.  I shit you not.  Sixth grade in Iowa.  This is from a man who claims to love me?   I have always wondered who it was who told me that I was stupid and lazy.  I always knew it was him, but was incapable of admitting it to myself.  I always blamed someone else.  No wonder I believed him–he was my father and fathers do not lie.

I had a visit with him last weekend in the Big City as well.  It was a painful 12 hours long and I felt better the more distance I put between the two of us when I left on Sunday.  I can’t bear to be around him.

I guess I have some resentments around my family, but maybe that’s natural given the time of year.  I am two weeks into my 9th year of sobriety and much has improved in my life–no thanks to most of them, by the way.  I need to set some new ground rules. For a start, no more books or clothes for gifts.  If you ask me what I want and I tell you and you get me something else, I am sending it back to you.  Unless its flowers.  I like those.  And coffee.

Johnnyboy

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

It is interesting that having come out ten years ago to my family and friends, two years before I got sober, that I am kind of doing it again, but not really, and without the drama.  Thank the gods.  Drama I do not need.

I also have actual work coming up this weekend.  I am the second camera at a wedding in the state next door, working for a friend who has the contract.  Fun, fun.  Plus I get paid.

Although not with out its pains and foibles, my time at school over the past three months has left me stronger and more focused.  I am finishing school and hope to graduate in September.  I am looking into post-grad programs around here and in Europe, since I hold dual citizenry there.  So far the US schools do not thrill me. the European schools do, however.

I’ll write more later, but I have to scoot off to a 9AM 11th Step meeting down the road from me, here in Somewheresville.

It’s good to be back…

Johnnyboy

Johnnyboy

Just try to get removed from one of them, then you’ll see how insidious they really are.

Two weeks and I’ll be in Greece, I hope.

Johnnyboy

PS–I was able to remove myself from the Site of Satan.  Finally.  It was like looking for a needle in a haystack…I found it, not through the site, but via a Google search.   Makes me think they do not want us to leave…