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I have just over two weeks before I am scheduled to head back to the Balkans, Greece, and the European Third World.  I have been watching the financial crisis in Greece with some trepidation, not really sure what I should expect, but happy the Euro is slipping slowly against the dollar.  I am hoping to do a “test pack” tomorrow.  Ordinarily, I wouldn’t need to, but this time I am packing some different things in my big backpack.  I am taking warmer clothing, which can be bulkier.  I am also taking some professional grade photo print paper and my small portfolio.  Both of these items are rigid 8.5″ x 11″ x 1″ boxes and will have to be packed with clothing around them.  Also, my small camera bag will be in the big pack, but to utilize space I will pack it with my other art supplies like the vine charcoal, pencils, erasers and so forth that I will need for my Beginner’s Drawing course.  That way these items will be protected and the bag will not be just along for the ride.

My carry-on bag is my large Domke camera bag and that will hold two digital cameras (Canon 50D, Canon G11) and my film camera (Voigtlander R4M Bessa).  It will also have two lenses for the 50D, a 35mm and a 50mm.  In one of the side pouches all the assorted cables I will need as well as the plug adaptors.  SD cards, Flash cards, an external hard drive for files, lens cleaning supplies, passports, tickets, reservation vouchers, notebook, pens…the usual travel goods.

My great friend Jeanne Joy has sent me more contact info for AA folks on Paros as well as the number for her dentist when he lived there.  I will have a good list of numbers before I leave.  I am very excited to be going and to have this fantastic experience  in not only travel, but interaction with other students.  I am eager to begin.

In regards to beginnings and endings, I have ended my brief intimate relationship with a lovely woman.  She is taking it pretty hard, but I have to be pragmatic about life these days.  I have many priorities in my life that trump our being with each other.  I also found that at two years sober, her emotional needs were vastly different than my own.  In some ways, her sobriety is very much about the destination and mine is more the journey.  She had expectations that did not match my hopes.  Even though I feel that my decision was right, the breakup left me with a heavy heart.  I suppose it is a type of grief.  We will both live.  In the old days I would have tried to make it work and the pain would have been even worse after two years of disaster.  I feel that we gave our two months a decent try however.  What can I say…It just wasn’t working for me.

Johnnyboy

As of this upcoming Tuesday, February 9th, I will have only three weeks until I head back to Greece.  There are some new reasons I am looking forward to this experience.  The first is to get away from NetFlix and my addiction to ‘CSI’, ‘Burn Notice’, and all the other crap I can watch incessantly until the wee hours of the morning.  The second is to have a new eye on the world through the lens.  I need that desperately.  The third is a chance to re-evaluate my new relationship.

She wants marriage and children, I do not.  We have been honest about that.  She is 35 and two years sober, I am 45 and 7.  We have vastly different emotional needs.  I am happy on the journey, she has a destination and more expectations than I do.  Will this work?  I don’t know.  Does she define my life?  Certainly not, but sometimes I think that she has a real co-dependent streak that feels a bit too clingy.  We are discussing these things, albeit slowly.

I have some odd dreams in the past two nights.  I had a drunk dream in which I found out I had a strange, non-threatening cancer and decided to drink 5-start Barbados rum as a result.  I did not feel bad about it, but I was relieved when I woke up and found both events to be a figment of my imagination.  In the second dream I was walking along a semi-deserted street at night and came across an old friend named Colette, who was hooking.  She was also buying a bag of drugs.  I hugged her and she told me she was sick.  I said “That’s OK” and took care of her.  Strange dreams…

Johnnyboy

It’s pouring rain outside and windy.  The temperature is around 50 degrees.  It’s January.  In two days the weatherman says the temp is supposed to drop to a high of 25.  Back to winter we go.

I am off to Greece in 36 days.  I ran through a test-pack of my carry-on camera/shoulder bag and it’s not too heavy, plus everything is well distributed.  I am bringing two film rangefinders (my Voigtlander R4M and the old Canon QL17 GIII) and my small Canon Digital Rebel XT with a 28-135mm lens and a 50mm.  The school said that it is not necessary to bring a digital camera, but if you are comfortable with a specific one, to do that.  The other option is that I bring the Beast (Canon 50D) and its lenses.  That would increase my weight considerably, so I am leaving the Beast behind.

Mom is doing very well, but is nervous about my leaving.  I am nervous as well.  I am moving into a new realm of travel and having to turn a lot over to HP while I am gone.  It is good practice for me since I should be doing that every day anyway.

My significant relationship is going well, as far as I can tell.  I like it the way it is, but I am unsure about her.  I think she wants marriage and children and that is not in the cards for me.  Today I will ask her about these things.  It is better to know than to try to be a mind-reader.

More will be revealed!

Johnnyboy

I’m still not 100% sure the gubmint will let me leave.  After all these years, this tired old ghost continues to haunt me.  I have done nothing wrong; committed no crime; answer to no man, but still the Fear stalks my thinking.  Time to let that go as well.

If the river don’t rise I’ll be in Greece in 44 days.

Mom is doing well as are my personal relationships.  My AA work is solid and I am now the HMB Area 48, District 17 Secretary.  You all can look that up in your AA folders and find out more if you wish.

Winter is almost gone.  I can feel it.

Johnnyboy

The Thanksgiving week is upon us and family is coming into town for the feast!  Tonight is the night before and I have an AA commitment this evening at a nearby jail.  In preparation for that I had made a lasagna for company, since I will not be here to cook for them.  That way it will be a simple matter for those at the house to pop it in the oven and re-heat it.  (1) Unfortunately one of the caregivers felt it was alright to eat a piece yesterday for lunch.  She claims I told her there was enough, but I also remember telling her that it was for dinner tonight.  (2) Another one has an unfortunate habit of showing up 10-15 minutes late for her morning shift.  I would like them all to show up a bit early so they can overlap and ‘pass-the-baton’ in so many words.  Also, if one is late it means the previous caregiver has to stay later than they would like, possibly making them late for their day-job. (3) I came home last night hoping to eat a bowl of chili that was in the fridge and it was gone.

I think it’s time for a staff meeting and see if I can’t address these issues.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Johnnyboy

I stayed up late and watched “The Shawshank Redemption.”  It is a wonderful movie about hope, value and reward of innocence and the punishment of greed.  The downside is that I had a wicked nightmare that I was back in jail, this time for the rest of my life and all the gifts of sobriety had been taken away from me.  I woke up and immediately hit my knees and said “Thank you!”,  continued on with my daily prayer and began my day.

This is an old movie and thank God does not actually play very often in the theater of the mind.  It can be distressing, but it does remind me of what could happen if I make the choice to go back out and try drinking again–jails, institutions and death.  Not today.

Johnnyboy

My paper on Yugoslavia is done.  I have handed in the final ‘first draft’ but there isn’t much to correct, in my opinion.  The bibliography will be adjusted and tacked on, but what should I call it the paper?

I have been doing a lot of old-time AA service these days: driving guys around to meetings and so forth.  there has been one kid that I have been driving to meetings.  He is, in my opinion, a real mess.  He is on 15 different medications for bi-polar, addiction, etc…and I am not sure if I would call him sober of not since one of them is a med that keeps the urge to use heroin at bay.  That’s chemically induced clean-time.  I’m glad he’s not my sponsee.  If he ever asked, I would have to say ‘No.’

Mom is doing well and her mood and memory seem to be leveling out in a good and happy space.

I have asked a woman from a nearby AA group out on a date…yet again.  This will be the third (?) attempt at dating and it is pretty low-key.  She lives in the Big City most of the week and I have asked her to be my date at a photography opening in early November.  Nothing serious, just the show, then maybe a quick bite and then I have to head back home on the train.  I am not even considering sex…well, I suppose I am, but that’s normal.  I am not expecting it, that’s for sure.

I have registered for the 2010 International AA Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas.  It will be a big deal, with about 80,000 people in attendance.  AA holds it every 5 years.  How fun!  I am thinking of driving the 4000+ mile round-trip journey, but that is far away from now.

Johnnyboy

In the past two days I have sent out perhaps a half-a-dozen emails to various people, on various subjects, all of which require a reply in a timely fashion.  To me, they are all relevant.  Apparently not to the recipients, none of whom have replied back.

What is wrong with people?  I think that some are genuinely intimidated by the internet, email, and so forth.  I have had one family member tell me that she never checks her email, except on Saturday.  That is more passive-aggressive than anything else, but the others have no excuse.  they are business oriented and need to be written and sent.  Damn it…Get it together!  I don’t all day to sit around and wait…

Yes, yes…I know.  There are other people in the world besides myself, and they have lives of their own, etc, etc…My reaction is a symptom of the technological disease that has infiltrated all of ou lives.  I am happy to not be on Facebook, MySpace, or anything else.  I am happy to go for days without email while traveling.  If folks really need me,they can call…

Johnnyboy

My mother and sister left yesterday morning for a short trip to West Virginia, to visit with relatives and, in many ways, to say some final goodbyes to them as well.  This is probably the last trip like this she will be able to make and still retain a great deal of the experience.  In her words, “Yes, I am excited to go, but it will be also very sad, because so many of us are dead.”  From the mouth of a pragmatic woman comes the truth.  So far news of the trip is very good to excellent.  They are both having a fun time driving and talking…My sister is doing all the driving, btw.  They have done this in two legs–the first to Harrisburg, PA and the second today to mom’s hometown.  I am staying home and allowing the girls to have a week by themselves.

My B/W darkroom course is great.  I have only spent a few hours so far learning the chemistry (dirt simple!) and while the house is all mine I will use this time at night to develop all the rolls of film I shot over in Europe.  That way I can just bring them over to the darkroom across the river and print some stuff this week.  I am also using a friend’s Mamiya medium format, so I’ll be looking at those negs as well.  I found a great store across the river that still sells all the chemistry, so I don’t have to order it all from the Big City.  Plus, on-line stores will not ship Stop Solution, so I have to buy that first hand.  I have all the gear I need to do it, so I’ll be up late nights with test-tube…Oh, oh, oh, oh…

Speaking of the Beatles…In high school there was a personality test one could take to determine one’s spiritual and artistic development.  The question was, “Which Beatle do you identify with?”  The answer would give you a rough estimate.  I was told that the answer “John Lennon” was the best because he was the real artist who didn’t  become commercial or compromise his artistic talent–the anti-thesis of Paul  McCartney who just sang goofy love songs and made a lot of money.  Ringo and George were below both of them–simple, fun-loving Ringo on the bottom rung, with the shy and introspective George above.  Now, however, I am not so sure.  John Lennon was a deeply troubled, angry, resentful and complex person who never really, I feel, achieved substantial inner peace and happiness.  Paul, on the other hand, loved his wife, his children, didn’t take himself or his music too seriously, and has spent millions of dollars trying to make the world a better place–and he’s still happy and having fun.  John clutched at life and Paul just seemed to have let go…

Who would rather be or want to identify with?

Johnnyboy

I have had an amazing summer.  Alongside fantastic adventures have been harrowing escapades and daring-dos only the sober life can bring.  I rescues=d an AA friend from the clutches of a mean and nasty supposedly sober Irishman and she is doing better.  I made it through places I normally would not go and returned with a smile on my face and a hundred fires to put out, or so it seemed.  When I returned home two weeks ago, our fridge died.  It was 35 years old and deserves a full burial, but we opted for the quick pick-up and replacement.  Our new fridge reminds me suddenly of this new thing I have…My iMac. 

Compared to the Dell with Windows XP, this is something else.  This is elegant and lovely.  The Dell is as elegant as a brick.  It served me well, but is now so cruddy with internalized crap that it was time for a change.  Plus, the mac is better for my photography.

Now I get to load software….I cannot figure out how to put all the old bookmarks on here, though…Maybe highlight…click and drag.

Johnnyboy