Entries Tagged 'Uncategorized' ↓

My new camera arrived — with it my new lens. These represent an enormous upgrade in both cost and commitment.

I have been fooling around with it for a few minutes, after charging the battery, of course.

Oh my.

A Canon 50D with a EF 50mm f/1.2L USM lens.

Oh my.

It puts the Rebel XTi to shame. It’s so heavy. It’s so solid. The bokeh is so smooth. 15 mega pixels. Almost noiseless shutter….just a soft ‘thwwwppp’–no click or anything.

I’m in love again. I’ll post a picture tomorrow…

Johnnyboy

When my sister was here over Thanksgiving it seemed that every time I made some comment about food or the weather, or anything really, she needed to make some contradictory statement. An example is:
Me: That news restaurant has a huge menu, most of which is pre-fabricated food from a freezer.
Sister: I love pre-fab food! (In reality she never has. She has maintained the aura of an Earth-friendly local food type of person for decades.)

Today I experienced something else. One of the care givers always has to make some kind of damn statement about how we live here at our home. It is driving me nuts. Today, however, it was different. I am expecting a package via Fed Ex. It is a new camera and lens. It is quite an investment and was in the 4-figure range of pricing. The sender (Beach Camera) requires a signature form someone in the house to complete delivery. I am planning to go to the grocery store. In the event that they deliver while I am away I told Elizabeth (her real name) about the possibility and could she sign for me. Her response?

Elizabeth: It’s been my experience that FedEx just drops things wherever they want, and never requires a signature.
Me: But the sender requires it due to the high value of the package.
Elizabeth: That has never happened to me…

All I wanted was “Sure, that’s fine.” I didn’t need her personal opinion and a run-down of her experiences with FedEx. Nor do I really want her opinion on anything except the health and well-being of my mother. It bothers me that she tries to impose her values in my home.

I am tired of these people contradicting me just for the sake of hearing their own voices. They do not contribute to the conversation of the forward movement of society.

On better things…I have finished the dreaded ‘Digital Art and Design’ class. It is over and I will never take another on-line course again as long as I have something to say about it. ‘Unfulfilled’, ‘Bamboozled’, ‘Tedious’, and ‘Waste of time and money’ are some phrases that come up when I think of it. After reading the comments of others I have discovered that I am not alone. I am back on track with the rest of last semester (thankfully!) and start the next one in two weeks. I will begin my Senior Thesis and take a class (Study Group!) called ‘From Page to Stage” which is about reading and staging theater. Sounds fun!

BTW…If you haven’t already, see the documentary ‘Helvetica’…Very fun and cool.

Johnnyboy

Last year I submitted a proposal to my college for credit for previous life experience as a working chef. I had almost 20 years in the business before I left for a new life, much of which revolved around ESC and my completion of my B.A.

It has been made aware to me that the evaluator never sent any of the forms into the college. So I called the evaluator. According to her she sent them three times and then finally on a special form supplied to her by the college itself–all before the holidays.

So where did the form go? Whose in-box did it land in and who deleted it from their file? Who is to blame? Who is lying? Who is guilty of discrimination?

I have to admit that trying to get any credit from the college has been a disappointment. They do not accept credit from “trade schools” like culinary institutes. On the other hand they do automatically give credit to people who have served in the armed forces.

Perhaps I should have learned how to kill rather than cook. Then I would have no problem getting credit.

Johnnyboy

The holidays are over, the tree has been discarded, the tourists have departed the area and Somewheresville has settled into the mellow calm of January. If only I could do the same.

I am still behind in last semester’s work, with three papers to write before the middle of the month. I can do it! Yes I can! I feel like Bob the Builder…

I begin the next semester right on the heels of the departing one, so I will be happy when I can begin something anew, with a fresh outlook and be through with the leftovers.

Mom is doing well; safe, happy, warm, loved, and cared for.

I am now in my 7th year of sobriety, having celebrated my 6th last week. Life goes on, thank the Big Wheel that spins in the Cosmos.

Johnnyboy

Happy New Year everyone!

May you have all that you need and need all that you have. May prosperity and serenity both smile upon you this new year.

Johnnyboy

I was searching for meetings in Albania for a friend (and myself too) and came across this blogger. Her sense of spirituality is serene and I will enjoy reading her blog. She is in the list under ‘Another Spiritual Traveler’. She posted this, which I had not read in many years.

I think I’ll post it too. Pass it on.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

(c) Max Ehrman 1926

Johnnyboy

This Christmas is special for me. My mother is deteriorating before my eyes and this may be the last Christmas that she is aware of. While I am wrapped up in the selfish resentment that no one has asked me what I want for Christmas, I am actively giving generously to those in need: children in the area need clothing and food; families need assistance of all sorts. This is the kind of giving I am trying to practice.

So if you are wondering what to give, give to those who are in the midst of financial woes. Give what you can, if only of your time and patience. Volunteer if you are able. In my area there are many local organizations who practice this kind of community spirit. To quote Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few- or the one.”

If everyone gives a little locally, the larger world improves all around. This is the Spirit of Christmas, but please do not let it end on December 26th. The needy are in need the rest of the year as well.

Johnnyboy

Thanksgiving is over and the guests have left. Actually they left on Saturday, but Monday is close enough. It was bittersweet, with my mother’s health a looming concern, family dysfunction and, for me, a realization that I need not be intimidated by one of my family members any more. I have always been cowed by her noise, drama, and control. That has now ended. She revealed her true colors and there was nothing about them that caused anxiety, only sadness. Loneliness and regret are horrible emotions to drag around. I know, having dragged around my own sack of sadness for many years. My program of recovery has taught me to be a different person though. For that I am grateful. I am not better than her, or anyone else. That arrogance has been left behind as well. I have changed in the past few years, and I resemble little the person who walked through the doors of AA. I was shaking then, emotionally dead, unable to stand up and be counted, filled with fear and shame. No more. I hope and pray that she finds these things, this sense of calm and serenity, someday. I have left jealousy, resentment and anger behind in these matters.

School is moving along, but I fear I am behind in my work. The Digital Art and Design course has lost its shine; my history course needs only a small kick-start to finish up the tasks at hand. Next semester I begin work on my senior thesis, which is yet undecided. Probably something to do with the Balkans. I am also hoping to take some photography courses at a local community college so I can get some darkroom time. It has been many years since I have done this work (about 30!) so I need to re-learn all these things. I hope that the rest of my stay at ESC revolves around these kinds of courses. Frankly I need a a break from the history lessons. It feels like it is time to move along academically.

Here at the house I pay the bills (or make sure they are paid); I manage the upkeep, including repairs; I prepare the place for the future so the house stays well kept and solid; I act as liaison between my mother’s estate and her business advisers; I make sure that my siblings are kept in the loop regarding her health.

I am rebuilding my life from the smoldering ashes of the past. I will receive my B.A. just in time for Christmas 2009; I will apply to schools again for their MFA programs in photography. I will do these things as insurance against the storms that rock any boat at sea. I will set my compass on the distant horizon and sail into the next adventure, using maps I have been given and tools that keep me on course. In this fashion I have no fear, either from man or the world. The waves may rise, the wind may howl and doldrums may still the waters, but I will stay afloat, not due to any particular skill, but because I have the desire to do so and the ability to work for a life worth living–and I will not be alone in my journey. Myriad seers, friends, and mentors will be there to help me, but I have to ask for help.

These are some of the things I do. These are my tasks. This is my role here. I am useful and serve a larger purpose.

Johnnyboy

The concept of applying for an MFA is still not out the window, but more importantly I am hoping to have a much better web presence within a couple of months. The blog will come with me, dear readers, so not to worry. With it comes the angst, recovery, and laughter that only the pains of growing up can bring.

Mom is doing well. The weather has turned suddenly cold so getting her out of the house is more difficult. This is understandable. I’m glad the house is snug and warm and she is loved, cared for, and safe. This much I can guarantee.

The holidays will be the holidays. I have begun praying for those in my life who cause my stomach to grind its insides apart and because of that I can sleep better, although I had a fucked up “dream” the other night…More a nightmare…

I dreamed that the only reason I continue to make excellent grades in college and doing well in other venues is because I have Down Syndrome and those around me are going easy on me. What a relief to wake up and know that this is not true!

Johnnyboy

The photo show has been up for a few weeks and, I hope, showing well. I have distanced myself somewhat from the experience, feeling grateful to have just been chosen to participate. If I sell anything, it will be a wonderful bonus. The exposure and acknowledgment is the real high point for me.

School is moving along. I am still having fun with my US/Caribbean Foreign Policy course but the Digital Art and Design class is wearing thin. PhotoShop is all wonderful, but I have become bogged down in the sanitary nothingness of the truth behind web design and logos: it’s about advertising and self-branding, as a famous librarian friend has mentioned. I really feel kind of slimy trying to promote myself like a piece of meat. A few of us have stated this in the class, but I don’t know if the instructor has read the comments yet. The class is almost over, however, so I’ll push through and take the grade given.

I have begun looking at MFA programs in photography. One school, very near to me, offers one of the best. I attended the MFA open-house last week and was a bit apprehensive as I walked in the room. I was immediately put at ease by a friendly face that I had not seen for a while. That allowed me to relax, participate and enjoy the day. I will be applying there next January, 2010.

I am a sort of a purist when it comes to photography and computers. I really have no use for PhotoShop except to re-size, canvas, and crop. Beyond that I try my best to make the best image that I can with the camera first. If the picture sucks, it sucks. Screw the philosophy of post-production…It;s a cop-out.

Deer season opened yesterday…We have hunters up in the woods thinning the herds…Guns are booming. That is a pretty unnerving sound.

Mom is doing well, I suppose. She is alert, very capable still, and extremely feisty. My sisters and I will be having a meeting during the Thanksgiving weekend concerning her care and where we go from here. The 24-hour women who are here now are fantastic. My opinion is that nothing is broken so nothing should be fixed. The family has seen fit to live their lives away from here so far, and they should continue to do so.

These kinds of family summits have long since ruined the holidays for me. Thanksgiving should be a time of gratitude and peace-making. Instead, for me at least, it has become a symbol of fear, invasion and sudden change. This is all very sucky, and no amount of post-production will cure it.

Johnnyboy