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Happy New Year everyone!

May you have all that you need and need all that you have. May prosperity and serenity both smile upon you this new year.

Johnnyboy

I was searching for meetings in Albania for a friend (and myself too) and came across this blogger. Her sense of spirituality is serene and I will enjoy reading her blog. She is in the list under ‘Another Spiritual Traveler’. She posted this, which I had not read in many years.

I think I’ll post it too. Pass it on.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

(c) Max Ehrman 1926

Johnnyboy

This Christmas is special for me. My mother is deteriorating before my eyes and this may be the last Christmas that she is aware of. While I am wrapped up in the selfish resentment that no one has asked me what I want for Christmas, I am actively giving generously to those in need: children in the area need clothing and food; families need assistance of all sorts. This is the kind of giving I am trying to practice.

So if you are wondering what to give, give to those who are in the midst of financial woes. Give what you can, if only of your time and patience. Volunteer if you are able. In my area there are many local organizations who practice this kind of community spirit. To quote Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few- or the one.”

If everyone gives a little locally, the larger world improves all around. This is the Spirit of Christmas, but please do not let it end on December 26th. The needy are in need the rest of the year as well.

Johnnyboy

Thanksgiving is over and the guests have left. Actually they left on Saturday, but Monday is close enough. It was bittersweet, with my mother’s health a looming concern, family dysfunction and, for me, a realization that I need not be intimidated by one of my family members any more. I have always been cowed by her noise, drama, and control. That has now ended. She revealed her true colors and there was nothing about them that caused anxiety, only sadness. Loneliness and regret are horrible emotions to drag around. I know, having dragged around my own sack of sadness for many years. My program of recovery has taught me to be a different person though. For that I am grateful. I am not better than her, or anyone else. That arrogance has been left behind as well. I have changed in the past few years, and I resemble little the person who walked through the doors of AA. I was shaking then, emotionally dead, unable to stand up and be counted, filled with fear and shame. No more. I hope and pray that she finds these things, this sense of calm and serenity, someday. I have left jealousy, resentment and anger behind in these matters.

School is moving along, but I fear I am behind in my work. The Digital Art and Design course has lost its shine; my history course needs only a small kick-start to finish up the tasks at hand. Next semester I begin work on my senior thesis, which is yet undecided. Probably something to do with the Balkans. I am also hoping to take some photography courses at a local community college so I can get some darkroom time. It has been many years since I have done this work (about 30!) so I need to re-learn all these things. I hope that the rest of my stay at ESC revolves around these kinds of courses. Frankly I need a a break from the history lessons. It feels like it is time to move along academically.

Here at the house I pay the bills (or make sure they are paid); I manage the upkeep, including repairs; I prepare the place for the future so the house stays well kept and solid; I act as liaison between my mother’s estate and her business advisers; I make sure that my siblings are kept in the loop regarding her health.

I am rebuilding my life from the smoldering ashes of the past. I will receive my B.A. just in time for Christmas 2009; I will apply to schools again for their MFA programs in photography. I will do these things as insurance against the storms that rock any boat at sea. I will set my compass on the distant horizon and sail into the next adventure, using maps I have been given and tools that keep me on course. In this fashion I have no fear, either from man or the world. The waves may rise, the wind may howl and doldrums may still the waters, but I will stay afloat, not due to any particular skill, but because I have the desire to do so and the ability to work for a life worth living–and I will not be alone in my journey. Myriad seers, friends, and mentors will be there to help me, but I have to ask for help.

These are some of the things I do. These are my tasks. This is my role here. I am useful and serve a larger purpose.

Johnnyboy

The concept of applying for an MFA is still not out the window, but more importantly I am hoping to have a much better web presence within a couple of months. The blog will come with me, dear readers, so not to worry. With it comes the angst, recovery, and laughter that only the pains of growing up can bring.

Mom is doing well. The weather has turned suddenly cold so getting her out of the house is more difficult. This is understandable. I’m glad the house is snug and warm and she is loved, cared for, and safe. This much I can guarantee.

The holidays will be the holidays. I have begun praying for those in my life who cause my stomach to grind its insides apart and because of that I can sleep better, although I had a fucked up “dream” the other night…More a nightmare…

I dreamed that the only reason I continue to make excellent grades in college and doing well in other venues is because I have Down Syndrome and those around me are going easy on me. What a relief to wake up and know that this is not true!

Johnnyboy

The photo show has been up for a few weeks and, I hope, showing well. I have distanced myself somewhat from the experience, feeling grateful to have just been chosen to participate. If I sell anything, it will be a wonderful bonus. The exposure and acknowledgment is the real high point for me.

School is moving along. I am still having fun with my US/Caribbean Foreign Policy course but the Digital Art and Design class is wearing thin. PhotoShop is all wonderful, but I have become bogged down in the sanitary nothingness of the truth behind web design and logos: it’s about advertising and self-branding, as a famous librarian friend has mentioned. I really feel kind of slimy trying to promote myself like a piece of meat. A few of us have stated this in the class, but I don’t know if the instructor has read the comments yet. The class is almost over, however, so I’ll push through and take the grade given.

I have begun looking at MFA programs in photography. One school, very near to me, offers one of the best. I attended the MFA open-house last week and was a bit apprehensive as I walked in the room. I was immediately put at ease by a friendly face that I had not seen for a while. That allowed me to relax, participate and enjoy the day. I will be applying there next January, 2010.

I am a sort of a purist when it comes to photography and computers. I really have no use for PhotoShop except to re-size, canvas, and crop. Beyond that I try my best to make the best image that I can with the camera first. If the picture sucks, it sucks. Screw the philosophy of post-production…It;s a cop-out.

Deer season opened yesterday…We have hunters up in the woods thinning the herds…Guns are booming. That is a pretty unnerving sound.

Mom is doing well, I suppose. She is alert, very capable still, and extremely feisty. My sisters and I will be having a meeting during the Thanksgiving weekend concerning her care and where we go from here. The 24-hour women who are here now are fantastic. My opinion is that nothing is broken so nothing should be fixed. The family has seen fit to live their lives away from here so far, and they should continue to do so.

These kinds of family summits have long since ruined the holidays for me. Thanksgiving should be a time of gratitude and peace-making. Instead, for me at least, it has become a symbol of fear, invasion and sudden change. This is all very sucky, and no amount of post-production will cure it.

Johnnyboy

I have been reflecting on the past 4 years I have been spending with my mother. Initially I moved home because it was all I could do, having left my old life behind in a pile of debris and smoldering, burned bridges. Within a month or so it was obvious that I was there to help her more than the other way around.

As the years went by, her Alzheimer’s progressed, my sobriety grew, her frailty increased, and my role as caregiver expanded to include more than just the occasional trip to the store for her. I have now taken over the household accounting and serve as her Power-of -Attorney. I am not alone in these tasks, and for this I am thankful. There is her financial manager in The Big City who oversees her rather large estate; her attorney who manages that as well as her estate legal affairs; her CPA who prepares her taxes each quarter; there are my two sisters who offer me support from long distance and visit when they can — they are also listed as POA’s should I not be able to fulfill this task; and the crew of amazing caregivers working 24 hours a day that allow me to not only live my own life but to handle the above responsibilities round out the team.

Mom’s habits have shifted since her broken rib incident a month ago. She has withdrawn and spends much of the time in bed. Sometimes she is sleeping, and sometimes she is reading. Sometimes she just sits there and stares off into space, perhaps just thinking. Her depression is palpable. She is angry at the world and confused about what is happening to her. She is frightened by the loss of self that has accompanied this emptiness in her mind. The worst part is that she knows this is occurring.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it must be hard to see this going on. I think I have begun dismissing this kind of statement by rationalizing my being here as a gift, some sort of frightful challenge that is helping me grow. I think from now on I am going to acknowledge the pain and tell them it is especially hard on me because I have absolutely no control over the slow and terrifying slipping away of my mother, who I will always remember as being fun-loving, brilliant, energetic, and youthful.

This may sound selfish to some, but I think that part of living my life is to not be so tough or reserved when it comes to this matter. This is the most painful time of my life, and I hope none of you ever have to go through it. But if you do, don’t do it alone.

Johnnyboy

So…To recap the same-same…

Mom is doing better. We have put her on a mild anti-depressant and should be seeing results soon. She has been on Lexapro for about a month now. She still likes to stay in bed and read, but with weather like we have been having, who could blame her.

My school work is going along, but in fits and starts. I am having real difficulty with the PhotoShop class, mostly due to my inability to speak ‘Geek’. I am stymied by the current project, but I’ll get through it. It seems as if the person who wrote the instructions for our class wasn’t too hot on the English language.

On the fantastic side of things, I submitted six images to an open call for the local arts council and a juried photography show. Three were chosen! I was stunned and amazed, and this makes me happy, although I am humbled by the happening. The opening is next weekend, in Hudson. I’ll post the address later.

Johnnyboy

…All of the above.

I’m sick. I have diagnosed myself with sinusitis…My left gland on my neck has been swollen for a couple of days. My neck hurts. Tylenol kills my headache for about three hours and then it comes back with shock-like stabbings from deep within my skull. My face hurts. The top of my head is sensitive. In fact, the left side of my face feels heavier than the right, and although my nose isn’t stuffy, it isn‘ t 100% clear either. I’m tired, cranky, and running a slight fever of about 100 degrees. It’s too early to go to bed…

Two weeks ago my mother decided to do a sweet thing. She thought it would be nice to come upstairs to visit me while I was building my new bookcase from IKEA. This she did, and unaccompanied. On the way down the stairs, her worn out old slippers slid out from underneath her and she almost tumbled, but instead bumped a couple of steps down. Unfortunately she broke a rib. This has meant more bed rest and Vicodin for her. After recovering fully from a broken sacrum last spring and erlichiosis this summer, she is back in bed.

Fuck.

Still it’s not her fault. She’s the one with Alzheimer’s, not me. Why am I so pissed off? I am thankful for the 24 hour caregivers here. They allow me to move along with my life, but actually they have freed me up to assume responsibilities that I could not last year, mostly financial ones.

School is moving along. I am suddenly swamped with work this week (and I’m sick, remember?) but I’ll get done what I can. I have three papers to write and a module of my Digital Art and Design class.

Yesterday I drove to Syracuse and gave a short presentation today on relief work I was involved with last summer. 3 1/2 hours each way at 80 mph for a 35 minute PowerPoint show. In some ways I was a little disappointed in the other presenters. So many of them seem to be gravitating towards the overly popular ‘gender studies’ subjects. It’s boring, I tell you, boring. What ever happened to literature, art, science, history, and philosophy? Now all of these admirable subjects are examined through the strange lens of sexual identification? Please…! It’s worse than teaching Rhetoric as a writing subject.

Still the 12 people who saw my presentation liked it, and enough so that some of the faculty want me to present it in classes in Albany. So that’s good news. I guess I’m grateful.

I feels like shit. Achy, cranky, tired…Plus the caregiver who worked this morning didn’t pick up the fucking mail, which means no NetFlix, therefore I cannot watch ‘Grey’s Anatomy: Season 4′ until Monday….

Johnnyboy

I must admit these folks amuse me.

First, there are the legit ones, people I know, people who are genuinely responding. Thank you for everything.

Then there are the nutters and spammers…We all have those.

Then there are the folks who search the blogs for keywords and then comment on those posts. I just got one of those. It was a comment on a post I wrote back in January 27, 2006. It was about “A Million Little Pieces” and Oprah Winfrey. I mean really, how often have I thought of Oprah since then? Once? Twice, maybe?

The great news is that the photography company that I have been sending my digital prints to for enlarging is as goos as advertised. I know have 9 -16″ x 24″ prints that I need to have matted. I’ll frame them myself. The quality is superb (real Kodak paper) and the price…So inexpensive. For the whole 9 pictures it was around $130, and that includes s/h.

Very happy.

I am off to The Manhattan Short Film Festival tomorrow night with a friend and then to a night out in Troy, New York on Friday. I have begun my Tai-Ji Guon class and handed in the first of six papers for my Commie Class.

The photoshop class is buzzing along too. Above is an example of some work that I have done.

Johnnyboy