I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house. Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently. In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes. Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months. Yes–back to Greece.
It is December and it is pissing rain outside. I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short. We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed. At least they got my name right. The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever. I should just be grateful and leave it at that. 8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life. Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:
1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees. I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.
2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations. Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years. This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past. Shameful, but no more.
3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts. Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros. I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability. As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.
4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op. This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix. The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.
5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away. 8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls. I was terrified of life and what I had become. Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me. I had created myself and it was not good.
Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.