She wants marriage and children, I do not.  We have been honest about that.  She is 35 and two years sober, I am 45 and 7.  We have vastly different emotional needs.  I am happy on the journey, she has a destination and more expectations than I do.  Will this work?  I don’t know.  Does she define my life?  Certainly not, but sometimes I think that she has a real co-dependent streak that feels a bit too clingy.  We are discussing these things, albeit slowly.

I have some odd dreams in the past two nights.  I had a drunk dream in which I found out I had a strange, non-threatening cancer and decided to drink 5-start Barbados rum as a result.  I did not feel bad about it, but I was relieved when I woke up and found both events to be a figment of my imagination.  In the second dream I was walking along a semi-deserted street at night and came across an old friend named Colette, who was hooking.  She was also buying a bag of drugs.  I hugged her and she told me she was sick.  I said “That’s OK” and took care of her.  Strange dreams…

Johnnyboy

I am off to Greece in 36 days.  I ran through a test-pack of my carry-on camera/shoulder bag and it’s not too heavy, plus everything is well distributed.  I am bringing two film rangefinders (my Voigtlander R4M and the old Canon QL17 GIII) and my small Canon Digital Rebel XT with a 28-135mm lens and a 50mm.  The school said that it is not necessary to bring a digital camera, but if you are comfortable with a specific one, to do that.  The other option is that I bring the Beast (Canon 50D) and its lenses.  That would increase my weight considerably, so I am leaving the Beast behind.

Mom is doing very well, but is nervous about my leaving.  I am nervous as well.  I am moving into a new realm of travel and having to turn a lot over to HP while I am gone.  It is good practice for me since I should be doing that every day anyway.

My significant relationship is going well, as far as I can tell.  I like it the way it is, but I am unsure about her.  I think she wants marriage and children and that is not in the cards for me.  Today I will ask her about these things.  It is better to know than to try to be a mind-reader.

More will be revealed!

Johnnyboy

If the river don’t rise I’ll be in Greece in 44 days.

Mom is doing well as are my personal relationships.  My AA work is solid and I am now the HMB Area 48, District 17 Secretary.  You all can look that up in your AA folders and find out more if you wish.

Winter is almost gone.  I can feel it.

Johnnyboy

I am taking two bags with me, as usual.  My backpack, with most of my clothes, incidentals, toilet kit, etc…and my large Domke camera bag, which will hold two cameras (film and digital), three lenses, battery chargers, batteries, paperwork for travel, and a few odds-and-ends.  The film I will buy in Greece.  I can stash it in the over-head bin.  It’s not huge, but bigger than the Timbuk2 messenger bag which I will also bring– stowed in my backpack.  It is still the best “walking around” bag I have found.

I am having issues these days regarding home care, it seems.  All the women are doing great, but I am having a tough time.  Mom has aged a great deal since last spring, and even though her mind is better and the O2 has improved her life, I want to make sure that she is in the best hands when I leave.  So I am over-micromanaging and hovering.  This is not good behavior, I know, but I cannot help it.  One of the women, at least, bugs the crap out of me and, although she and mom get along and she is a gentle, kind soul, she can’t figure out that this is a job and she needs to treat it like one.  This is not an experiment in social living or communal dynamics.  It’s our home, I’m her employer, and if she can’t deal with it, she’s gone.

I am dating lovely woman from California who is also in recovery.  We are very relaxed, there is little or no baggage, and it is fun.  That’s all you get to hear about her.  She is not blog fodder.

When I return from Greece I will have to write three short papers and submit them to my school so I can get credit for the three courses I will take in Greece.  This is a humiliating and backwards process and reminds me that I am happy that perhaps I can say ‘goodbye’ to SUNY Empire State College this summer.  Although it has improved my life, the bureaucratic bean-counters deserve little or no thanks for sitting on their rapidly widening asses and pushing virtual paperwork.  Once I receive my diploma, then I will write a letter to the ESC president and complain.

Drama, drama…

Johnnyboy

I think it’s time for a staff meeting and see if I can’t address these issues.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Johnnyboy

This is an old movie and thank God does not actually play very often in the theater of the mind.  It can be distressing, but it does remind me of what could happen if I make the choice to go back out and try drinking again–jails, institutions and death.  Not today.

Johnnyboy

My mother’s health is very good these days and we are both looking forward to seeing my sister and her husband over the Thanksgiving week.  They are coming to visit and will be here for a few days.  It will be a quiet few days and, I hope, restful for our guests.

I have been participating in a commitment with a nearby Men’s AA Group.  Twice a month we bring a meeting into the very same jail I spent 19 months in between winter 2003 and fall 2004.  I was nervous at first, but truly feel that I am able to leave, any of the ghosts behind me every time I lave the facility.  Next week we go back in on the night before Thanksgiving.  Having been there, perhaps I can deliver the message that these guys never have to spend another family holiday in jail again, if they choose.  What a wonderful sense of forgiveness I have found in this action, this 12 Step work and this program of recovery.  I have been granted a new life in sobriety, one that I could not have imagined had I stayed drinking and playing at being God.

Johnnyboy

I think she should start hanging around with more women and not me.  There are many other things I could say, but that would be judgmental.  I am sure that I have gone through the same growing pains as she has.

Johnnyboy

The date did not happen. I asked and she said ‘no’, but nicely.  The experience put me in an emotional tailspin that landed me on my pity-pot for a few hours.  I lost all gratitude for the above experiences as well as the whole of the past 7 years of sobriety.  I eventually snapped out of it and let it go.

Mom has bursitis in her hip. She also thinks she has been driving her car for the whole year-and-a-half she has been in bed, in the hospital, or whatever.  What a shocker for her.  ”Bullshit”, she said.  ”I can drive…I still have my licence.” “Sorry, but you cannot.”  I guess we should all be thankful that she can fight back, but that’s all he can do.  She cannot win.  She’ll wreck the car if she gets behind the wheel.  Time to keep an eye out.  She might try to make a break for it…

Johnnyboy

I have been doing a lot of old-time AA service these days: driving guys around to meetings and so forth.  there has been one kid that I have been driving to meetings.  He is, in my opinion, a real mess.  He is on 15 different medications for bi-polar, addiction, etc…and I am not sure if I would call him sober of not since one of them is a med that keeps the urge to use heroin at bay.  That’s chemically induced clean-time.  I’m glad he’s not my sponsee.  If he ever asked, I would have to say ‘No.’

Mom is doing well and her mood and memory seem to be leveling out in a good and happy space.

I have asked a woman from a nearby AA group out on a date…yet again.  This will be the third (?) attempt at dating and it is pretty low-key.  She lives in the Big City most of the week and I have asked her to be my date at a photography opening in early November.  Nothing serious, just the show, then maybe a quick bite and then I have to head back home on the train.  I am not even considering sex…well, I suppose I am, but that’s normal.  I am not expecting it, that’s for sure.

I have registered for the 2010 International AA Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas.  It will be a big deal, with about 80,000 people in attendance.  AA holds it every 5 years.  How fun!  I am thinking of driving the 4000+ mile round-trip journey, but that is far away from now.

Johnnyboy