A strange view of the world from the desk of a traveler, photographer, recovering alcoholic, eternal student, heretic, and erstwhile historian.

I am feeling the stress of pre-travel.  There seems to be too much to do, but if I break it down into tasks, there really isn’t.  It seems to be a matter of use of energy more that actual work.  Here is what I am doing before I leave in March…

1. Finish my editing work for the new magazine.

2. Ready work for one, but possibly three shows to be hung before and during my absence.

3. File two sets of taxes.

4. Pack a large box of clothes and gear for the trip, to be sent on ahead of my arrival.

5. Arrange my finances for the 3 1/2 month absence.

6. Have a staff meeting here at the house and make sure all the tasks are delegated.

7. Let go, let go, let go….

What it comes down to is my happiness.  How happy do I want to be today or am I so stubborn that I need to be right all the time?

Johnnyboy

I have been becoming increasingly maddened (not angered–there is a difference) by the lack of enthusiasm from my home group.  Our treasurer, although she has the same amount of time as I, knows nothing of the 12 Traditions and when asked a simple and reasonable question from a member of the group regarding the treasury, reacts with hostility, fear and arrogance.  Not good for someone with 8 years of sobriety.  The members with some of the longest sobriety (20,22 and 17 years) have little or no concept of why the 12 Traditions are important, why they work and their history.  Shocking.  It really is.  As the former GSR I have tried to help them when they came to me for answers regarding the Traditions and my answers suite them when thy wanted, but when they wish to do anything willful, they always cite the 4th Tradition and autonomy, as if this gives them freedom to act as they wish.  What it gives them is the freedom to be wrong.  Read the 4th–it’s what it says.  So I have a choice.  I can stay, and continue to be disappointed in a group that pays little or no respect to the program that has saved their lives or find another home group.

Recently a young woman sent a comment to the old address of this blog, when it was on Blogspot.  It has been a while and she said so.  It’s a strange comment and although her blog seems to be real, it smacks of Spamminess.  She also, like many young people in AA, have violated the 11th Tradition by posting her picture and hometown on the ‘About/Contact’ page.  Granted, no last name, but how many Lydia’s from Wilkes-Barre in AA are there?  I have emailed her thanking her for the comment and redirecting her to the newer site. I also reminded her about the 11th Tradition and about how GSO has concluded that this now applies to electronic media as well.  Whatever.  Newcomers.  I was that excited too, and naive.  Still, there is probably more hope for her than the members of my home group who cannot see that by selling Hazelton literature we are aligning and supporting an outside institution, thus in conflict with the 6th Tradition.  They voted that one in…

Johnnyboy

I wanted lots of snow, and now I have it-about three feet in spots here in Somewheresville due to winds and drifting.  It is supposed to end late this afternoon, which will be good and I am glad it’s finally winter.  As mom would say, “Well it is December so it’s time we had this…”

Christmas was quiet and a little sad.  Since it was just my elderly mother and I there wasn’t much hoo-pla or goings-on, but that’s alright.  I was a little disappointed that my sister who lives closest to us didn’t come down for even a night or two. Mom would have loved that.  This is the sibling who has grown somewhat distant in the past year or so.  I imagine that she’s having emotional difficulties in dealing with my mother’s aging and so forth, but then again, I am only imagining this. It would have been nice to see her and mom would’ve gotten a kick out of it.  The other sister is doing well and on her way with my niece on a little trip before the niece goes back to the Women’s College she is attending.  She’s practically a straight-A student which is a big testament to her mother and the Waldorf School she went to in Maine.  In many ways I am jealous.

I am jealous because I could have thrived in that kind of environment, and there were, and are still, two of these schools quite nearby–a Steiner School just across the border and a Waldorf just up the road.  My father, unfortunately, is narrow-minded and traditional when it comes to education.  His problem was that I could never focus on discipline and my studies and was always doing well at what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do.  After reviewing my past I am convinced that I have ADD.  I show all the classic symptoms.  His own ignorance prevented me from blossoming and growing.  Instead he stunted my growth with insults and invectives, accusing me of being lazy and stupid.  I remember once that he called me a “goddamn moron”.  I shit you not.  Sixth grade in Iowa.  This is from a man who claims to love me?   I have always wondered who it was who told me that I was stupid and lazy.  I always knew it was him, but was incapable of admitting it to myself.  I always blamed someone else.  No wonder I believed him–he was my father and fathers do not lie.

I had a visit with him last weekend in the Big City as well.  It was a painful 12 hours long and I felt better the more distance I put between the two of us when I left on Sunday.  I can’t bear to be around him.

I guess I have some resentments around my family, but maybe that’s natural given the time of year.  I am two weeks into my 9th year of sobriety and much has improved in my life–no thanks to most of them, by the way.  I need to set some new ground rules. For a start, no more books or clothes for gifts.  If you ask me what I want and I tell you and you get me something else, I am sending it back to you.  Unless its flowers.  I like those.  And coffee.

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

I really must re-read previous posts before I write new ones.

Johnnyboy

In many ways I think I have a lot to talk about today, yet at the same time I feel that so much of what I will write about is banal, or at least I can make it banal by creating a list of points of which I am ruminating in an attempt to organize these thoughts.  To keep in simple and relevant, I’ll write about the Serenity by the Sea LGBTQ Round-up in Provincetown last month.  It was worth the effort.

I went with a few expectations, most of which did not come to pass.  I did not get laid, for example.  I did not meet up with old friends from my family’s P’town days, although I did make a good run at it.  Not getting any hot man-to-man sex was probably a good thing.  I doubt if I could have handled it emotionally.  I would have become too attached, perhaps, or made too little of it.  It would have been nice, though.  I was prepared for any event (condoms, lube, etc…) but they stayed neatly in my shaving kit for the weekend.  I did, however, meet up with a couple of nice guys from Boston and hung out with them for a while. There were some good laughs and some phenomenal meetings.  I was dismayed a little by the sense of “ghetto” in the sober and queer community.  By “ghetto” I am referring to the classical definition of apartness  and separateness one sees in small communities that see themselves as being different from the larger social structure.  One can see this in the Orthodox Hasidim community in Brooklyn.  This concept also exists in the gay community. Many of the gay sober folk do not go to “straight” meetings as they feel homophobia or a need to speak to only those who walk that same path of sexual identity.  While I recognize that this is a valid belief, I do not follow this assumption.  I feel that AA is about sobriety, not who or how I like to screw. After all, a gay man inspired the writing of  ”Tradition Three” as a way to keep all alcoholics in the fold and deny no one the chance to find sobriety-that was 1948.  Homosexuality was still considered to be a crime in most places and referred to as “sexual deviancy”.   It seems that AA was ahead of the curve in civil rights.

In any case, it was an educational weekend, for sure.  I hoped to deal with some of my own internalized homophobia, and I did.  I realized that I am a little jealous of those gay men who act more flamboyantly than I.  My solution is to see and accept my feminine internal parts and celebrate them.  The workshop helped a great deal. Easy fix, but a lifetime job.  I heard about a book called “The Velvet Rage” and am currently reading that.  The link I have provided is to someone else’s blog, but there is a link to a bookseller from his writings.   Good stuff, even if all of the case studies do not apply to me.  Many do.  The writer of the book is also in recovery, so that perspective helps.  I am learning things about myself that I missed when I first came out in ’99.  I was far too numb from substance abuse for any soul-searching or internal education.  Now I can handle it, and this process is clearing up a lot of poor thinking and negative growth.  It is very much a 4th Step attitude, with some 9th Step self-amends healing to finish it off.

So I go to my meetings.  I’m out to those who I think it necessary to tell, but many people already know anyway, or knew, suspected, etc…Who cares?  That’s what my straight sponsor feels, and I agree.  This is about recovery.  I can go to LGBT AA meetings for that special need, or sense, that I need to get from that community, but I am here to get and stay sober.  All the rest is gravy, or maybe pearl jam.  About the closet?  Well….If you saw a tall, fashionably dressed guy with Armani glasses, a grey and purple Calvin Klein scarf and a blue beret walk into meeting you’d think he was gay.  I know I would.

Johnnyboy

The Serenity by the Sea Round-Up in Provincetown this past weekend was, for me at least, a smashing success and an emotionally draining experience.  The quantity and quality of workshops was stunning and there were about 850 sober gay men and women who attended.  There was some sadness for me, however.

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy

I have just t=returned from the 23rd Annual Serenity by the Sea Round-up in Provincetown.  It has been an foundation shifting event and one which I will write about more later.

Excellent workshops, fantastic fellowship and the promises coming true…

More to come,

Johnnyboy

Much has happened in the past few days.  The 14th Colony Photo Show went up without a hitch and the six b/w medium format pieces I submitted look lovely on the wall.  To top this off, I have sold one which makes me very happy.  I am here to get my work out there, not make a million bucks.  By the way, if anyone ever asks you about the difference between “b/w photograph (non-digital)”, “silver print” or “silver gelatin print” make sure you tell them there is no difference.  The fancier name was dreamed up by museum currators who felt that “black and white photograph” was too plain sounding and the  ”silver gelatin print” sounded more important.

There is one more group show this month that I am in and that will be it for me until next summer, unless someone invites me to be in a show, that is.  Plus, I am off to Greece in March for more work at the Aegean Center, so that will pre-empt any shows I might be in.

After five years of hard work and ceaseless toiling through a byzantine bureaucracy, I have graduated from the State University of New York with a BA in Historical Studies.  I am amazed and really don’t know what to do with the feelings: relief, joy, pride, etc…I also have pretty much visited most of the places on my to-do list.  This brings an end to my first Five Year Plan so I need to develop a new one.  What will it be?  I’m taking suggestions…Perhaps life will, as it does,  show me the path to take and perhaps I am already on it.  ”Keep going” my father said.  I will.

In a couple of weeks I am off to “Serenity by the Sea”, probably the largest LGBT AA Round-up/Convention in the country.  It is being held, as always, in Provincetown, on Cape Cod, and the organizers expect hundreds of folks from the sober queer community to be in attendance.  I’m pretty nervous, actually, so we’ll see what happens.  In any case, I hope to get some good shots of P’town, a place I grew up with and a place where as a sober man I can now travel safely and well.

Johnnyboy

Well…My first group show with the 14th Colony Artists Co-Op has opened and so far we have had some good reviews from those who have walked through.  Not much has sold yet, but that is nothing new for the art world.  A co-op can be a difficult situation as well, because so many levels of skill and medium are represented.  It can confuse some people.  I have already experienced the snobbishness of some ‘critics’ who claim to be collectors towards some of the painted pieces.  Fuck ‘em.  My world has little room for them.

I am grateful to have two of my digital pieces in the show but was surprised by how little people know, or more accurately assume, about digital photography.  Many think that because it is a digital photograph that it is some kind of composed artifice, a manipulated image or something.  I assured many people that I do not engage in such trickery or deception nor do I feel that such work is even “photography”.  I am a purest at heart, whether in the wet or dry dark room.  You won’t find me using CS4-5 like a hammer.

Speaking of which–the weather has cooled and my dark room is open once again for the season.  The ambient temperature is a lovely 67*F which means that I only need to warm up the developer a degree or two for a 2 minute full-black development time.  The 14th Colony is putting on a photo show of the groups photographers (called ‘The Photo Show’) which opens on October 2nd and runs for two weekends.  I hope you all can make it!  The reception is on Friday, October 8th.  I will be hanging 7 medium format silver pieces which I am currently working on–local scenes mostly.  So I can be found in the DR most nights when it is quiet and no one calls.

It’s a decent day outside.  I think I’ll try to get put and shoot a roll or two.

Johnnyboy