A strange view of the world from the desk of a traveler, photographer, recovering alcoholic, eternal student, heretic, and erstwhile historian.

My paper on Yugoslavia is done.  I have handed in the final ‘first draft’ but there isn’t much to correct, in my opinion.  The bibliography will be adjusted and tacked on, but what should I call it the paper?

I have been doing a lot of old-time AA service these days: driving guys around to meetings and so forth.  there has been one kid that I have been driving to meetings.  He is, in my opinion, a real mess.  He is on 15 different medications for bi-polar, addiction, etc…and I am not sure if I would call him sober of not since one of them is a med that keeps the urge to use heroin at bay.  That’s chemically induced clean-time.  I’m glad he’s not my sponsee.  If he ever asked, I would have to say ‘No.’

Mom is doing well and her mood and memory seem to be leveling out in a good and happy space.

I have asked a woman from a nearby AA group out on a date…yet again.  This will be the third (?) attempt at dating and it is pretty low-key.  She lives in the Big City most of the week and I have asked her to be my date at a photography opening in early November.  Nothing serious, just the show, then maybe a quick bite and then I have to head back home on the train.  I am not even considering sex…well, I suppose I am, but that’s normal.  I am not expecting it, that’s for sure.

I have registered for the 2010 International AA Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas.  It will be a big deal, with about 80,000 people in attendance.  AA holds it every 5 years.  How fun!  I am thinking of driving the 4000+ mile round-trip journey, but that is far away from now.

Johnnyboy

My paper on Yugoslavia is finished.  All I have to do is finalize the bibliography, correct some of the last few pages, and submit it for official inspection.  Done.  All forty pages.  Granted, I could have written the thing in two weeks, but it took me all summer.  Now I can concentrate on the b/w work in the darkroom and be through that as well.  12 credits to go after this month!  A light at the end of the tunnel…

On an AA note, I realized last night what Step Six means.  It means that my character defects limit me from being all that I could be.  It seems obvious, but it has taken me 6 years to understand that concept.  I think my friend Lolly is right…A Step a year…

I ran into an old friend at the Men’s Group last week.  He was always a good man, supportive of me and now he has 6 months of sobriety.  We talked of old times and he told me that another old colleague had OD’d last year sometime–found dead in his dirty, dark apartment.  Too much Crack. His heart exploded.  No one was surprised.  I certainly wasn’t.  RIP George Benner–It could have been me.

Johnnyboy

Today, September 3rd, 2004, the sheriff of a nearby county told me that I had to leave his facility and go away.  I was released from jail and moved home.  I have not had the need to return.  So many amazing things have occurred since that day that it is mind-boggling to think of it.

Thank you.

Johnnyboy

As former GSR of my AA homegroup I am still on the mailing list.  This means that I have received the applications for the 2010 International Convention being held in San Antonio, Texas next July.  I am going, and have only to mail my registration and book my room.  I’ll do that today.

I brought the applications to the meeting last night and made the announcement, held up the flyers, etc…Then I saw that the registration applications went into the chairperson’s notebook, which means they will never be seen again.  This makes me sick, and opens my eyes again to the apathy that surrounds me in this program.  This group is full of people with long-term sobriety who do nothing outside of coming to one meeting a week (maybe two) and leaving it at that.  How sad.  They have lost the gift of desperation and in doing so dampen the exciting fire of sobriety that I felt when I came into the rooms, and still feel at certain meetings.  They no little or nothing of the 12 Traditions (which are not suggestions, like the Steps), and to top it off, I found out last week at a business meeting that the current treasurer (15 years sober) had no idea what a prudent reserve was.  Once again, puking time is upon me.

In any case, their sobriety is not my own, and they can do what they want, but they give the impression that it is OK to just go to meetings and so forth.  They take it all for granted.  Blah, blah, blah…listen to me go.

Good news is all around me…Mom is doing much better (reading, with it, etc…) and the world still spins on its wobbly axis despite my disappointment with a bunch of whinging old ladies.  I am going to finish my thesis and photo class by the end of next week and move along in life.  This, I declare, is my goal today.

Johnnyboy

In the past two days I have sent out perhaps a half-a-dozen emails to various people, on various subjects, all of which require a reply in a timely fashion.  To me, they are all relevant.  Apparently not to the recipients, none of whom have replied back.

What is wrong with people?  I think that some are genuinely intimidated by the internet, email, and so forth.  I have had one family member tell me that she never checks her email, except on Saturday.  That is more passive-aggressive than anything else, but the others have no excuse.  they are business oriented and need to be written and sent.  Damn it…Get it together!  I don’t all day to sit around and wait…

Yes, yes…I know.  There are other people in the world besides myself, and they have lives of their own, etc, etc…My reaction is a symptom of the technological disease that has infiltrated all of ou lives.  I am happy to not be on Facebook, MySpace, or anything else.  I am happy to go for days without email while traveling.  If folks really need me,they can call…

Johnnyboy

My mother has come back to ground after 5 weeks of wandering in her mind.  It can be frightening for her, and dismaying as she is sometimes aware of what is going on. The past week, however, has seen a smoothing out of the rough edges.  Most of the time she knows where she is and, thankfully, she has not forgotten who I am or her other family members.  Her condition is called ‘sundowning’ and it causes her to become disoriented in the early morning after waking and beginning around 4:30PM until about 7:30PM.  I think much of it actually has to do with light and stimulation to her eyes.  Her attitude towards this can be upsetting for her, but she seems to be taking it in stride.  In short, she knows that she is safe and loved and at home.  What a relief.

In my academic life I am up against another bureaucratic wall.  I am currently finishing my history thesis and working in a darkroom for an independent study–this you all know.  After this summer is through, I will have only 20 credits left to fulfill, all of which are electives.  I have submitted the changes to my degree plan.  One of the changes is a possible 12-credit semester in Greece next spring at The Aegean Center for the Arts on the island of Paros.  I have visited the school already and met the director, John Pack.  I would be taking Digital Photography, Figure Drawing, and The History of Photography.  That would leave only 8 credits left before graduating.  The ACotA has a credit exchange program with a huge list of colleges and universities here in the US and abroad, including several from  the same state institution I attend.  It is also accredited with the Association of American Colleges and Universities.  This seems like a no-brain-er and  it would be except for a woman named Milly Dean (not her real name). She is on the academic assessment board at my school and probably one of the reasons I had such hard time last year with my Prior Learning Assessment for culinary arts.  She says that since the Arts Center is not “regionally accredited”,  Empire State College cannot transfer the credits.  She has also denied any of the changes I have made on my degree plan.  I have finished my major; the only credits left are electives, which I am taking in the arts and photography in preparation for trying to get an MA or an MFA.

My mentor is working on this for me and I will go above Ms. Dean’s head if I need to. The worst case scenario is that I transfer all my credits to SUNY Purchase and finish my BA there.  I have been told that there are two reasons Milly Dean has it in for me (and others as well).  The first is that a creative strategy for learning does not fit into her neat little unimaginative box.  The second is that ESC receives no money if I go to Greece.  It comes down to the fact that Milly Dean and others like her have no imagination and, maybe, but only maybe, are even jealous of those who do.

It is sad to see that the world of education has been co-opted by the bean-counting idiots who sit on their fat asses and eat chocolate all day.  This is true.  I’ve seen it. They have fat asses and they eat chocolate all day.  The counting of beans is an idiomatic statement.

Mom is adjusting to the O2 scene very well.  She instinctively knows how to adjust it on her face when she needs to blow her nose and hasn’t complained about having to wear the cannula.  The new twist is her mental state.  She doesn’t think she is at home, but rather has been brought someplace else.  We have seen this before, but not at this level of insistence or depth.  It is common with dementia and Alzheimer’s patients to experience this, and it ill only progress deeper.  Last night she woke up several times and wanted to “go home”.  Soon we she will want to make telephone calls to her brother who has been dead since 1984.  Such is life.  As she progresses in her dementia new protocols are put into place to accommodate her needs.

The power went out last week during a big storm and luckily we had backup O2 for her.  This being said, it is time to have a generator installed.  I have done some investigating and a local fellow is coming over this afternoon to fit us with the correct unit.  The price is reasonable for us and the sense of security is priceless.  It is one thing to have the power go out in July, when the nights are merely unseasonably cool.  I don’t want this happening in the fall or winter and be stuck without a furnace, running water, air compressors or telephones  for any period of time.

I’m handling this pretty well.  It is heartbreaking-true.  There is nothing I can do except make sure she is safe and cared for.  The decline now will be swift, I hope, thus lessening the periods of panic and confusion running like frayed threads through her synapses. 

A few months ago a good friend in the program (who took care of both his parents and his wife as they died) told me that when she finally does die I won’t know what to do with myself.  He’s right.  I can feel it already.

I am off to the 41st New York State Convention of Alcoholics Anonymous this weekend.  I will be taking the train, thus saving me and my car a 14-hour round trip drive.  I can plug in my laptop and get some work done.

Btw…”cannula” is Latin.  It means “reed” or “tube”.  It is also where we get the word “cannoli”.

Last week my mother went to her childhood home to visit relatives.  We all knew that this would be a difficult journey for her, but it is clear that it was far more than that.  The trip down was uneventful and fun, but when she arrived she began showing signs of stress, exhaustion, and disorientation–all in the extreme.  She returned last Thursday and she was wiped out from the minute she arrived.  As a result she stayed in bed about 21 hours a day only coming out to eat.  While eating she couldn’t keep her eyes open.  On Monday, when things became worse (garbled speech, confusion, delirium, hallucinations) I took her to the hospital.

We thought the worst–a stroke, but were relieved to find nothing wrong with the CT scan.  We also thought she was dehydrated, but that was very mild and not enough to cause her symptoms.  When her O2 saturation was checked she was at 82, far lower than she should.   This was due to the progression of her CHF.  With the addition of oxygen, the numbers went up and she responded well n went back up to 95.  She came home yesterday.

The respiration people showed up right behind with a compressor for her room and several O2 tanks.  This is how it will be now.  We have turned a large corner and her life, although better, will never be the same.  It is as if we have crossed a threshold which leads to a quick decline and death.  How long that will be is up to her HP, but it will probably not be long.  I think maybe two years or so, probably less.  She is still very confused about what has happened and where she is.  There have been too many routine shifts for her to grasp and it will take a while for her to get back into any semblance of  recognition of surroundings and people.  She knows who she trusts, loves, and wants near, but for now we all have to adopt new routines.

My feelings of sadness and grief are hard to measure.  There is still a little boy inside me that wants her to wake up and be my mama again.  This, I know, will never happen.  The adult Johnnyboy has made sure that she is as comfortable and loved as she can be.  That is all I can do.  

I grab hold of the program with all my strength and remember my own powerlessness.  I turn this situation over to my HP on a minute-by-minute basis.  It gets me through these times.  As many people as I know who have traveled this road–they can only console me and let me know that they are there if I need them.  This perhaps the most private moment I have ever felt.  I know that I am not alone, but it sometimes feels so lonely.  Helpless…That’s how I feel.  There is nothing I can do about this anymore.

Johnnyboy

My mother and sister left yesterday morning for a short trip to West Virginia, to visit with relatives and, in many ways, to say some final goodbyes to them as well.  This is probably the last trip like this she will be able to make and still retain a great deal of the experience.  In her words, “Yes, I am excited to go, but it will be also very sad, because so many of us are dead.”  From the mouth of a pragmatic woman comes the truth.  So far news of the trip is very good to excellent.  They are both having a fun time driving and talking…My sister is doing all the driving, btw.  They have done this in two legs–the first to Harrisburg, PA and the second today to mom’s hometown.  I am staying home and allowing the girls to have a week by themselves.

My B/W darkroom course is great.  I have only spent a few hours so far learning the chemistry (dirt simple!) and while the house is all mine I will use this time at night to develop all the rolls of film I shot over in Europe.  That way I can just bring them over to the darkroom across the river and print some stuff this week.  I am also using a friend’s Mamiya medium format, so I’ll be looking at those negs as well.  I found a great store across the river that still sells all the chemistry, so I don’t have to order it all from the Big City.  Plus, on-line stores will not ship Stop Solution, so I have to buy that first hand.  I have all the gear I need to do it, so I’ll be up late nights with test-tube…Oh, oh, oh, oh…

Speaking of the Beatles…In high school there was a personality test one could take to determine one’s spiritual and artistic development.  The question was, “Which Beatle do you identify with?”  The answer would give you a rough estimate.  I was told that the answer “John Lennon” was the best because he was the real artist who didn’t  become commercial or compromise his artistic talent–the anti-thesis of Paul  McCartney who just sang goofy love songs and made a lot of money.  Ringo and George were below both of them–simple, fun-loving Ringo on the bottom rung, with the shy and introspective George above.  Now, however, I am not so sure.  John Lennon was a deeply troubled, angry, resentful and complex person who never really, I feel, achieved substantial inner peace and happiness.  Paul, on the other hand, loved his wife, his children, didn’t take himself or his music too seriously, and has spent millions of dollars trying to make the world a better place–and he’s still happy and having fun.  John clutched at life and Paul just seemed to have let go…

Who would rather be or want to identify with?

Johnnyboy

I have had an amazing summer.  Alongside fantastic adventures have been harrowing escapades and daring-dos only the sober life can bring.  I rescues=d an AA friend from the clutches of a mean and nasty supposedly sober Irishman and she is doing better.  I made it through places I normally would not go and returned with a smile on my face and a hundred fires to put out, or so it seemed.  When I returned home two weeks ago, our fridge died.  It was 35 years old and deserves a full burial, but we opted for the quick pick-up and replacement.  Our new fridge reminds me suddenly of this new thing I have…My iMac. 

Compared to the Dell with Windows XP, this is something else.  This is elegant and lovely.  The Dell is as elegant as a brick.  It served me well, but is now so cruddy with internalized crap that it was time for a change.  Plus, the mac is better for my photography.

Now I get to load software….I cannot figure out how to put all the old bookmarks on here, though…Maybe highlight…click and drag.

Johnnyboy