Talkin’ about Fear…

So I had an epiphany of sorts the other day…I am currently working on a historiography (writing about what others have written.) paper about Woodrow Wilson and the US foreign relations policy of neutrality before and during the First World War. Heady stuff, really, but no different than any other paper I have written on the conceptual level. I found myself mentally wringing my hands over what to do, what to do, etc…It suddenly occurred to me that this was a big problem (the hand wringing) and that I had always acted this way towards any challenge or assignment that was well within my grasp. I was flooded with this deep sense of calm, and that there was no problem and nothing to fear. I could write this piece, and write it well. My track record so far has proved that. Trust me, I am not making a 3.93 GPA because I’m such a swell guy!

Anyway, the conclusion I instantly came to was that I can do this (and almost anything) with style, panache, dignity, and grace. All I have to do is remember is to do it the best I can and that my HP will be taking care of the results. After 5 years of sobriety, you’d think I wouldn’t need to remind myself of these things…Well, I have a built in Forgetter just like the next guy.

I begin my Degree Planning class next week, and the Fear is there too. I want to finish the BA in Historical Studies and then go for my MFA in journalism/photojournalism. I can do the MFA in Albany or The Big City, but that is about two years from now. After that, who knows?

I have been buying old cameras on eBay, primarily the Canon AE-1. I purchased two for a grand total of $150.00, both mint. I’ll use the Digital Rebel for color work and the AE-1 as a dedicated b/w unit.

How strange…I am suddenly aware that I am completely at ease with the idea that these life directions are due to parental influences when I was a little boy–to document the space I travel through in words and images and feel wonderful doing it.

No Guilt, no Fear, no Shame, no Embarrassment, no need to get hung up about it…


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Johnnyboy is a queer recovering alcoholic. For the moment he is also the primary caregiver for his mother, who suffers from age-related cognitive impairment. She is happy as a lark and is surrounded by a crew of sober women which gives him the freedom he needs to get out of town. When he is not at home in Somewheresville, he is searching out the proper path to travel for happiness and joy. He is a photographer who believes in the digital age, but feels that film is still where its at. He has a darkroom and works in it. He is single and is in remarkably great physical condition for all the damage he has submitted his body to. His cardiologist is very happy. Johnnyboy is over the age of 35.

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