Tense and nervous…

I’m feeling really…edgy…as if everything I say must have a point, or that…I don’t know…as if all of my words are emphasized, like they are in italics or something.

My computer screen has a problem as well. A month ago a very thin, yellowish, vertical line appeared on the screen, running from top to bottom, showing up then disappearing intermittently, like blinking. I was pretty sure it had to do with my LCD display and not the PC specifically.

Then it went away for a few weeks.

Yesterday it came back, in the same place, same demeanor, etc…so I think I need to replace the screen, unless you folk(s) out there have any bright ideas that may save me mucho dollars and headaches. The warranty has expired, so that’s no good.

If I don’t look at it, it doesn’t bother me. It’s very thin, and actually doesn’t show up on light colored backgrounds. It doesn’t effect how the thing runs. Maybe I’ll just live with it until it drives me insane and then go have it fixed.

Why do I have the premonition that the repair will cost almost as much as a new PC?

On the family front…

My father has ceased any hope of ever visiting his grand-daughter. There seems to be no desire for any communication from my sister (her mother) and that makes me sad. I feel it is wrong for my sister to use her resentment against my father as a way to keep him away from his grand-daughter. I wonder if my niece even receives the gifts he sends her? I know that I never receive any real responses of my gift-giving, unless of course I ask about it.

The fundamental memories I have of my sister are not very positive, I’m afraid. They mostly entail screaming arguments, slamming doors, the tears of my mother, and heartache and bafflement from my father. My roll in the picture was usually to curl up in the fetal position and try not to get in the way of the hurricane. Then she left home. That’s it, really. The rest are snippets from holiday get-togethers when she would steamroll in and express love so fiercely that no one would be able to reciprocate. God save anyone ever telling her to back off, slow down, or easy does it…then she’d play the ‘hurt feelings’ card (“everyone hates me”) and pull away in a reverse of the Love Steamroller.

She has found her own life, away from the family, not wishing us to be near, really. Only mom is allowed to visit.

I sense, however, that she is curious about how we are and what we are doing. She reads this blog occasionally, I think, snooping for clues or information, instead of being naturally interested and asking questions…She’ll probably read today’s entry, and the phone will ring…this is an old story, with a typical outcome.

It makes me sad, but I am learning to accept the fact that I really only have one sister.


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Johnnyboy is a queer recovering alcoholic. For the moment he is also the primary caregiver for his mother, who suffers from age-related cognitive impairment. She is happy as a lark and is surrounded by a crew of sober women which gives him the freedom he needs to get out of town. When he is not at home in Somewheresville, he is searching out the proper path to travel for happiness and joy. He is a photographer who believes in the digital age, but feels that film is still where its at. He has a darkroom and works in it. He is single and is in remarkably great physical condition for all the damage he has submitted his body to. His cardiologist is very happy. Johnnyboy is over the age of 35.

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