I spoke to my sponsor this morning about my conversations with my therapist(s). To be honest, he wasn’t happy and he accused me of being frightened to look clearly at my past misdeeds. I feel that he is wrong, especially when he also accused me of putting a ‘spin’ on the discription of the process we had spoken about. I was clear and honest with them, and I was clear and honest with him. I have looking at my past behaviors with complete willingness and clarity, and I have never made them smaller than they were or less important. I am also leaving the past behind me, but this is a slow process as opposed to the fast process that he advocated.
A month ago he mentioned that whatever amends I make “should hurt”. I don’t agree with this at all. I have punished myself and have been punished by others enough. It’s time to stop hurting myself. When the literature speaks about whatever price we must pay we will pay, I feel that I have paid. My daily amends to my past criminal actions will be those of small random kindnesses, and the grace of my sobriety. This morning on the phone I felt all the anger leave me. I take this as a sign that I am doing the right thing.
On that note, I leave for Ireland in two days for a week long trip to address some amends that need to be made to a close family friend and also some people who were negatively affected by my drinking several years ago. I weighed the options of making phonecalls, writing letters, etc…but a face-to-face is what is needed. Those that are not close to me will represent both the the amends I need to make to them and also the amends I feel I need to make to the country of my birth. By returning to Ireland a a sober man I am showing, rather than telling, that I have evolved into an upright human being, capable of remaining accountable for my drunken, slovenly, wheedling and grandiose behavior.
The last time I carried a bottle of Irish Whiskey in my shoulder bag. This time I’ll be carrying my 12-and-12 and a list of AA meetings in Dublin and Galway. The last time I took for granted the hospitality, charity, and love shown to me. This is why I feel I must be there in the flesh.
So, get well Aravis, and everyone else, don’t forget to do the next right thing, because you’ll know it by the way it feels.
Slange,
Johnnyboy
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