Month: June 2005

I really have no clue. I fumble about, taking advice from people all around me, hoping that this time all will be well. What I have to remember is that life will sort itself out, as if by some design, with or without my input. Having my number in the equation will steer the course along one path or another, but when you get right down to it, I have nothing to do with the navigation. The only choice that I have today is how I react to every situation happening around me. This is how life shifts, I think, hopping from one foot to the other, like an eagerly nervous schoolchild. Much of my reaction must be to accept life exactly as it is today, with no exceptions. I take that back–All of my reactions must reflect this philosophy. Once in a great while, I seem to get a glimpse of some kind of blueprint, like a flash in my brain, but then it’s gone. I would love to view the entire schematic, poring over the tiniest of details, past and present. On this blueprint the future is not a pre-drawn section, but rather constantly evolving as the present moves along and becomes the past. What we think of as the future doesn’t actually exist. It is always just The Now gradually moving behind us being replaced by something else. The Future is Now. Now is Then. Coo-Coo-Ca-Joob!

I was invited to a party this afternoon, and I actually think I might go. I have coffee on a regular basis with this guy who is a phenomenal drummer. I’ll call him Pete, because that’s his name. Anyway, he and the band he plays with are jamming at an outdoor party today, up in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, about 45 minutes from where I live. He invited me to go. If I do go, I am guaranteed to run into some folks that I haven’t seen in about 4 years, or since I got sober. They all know my history since then, so there are no great surprises. the surprises will be all the other folks I run into. The function is being held at the house of a member of another recovery group, some of whom I met while in jail. This might be weird, it might be great, or it might be nothing at all. But I think I will go. The music will be stunning and fun, that I am sure of. The rest of the shindig will be a reaction, by me, of the outside stimuli being served, like so many canapes. I’ll try not to eat the salmon mousse.

Ciao

Today is Friday, and aside from a brief snooze in the late afternoon a couple of days ago, I haven’t taken a really good nap this week. I always feel extremely well rested and, oddly enough, sleep better later that night. I also have very vivid and colorful dreams during the day. I read somewhere that that is because of the natural daylight during REM sleep. I don’t know. All I know is that I like to nap, and my cat naps with me. She always senses what is going on and hops up on the bed, curls up in the crook of my armpit, and is soon purring away. We bond that way. A little QT with Miss Kitty. So I’ll plan on a nap this afternoon, around 3PM or so.
I have to put this kind of self-healing into context with the rest of the crazy world going on outside. War, political upheaval, death, disease, all that stuff, can weigh pretty heavy on my little noodle. I have a natural drive to run around and try to get as many things done today as possible. Call it a Protestant work ethic, overcompensation, manic behavior, or being a busy-body, but I have come to the realization that there is nothing so pressing in my life that can’t wait until tomorrow. I’m not being lazy. If I plan 7 things to do today, and by some miracle, I complete all 7 tasks, I will be run down and exhausted. This is not healthy. If I am able to concentrate on 3 of those 7 tasks, and complete them to the best of my ability, with care and understanding, I will be a much happier person. In this gogogo world we must all learn how to stop, take a look around. Take the speakers out of your ears, stop running to “the store”, turn off your TV, and sit down. There is no competition. There is no race. Quit the life of a lemming. Live as a Human Being, not as a Human Doing. Relax. Recharge. Renew. You don’t have to always be on the go. There is no such thing as “doing nothing”. So do something else. Me? You know what I have planned. See you in Dreamland.

Johnnyboy