Month: June 2005

Nice to be here today. I am so very lucky for all the life I’ve been given so far, and so much more to come as well. I can still fall back into the old fear based lifestyle of constant ego-feeding terror. When I do this, all I need to remember is my brief time spent in jail and the poor souls I encountered while I was inmate #1229. I really had it all, then. I had (and still have) a family that loved and supported me, visited me, sent me books, mail, etc…My program of recovery was very strong, which gave me another huge asset–sobriety of thought and deed, I was able to receive visits from my shrink every Tuesday, and I was never without the creature comforts that money could buy. I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. On the other hand, there were guys in there who had nothing, and I mean nothing. No family, no God, no faith, no hope, and nothing to lean on and grow with when they were released. BTW, this was a local county facility, so the max you could stay was 2 1/2 years. The anger and shame that rolled around the jail was immense. So many souls in pain (me included) and unable to reach out for help. The excuses for this are pretty common in the world, pride being first and foremost on the list.
But, after 19 months I was released back into the community and into the loving arms of my family and friends. It has been 10 months since that day and I would like to pretend that it is all better, that I’m fixed, that I can put it all behind me now, but it’s not that simple. I still feel the watchful eyes of the guards, the suspicious attitudes of other inmates. I want to go back to my cell, listen to my little radio through the headphones, and let the world go away. I want to write away in my journal, catch up on my reading and generally avoid the outside world for a few hours. I want to isolate.
I guess, in some ways I am doing that right now. I kept a journal in jail (1800 pages) and it is all pretty self-centered stuff. I wrote a lot of haiku, though, so maybe I’ll publish some of those on the blog someday. So this blog is my journal of ramblings and fears, hopes and stumbling blocks that become stepping stones into my future, whatever that may be. I must understand that my past has cast me the way metal is poured into a mold, and cracked open. Jail galvanized me to a degree, and now I am shaping that metal with sometimes painful blows to my own ego, cutting away the old fears, revealing new hopes, and trying not to get in my own way.

Lots of work left to do…

Well, here it goes…I woke up this morning feeling OK, but still unsatisfied with the way the world is being run. It all seems to be going the way of some cheesy Hollywood movie, like Soylent Green or something. We even seem to have the Charlton Heston types running around in rip-stop khaki issuing all kinds of barking commands and orders to everyone that is able to fawn and scrape their way tyo subservience. I was once like that, both types. But I’ve fopund a much better way. I grab a cup of coffee and let other folks dig their own holes. If they me for help, I’ll be there, but until they do I’ll watch them instead of TV. More entertaining and usually better for the eyes.

I try not to force myself into the world anymore. At times in the past I needed a shoehorn to fit in. Now I try to be just me for a change, and it can be awkward at times. I must accept the fact that although my formal education was curtailed by my social activities, I am a real geek. I look like a geek, I do geeky things, around some folks I can act like a geek. All these are my impressions, of course. Only god knows how the world views me. Probably from more angles than I can see myself.

So, in the future I’ll try to put up some pics of my geeky activities, my geeky friends, and views of the world through my geeky glasses. Just kidding, of course. My friends aren’t all that geeky, but they are kind of crazy, and they make me laugh.