Month: July 2005

Sorry for the missed schedule, folks. As some of you know I was wallowing in self-pity and self-hatred and not at all well. Life on life’s terms was getting to be a bit much yesterday, and I’m afraid I let it spoil my day in more ways than one.

But never let it be said that you can’t start your day over anytime you want. Thankfully I rescued my day in the nick of time. It’s amazing what a little fellowship and human connection can do to clear away the insanity of thinking that I’m alone in all of this…this…human condition.

So, here are some more haiku. I was going to try to post some of the pictures of ‘The Gates’ from Central Park last February, but for some reason the Blogspot picture thingy isn’t working as it should. This will be fixed, I hope, and I’ll post the pics next week. Anyway, here are the haiku. Hope you like them!

#180
Such are beginnings,
born from sharp pain and labor,
then breathing, relieved.

#17
A scent of damp wood,
piles of smoking, burning, leaves,
a rake on the lawn.

#31
I hear the lovers
downstairs in their morning bed
flying seagulls cry

Johnnyboy

I showed yesterday’s post to someone and they gave me the critic “How gloomy!”. I disagree, of course. But that was yesterday.

Today I had to bring my car to the garage in Kingston for its checkup, plus a few other things. My appointment was for 8am, so I woke up at 6:30. Unfortunately I tossed and turned until 2:30 last night, so right now I’m pretty bushed. I think I’ll go back to my bed and snooze through lunch. I also had to rent a car for the 2 days that mine will be in the shop and I had little choices at the rental place other than a GMC Envoy. It is huge compared to what I usually drive and I feel very uncomfortable driving the thing. It seems to hog the road, and on the little roads I drive on, there is no room for error on the shoulder. I found myself crossing the double yellow line many times on my way home this morning. It also guzzles gas. I’ll use it only when absolutely necessary, I think, and borrow another car from a friend when I’m not .

I worry about a great many things these days, and I know that I shouldn’t. I really have it made. I need to write a gratitude list to remind myself of all the gifts I have today.

1.A life of sobriety
2.Opportunities to grow
3.Safety, housing, and food
4.My loving family
5.Achievable and relevant goals

I also need to remember that although I have done some pretty bad things in the past, I am not a bad person. I have taken responsibility for and paid the price for those acts committed while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. My future, as well as just today, is perfectly clean and good. My ego-driven self pity tells me that I am not worthy of friendships or love, and that I will be alone forever. I am trying to understand that these are the thoughts that keep me isolated and lonely. I miss having a girlfriend and those intimate moments that are not all about sex. The quiet conversations, side by side, heads on pillows, before sleep. My past tells me that no one would want me. I am trying not to listen to those voices that say I am ugly, stupid, and bad.

These voices make me toss and turn at night while they point their bony fingers in my face.

Johnnyboy