Month: July 2005

The weather broke yesterday and opened up the skies, sending the hot, humid air packing, like a houseguest who has stayed too long. I actually used a blanket on my bed last night, which made me feel as if I was actually going to bed, instead of just lying there sweating. This change also gives me a little energy. I don’t have to fight the heat, so my brain can think of other things. The most important thing is that I need to work on my essay for Empire State College. I think that most, if not all, of the text is down, but now I have to fiddle around, edit, rewrite, and generally turn the thing into something cohesive and readable. I spoke to my sponsor and he said it would be OK if I used words like ‘alcoholism’ and ‘substance abuse’ and ‘recovery’ in the essay. He reminded me that ESC probably has more than it’s share of people, who, just like me, are restarting their lives after years of living in homemade insanities. So, once again, I am being reminded that I am not so special or unique and that honesty and forthrightness will serve me better than lying by omission or obfuscation.

It’s also supposed to be clear and cloudless today so that gives me my own car to drive and enables my mother to have her car back. She is very generous and more than happy to lend me her vehicle, but I like my own car. She has a Ford Focus Coupe, which is actually a pretty nice little car. For an automatic it drives very well and has lots of kick. It’s also very quiet and feels very small and lightweight on the road. My VW, on the other hand, is a bit noisier, weighs a ton (2200 lbs), is a standard, and feels much bigger than it is. It has plenty of get-up-and-go, but it takes more effort to get it there on the behalf of the driver. I do love it so. It’s like driving some shiny, green, tank.

So this is the kind of day to get things done before I can goof off. I have my writing, and some gardening to tend to. I have also decided to stop eating so much meat, dairy, and cow cheese. With summer here I can indulge in a lot of fresh produce and salady stuff. Beans and other pulses (the technical term for beans, peas, and lentils) make an excellent substitute for meat, and it will give me a chance to cook that brown basmati rice I’ve had for the past month. Here’s a quick recipe for a mixed salad that’s good for anytime or with anything.

1 can of cannelini beans, drained and rinsed
1 can of chick peas, drained and rinsed
1 red onion, small dice
1 bunch asparagus, cut small and blanched
1 red bell pepper, small dice
1 tomato, cored, seeded, small dice
1 can of artichoke hearts, drained and in 1/4
3 cloves of garlic, minced
lots of fresh herbs, all chopped up (Simon and Garfunkel blend, plus basil)
the juice of 3 lemons
1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
salt and fresh ground black pepper, to taste

Mix all this stuff together, let sit in the fridge for about an hour or so, give it another mix, taste it and adjust your lemon juice, olive oil (it may need more), and reseason with S/P if necessary.
Bon Apetit!

Johnnyboy

I woke up this morning after sleeping all night. Amazing. I didn’t wake up at 4AM, or any other such scenario. I still plan on picking up my car today and driving it home, dodging the raindrops along the way. I checked the weather and it’s supposed to be cloudy all day and a 50% chance of rain this afternoon. Those are odds with which I can gamble. The other thing is that I really don’t want to leave my car where it is. It’s in the same town where I used to live and where I hit my emotional, physical, spiritual, and legal, bottoms, so I am very wary to have too close a connection there outside of my recovery. So in a couple of hours my mother, the saint, will drive me to the garage and I’ll pay $80 to the guy for his labor, hit a meeting, chat with friends, and hightail it home, about 25 miles. Cross your fingers.

All of the above is an example of how I must have control over my life. Having my car 25 miles away doesn’t feel safe, so I must have it in the driveway. Whether I drive it or not within the next 6 days will be a total crapshoot, but having the car at home is my first priority. It just feels wrong not having my car. I feel like the guys at jail will know who I am, what I did years ago and will want to vandalize my vehicle in a sneaky way, like spraying WD-40 on the brake discs or something. This is all ego. No one knows who I am, no one remembers, and no one cares. I have since discovered that most people are self-centered to the point that if the news of the day doesn’t directly effect them, they gloss over the facts and go straight to the comics and the horoscope. Notice I said “most”, not “all”.

My level of paranoia over my past can get pretty heavy sometimes. I panic whenever I see someone in a uniform or any kind of official vehicle. My shrink thinks that this is a response to being in jail for 19 months. PTSD. I tend to agree. It’s sometimes funny, though, to panic over a uniformed person seen from a distance only to get near enough to see that they are a plumber or something. I guess it’s not really funny. I’d like to laugh about the whole thing someday, but I don’t see that happening. So for the time being, I’ll sneak looks at police cruisers in my rearview mirror, certain that they are going to turn around and give chase; know that when the phone rings, and no one is on the line, that ‘they’ are just checking to make sure I’m at home; and make sure I check my brakes before I leave the garage…Just in case.

Johnnyboy