Month: August 2005

One of my greatest character defects is my desperate need to please people. This, as many of you know, usually causes more problems than not. For much of my life I have been a human waffle. I have had great pride in being able to see both sides, or even all sides, of an issue and agree with everyone. When it came time to choose sides, which at times Ihad to do, I felt as if I would betray my ‘friends’ and they would hate me for it. I have lived with this flaw for my entire life, but I must now make a stand.

The vote on Friday for my AA homegroup to adopt the Blue Card was greeted with an uproar from many addicts in the room yesterday. A coup d’etat ensued and the vote was stricken down in favor of a group conscience. The group will now vote on this issue at our next business meeting in September. What was once an AA meeting has turned into an Addicts Anonymous meeting where all subjects are considered worthy of discussion. The structure of AA at the noon meeting in Great Barrington is crumbling, taking AAs singleness of purpose with it.
During the discussion afterwards I found myself voting for the vote extension. I felt weak and shameful, having turned my back on the Traditions of AA. I made a vow yesterday afternoon, after confessing this defect to another alcoholic, to stand my ground firmly when it comes to my beliefs, sobriety, and the type of group I wish to call my homegroup.

I trust in the Traditions of AA, namely Traditions 3 and 5 in this case. I also must remain in a place where I feel the core of AA remains strong. This group is beginning to lose their focus. Bill W., our founder and a deeply flawed man himself, reminds us to not follow the path of The Washingtonian Group. This was pre-AA and The Washingtonians had helped sober up about 100,000 drunks. They then felt that since their program worked so well with drunks, why not work with all the problems that confronted mankind. Bill W. realized that the “multipurpose activities” of the group diluted its message and became its downfall, regardless of its good intentions. This is why there is a singleness of purpose about AA, that it is for alcoholics who want to get sober and to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

All of this comes at a time when I will be going back to school and will not find as much flexibility to attend the noon group. At the end of September I will regretfully resign from my GSR and Secretary positions and find another homegroup. My relationship with my sponsor will change as well. Unfortunately he is the spearhead of this new all-inclusive movement. I have learned a great deal from him. One of his lessons has been to stand up for what you believe in, even if people do not agree with how you feel.

On a lighter subject, one of my favorite–The X-Files. It was silly of me to think that Cancerman had been written off of the show. I am just finishing up season 5 and am pleased as punch to watch lots of episodes with Alex Krycek, aliens, the black cancer, Cancerman in a cabin in Canada, and Mulder coming to terms, yet again, with The Truth. I was afraid it would all end up with silly little investigations in the heartland of America.

Here are the haiku—

15.
Ripples running quick
and racing across the lake
pushing leafy boats.

20.
The leaves are clapping,
applauding the cooling breeze:
a sigh of relief.

44.
Smooth, tattered, velvet,
indigo, phosphorescent:
a broken moths wing

Johnnyboy

The past 2 days have been pretty busy here in Somewheresville. As some of you know, mom left for Maine on Thursday, so I have had the run of the joint for a couple of days. She won’t be home until Friday so I continue to bang around in this big place, with only Sweetie Pie for company, but that’s not all bad. Thankfully I get out of the house and pursue other activities.

At my Friday AA meeting we convened our regular business meeting. Usually there is nothing to talk about, but this time there was talk about how there seemed to be an awful lot of addicts, not alcoholics, coming to the meetings and sharing about their experiences with drugs and drug addiction, not about alcoholism. Whether one considers this a trend, problem, or even an issue doesn’t remove the fact that many sober alcoholics are becoming uncomfortable. Fear seems to be the dominating factor in the worries (“What is happening to AA?”), which could lead to a backlash of intolerance. Bad stuff, really. So I nipped this situation in the bud, I think.

We voted to read what is called the ‘Blue Card’ at the beginning of the meetings. To those of you who don’t know, there are 2 sides to the blue card, one which states that “This is an open meeting…” and one which states the opposite. Thankfully all the meetings are open, so we read the ‘Open’ side. It essentially states that the meeting is open to all, especially newcomers, and that keeping with our singleness of purpose, we ask that you confine your sharing to your problems with alcohol.

This decision will make a fair amount of waves, but such is life. The vote does not kick people out, nor does it keep people from performing service for the group. I hope I have found a middle ground on which we all can stand.

Other news:
Last night I attended a Sobriety Cruise with my friend Lisa. It departed from Albany at 7PM and chugged down the Hudson River for about an hour-and-a-half, and then chugged back. A fun time, really, although there wasn’t a whole lot of mingling. People seemed to stick with who they knew. I think that if it had been a longer affair, such as a weekend retreat, folks would have opened up more. The food was OK to poor, but the coffee was good and the company was the best. I didn’t get home until around midnight. I watched a movie and crawled into bed around 3AM, happy that there was no pressing need to wake up at any particular time. I fact, I may take a nap this afternoon, just to cement the fact that there is no rush today and that the world will most likely be there when I wake up.

I’m in the middle of season 5 of the X-Files. I must admit the stories seem to be getting somewhat hokey, now that Cancerman is dead. It’s as if Satan has been removed from the moral struggle between good and evil, and good still hasn’t won. I’m hoping for more and better conspiracy soon. I’ve seen the movie, so I know I have that to add to the mythology…It is interesting to see the back stories to the lives of Mulder and Scully, though. Scully, although focused on her work, is still very family oriented (Mom, brother Bill, sister-in-law, nephew), wherein whenever we see Mulder he is either sitting in his office doing nothing (and watching what seems to be porn), or sleeping on his couch after watching porn. His relationship with his mother, although loving, seems to be distant. I guess he is obsessed with his job and so he finds little relief or satisfaction outside the office, except, well, you know…porn.

Johnnyboy