My posting has been erratic, and for that I apologize. I try to keep a benchmark of other bloggers who do so every day, but sometimes life comes around, I get busy, distracted, and I forget. A robot I am not. Thank you to all those who have enjoyed my jail art. I’ll take some more pics tomorrow and post some more art on Tuesday as well as a double installment of ‘Haiku Tuesday’ to make up for last week.
The phone just rang and it was my sister from Maine. To say that the 2 of us do not see eye-to-eye is an understatement. There are 5 of us in our immediate family and she only speaks with one of us…My mother. This has a lot to do with the fact that my mother holds the purse strings. In the end I am very sad for my sister. She has denied herself and her daughter the unconditional love of an entire family, which includes an uncle (me), an aunt (my other sister), and a grandfather. Oh well, I’ll keep a light on in the window in case she has a change of mind.
Back to reality…
AA is going very well. I took a formal 5th Step last week and truly do feel ready to rid myself of many of my character defects, flaws, or shortcomings–whatever you wish to call them. It is a real relief to feel this way. All of my resentments, envies, and jealousies have been holding me back for much of my life and it’s time to be rid of them. So I’ll meditate on Step 6 this week and take the 7th next week. This is in keeping with my sponsor’s idea of “12 Steps in 12 Weeks”. Ambitious, yes. But at the end I will be very near my 3rd Anniversary!
There are people dying of this disease out there. An AA friend died in a nearby town just this past week from liver cancer. He had been sober for a couple of years, but had struggled for 10 years at least with sobriety. He was diagnosed with a large tumor on his liver that had spread cancer throughout his body 1 month ago. The doctors gave him 2 months to live. He lasted just over 3 weeks. He was in a great deal of pain in the end, but denied the morphine from the hospice where he spent his last few days. It’s moments like these that I regret not spending more time with Roman F. He was a jovial and dedicated member of our sober cadre, active in service and worldwide in his view of AA. He was an instrumental force behind the Bali AA groups and the SE Asia Yearly Roundup. He will be missed. Godspeed!
And still there are people coming in and out of the rooms. I ran into one such fellow the other day at a meeting. I knew him, and he had slipped. The results of his using were not surprising: his wife had left him taking the children, he was in line to lose his job, etc…When recounting his pain from the night before he began to cry. So I asked if he wanted help. The answer was yes. So I told him that I would pick him up that evening and take him to a meeting, which I did. On the way home to his house he was suddenly cured. Everything was OK and he would be fine. In fact, so fine that my suggestion of going to another meeting with me the next evening was met with the kind of hemming and hawing one hears from the fearful and arrogant. In the end he will do his program the way he wants to do it, with the past memory forgotten, and self-will running the show. I predict he will use again within the week.
I know what it took for me, and I remember the pain, the fear, and the loneliness. I never want to forget really wanting to die, and making those kinds of rational seeming plans. That is one thing that keeps me sober today. I am not fooling myself that I am cured. I will never be cured. I have a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. I am an alcoholic, but I am sober today.
When Roman F. Would share at meetings he would always say “My name is Roman, I’m an alcoholic, and by the grace of God and Alcoholics Anonymous I woke up again today free of the influence of mind-altering substances, and for that I am grateful.”
That says it all, in my opinion. Good night Tommy, hope you feel the right pain, and goodnight Roman, now you are truly free.
Johnnyboy
