Month: November 2005

…And I’m currently deja vu-ing away. This is so strange. I swear that I already named a post “Thanksgiving, memories,…” Very odd. I like the experience of Deja vu, of course, but it makes me a little creeped out in some ways. Does this mean that the future cannot be changed, or that our minds are just having a little hiccup or something? Are there people who do not know the feeling of Deja vu?

I had a long talk with my father today. I’m going to meet him in the City next month for a couple of days and bop around with he and his wife, Kathleen. She’s very nice and we get along pretty well. There was never any idea of a ‘stepmother’ role as they were married when I was in my 20s and too mature (right!) for another mother. But it was a good chat today and we spoke about old friends and typical family stuff. I confirmed the date of his last visit to my sister up north (10 years ago), so if I ever have to trot out that piece of info, I can. I have a feeling I’ll need it on Thanksgiving, when family stuff will come up.

It feels very good to be challenging the old illnesses in my life. Taking responsibility for my own existence and trying to make something of the foundation that I have built over the past 4 years is a lot of work, but to deny my past would be to lie about the present and defraud the future. That’s why if I have a problem with someone, I have found it’s best to go straight to them instead of someone else, and complain. I’m trying to grow up here, for Christ’s sake. I am extremely grateful that I have a loving and mature relationship with my father, my sister, and my mother. I’m even beginning to reach out a little more to cousins and not-so-distant relatives. I am accumulating a long list of friends worldwide and near at home who know all about me, even my “secrets”. They understand that the only shame that’s real is the shame from not reaching out and asking for help, being a friend, and accepting your part in all circumstances. No one is innocent. There are no angels. We have all hurt others as we think that they have hurt us. To run away and hide is not the way to break the cycle. I tried that for years. Confront your fear. Look into the abyss. What are you afraid of?

I ordered the turkey and oysters for Thanksgiving. There will be 6 of us for dinner: My mother, myself, my sister from the city and her husband, an old friend of ours up the road, and a friend of my mothers. It should be a good crowd.

I always worry about oven space. The food will be classic T’giving fare–nothing too off the wall. No need to challenge anyone on a day of rest and relaxation.

I’m currently watching “The Prisoner” on DVD. Very cool and surreal 1960’s pop spy TV. There are definitely some Dali-esque elements in some of the indoor stage sets, and the whole feeling is of swinging London a la Rene Magritte.

Johnnyboy

I’m still doing very well in school. Chalk up three more ‘A’s from my research writing class for a good indication of that. In return we were given a pretty big pile of homework for the next 2 weeks. I have to start writing my paper on “Harriet Miers: The Right Choice” (more about that in a minute…) and a 3 page article summary, plus a hefty amount of reading. On top of that I need to finish up my philosophy reading (100 pgs) and start writing a 10 pager for that class. So I’ll be busy, and the month will fly by.

The Harriet Miers thing is kind of funny. I chose the idea based on the philosophy that going against my current thoughts will make me work harder to truly understand the subject. So I am taking a pro-Harriet Miers stance. Now, some of you may think that this point is now moot. In some respects, yes, but not my angle. All I am trying to prove is that Shrub used the best information he had at the time to make the best decision he could have made, and she was it. It’s actually very interesting to log on to the conservative websites, newsites, and so on, and read their spin on the deal. There isn’t a whole lot of reliable reporting out there to support my stance, but it exists. I’m staying away from the bloggers, as a rule. Personal opinions are not what I’m looking for.

If you want to see a lame blog, go to Dennis Hastert’s Blog. I’m not going to link it, so just google and go. It really sucks. Boring, idiotic, and he doesn’t get what a blog is for. He’s a narrow-minded creep anyway, IMHO.

I’m finally sleeping well. My Neurocybernetic therapy is working. My therapist will be happy. I know it sound like science fiction, but it’s not. It’s just a way to retrain your high Beta, Alpha, and Theta waves to not have you on point every waking hour of the day, so when you do fall asleep, you sleep. A couple of weeks ago I was waking up in a panic every hour or so. Now I sleep through the night. This sleeping is but one symptom of my PTSD from being in jail. There are others, like panic at seeing people in uniforms, loud clanging noises, etc…

I have a feeling that family members are reading this blog in an attempt to keep up with my daily goings-on. It feels kind of like they are spying on me. Isn’t that strange? I mean, I don’t care if anyone reads this rant, but it is so odd to know that people are making up their minds about seriously personal issues based on an assemblage of meandering thoughts. It’s as if the are playing a game of “secret notes”, one clue leading to another in hope of finally being led to the cookie jar.

Hmmm…secret notes…

secrets suck

Johnnyboy