Month: January 2006

Through my step work with my sponsor I have come to my 9th Step. I have written before about my amends to my father and mother. It essentially comes down to their wish for my happiness through a healthy state of mind. My availability and sobriety today is my amends to them as it is to myself. When I first came into the program, my sister told me that my actions were the greatest gift I had ever given her. That was over 3 years ago. When I constructed my 8th Step list of people I needed to contact my sponsor and I looked at it and decided when I should make these amends and how to follow through with my plan. Most of the people on the list were family members. The rest were primarily former co-workers and employers. Thankfully I didn’t owe any money or any legal restitutions. As most of you know I took care of the legal end to my fullest.

The first order of business was importance. Was it necessary for me to search out every person in my life that I felt I needed to confront? Certainly not. What was important was to prepare myself for the day when I would confront them. As he put it,

“Ten years from now you’re driving along and you stop to help a person with a flat tire. That person turns out to be the guy you lived with 20 years ago and skimped out on with the rent. You must be ready to react properly and with dignity when the subject arises, and it will.”

Much of my list is made up of people like that: people whose last names I have forgotten, old lovers who are lost in the past.

The rest of the list live within 40 miles my home.

Do I go to them immediately and start knocking on doors? My sponsor seems to think that this should be an organic process and many of my problems in the past are a result of my pushing the envelope and forcing an issue. I think the idea is that they will appear when both of us are entirely ready to go through with the actions. I can see this working already: my brother-in-law called yesterday. We haven’t spoken in years and in that time I said some very hurtful things about him. All of these things are due to my resentments, angers, jealousies, etc…Halfway through a great conversation I changed the subject and made my amends. It was simple. I apologized for the past and the hurt and told him that I would never do it again because I am trying to build something new from the ashes of the old. He was very gracious and more than understanding. He is a gentle and wise man who is able to see my insanity (and therefore my family’s) for what it is and also for what it is not. He knew I was in pain. My pain hurt him, but he has forgiven me, as I have forgiven myself. So what’s the problem?

Simple. Tonight at a meeting we read the BB Chapter 6, ‘Into Action’. When it came time to share I laid out what I have just written. There were many good ideas put forth. One guy, however, I think, made it a point to try to correct me and said things like “This is not called ‘Into Thinking’ or ‘Into Feeling’. My sponsor made me use google, phonebooks, start knocking on doors, and all that.” This really irked me. It made me realize that he was comparing, not identifying, and even trying to one-up me. There were weird comments all through his share that bothered me and obviously seemed pointed concerning my and my sponsors apparent ‘Easy does it’ approach. Actually I think the guy is an asshole so that may be coloring my attitude. We don’t get along, and frankly would never be in the same room together if it weren’t for AA. Strange…I also think he spreads rumors about my felonious past that are highly damaging. Sometimes I want to say to him, “If you have something to say about me, say it to my face…”

Whatever. I don’t have to like the guy. He has his own shit to work through.

Here are the haiku…

#28.
The rolling streambed
rattles and tumbles stones
and carves them rounder.

#238.
Swifts, flying abstracts
dancing on the bright pinhead
of a cool morning.

#194.
To be lost at sea,
floating, awaiting rescue,
miles from anywhere.

Johnnyboy

Fortunately the only promises in my life these days are kept by HP and not myself. My attitude and outlook on life has changed and I have ceased struggling against the river. This reminds me of the Taoist tale of the man being swept down the torrent and walking ashore unscathed. His solution was to relax and let the current take him. In doing so the water kept him from bumping into the rocks and so forth. It was only the stiff and unbending branches that were snapped against the unyielding blocks of stone. Yes, I know it’s cliche…Go with the flow, man…HA!

I decided to do a little websearching this morning and sought out a past teacher of mine from prep school. The school itself was pretty right-wing and I was certainly out-of-place being a political and cultural lefty in a world of rampant conservatives. As I recall the big heroes of the institution were a couple of lust-for-money Texans who cornered some commodities market way back when. I think they came to bad ends eventually, taxes I think. Anyway…I had this English teacher and hallmaster who was pretty cool, too cool for that place, if you know what I mean. He played guitar (not folk), read cool books, had a seemingly wild past that drew a few of us to him. He was also a genuinely nice guy. He helped me out a lot with my homework and even caught me tripping 2 days before the SATs. I remember his words well–“And remember John, no more psychedelics.” That having been my first time around, so-to-speak, I was mortified that anyone knew about my strange experience. Isn’t it odd that as teens we thought we were getting away with it all? Hmmm…But as the great philosopher said, “When I was younger, so much younger than today…”

So I looked him up. He is no longer at that school, but rather the Headmaster at a school in a Northern State that seems more balanced, less snooty, and certainly more based in reality than the previous hallowed halls of tradition and mammon. His picture shows him to be a little grayer (as am I), but with the same clarity of eye and easy smile which drew me to him in the first place. I even sent him the address to this blog.

I know the state he lives in pretty well, but not his region specifically. I checked the AA listings and there are plenty of meetings around his neck of the woods so if I end up visiting I can hit a meeting or 2. Strange…

“And now my life has changed in oh so many ways…”

Gotta love philosophy…

Johnnyboy