Month: February 2006

Through the labor that I am performing today in recovery I am learning how to feel right about myself. I am discovering that I do not need to look to others to validate my feelings or my actions. When I am upset or serene it is because of something that I am doing, not what others do around me. When I succeed or fail it is because of the work that I have done, not the judgments of those in my presence. When I do not know the answer or feel unsure about my path I ask for help, either from my God or a person wiser than myself. I am beginning to love myself and therefore able to love everyone else. I understand that many people do not yet have these gifts . For them I reserve my compassion, love, and patience. I pray that those without may find a similar peace.

These are the terms with which I live.
This is life on life’s terms.

Johnnyboy

Note:
Once again, I warn any family members who read this that because this blog is anonymous and, in essence, an on-line diary, that reading it amounts to rifling thorugh my personal possessions and an invasion of privacy. If you read this and feel threatened by my personal views, that is your fault and you should be old enough to complain to me and not run to mama like a little child.

Well, the weekend is winding down with a sense of great success and accomplishment. For those not in the know my 2 sisters came to visit this weekend, where we planned to divide my mother’s possessions before she died. This enables us to separate her items from the rest of her estate so when that day comes, none of it will be taxed. It will all belong to someone.

Yesterday we set to work, room by room, and chose furniture, art, favorite knick-knacks, etc…
I must say that it all went smooth as silk. We essentially worked through the house beginning in the morning and finished in time for my sober sister and me to head off to a Step meeting nearby. We then came home and had a wonderful meal.

I am truly grateful to have both of my sisters here. One of them, as some of you may know, I haven’t seen in over 8 years and, to be honest, our relationship has never been close. Even when I was a child she wasn’t as much a part of my life as my other sister or any other member of my family. This type of dynamic is not unique to my family, obviously. It was sad at dinner, though, when I realized that I didn’t really know my sister that well and in many ways she is a stranger to me. To make matters worse she has no real interest in what I am doing (or at least did not express this to me) nor does she seem particularly happy that I am doing well in school, sober, etc…This is all very sad, because this is one of the reasons that I was hoping this weekend worked out well: familial relations. I wasn’t expecting miracles, just some hope. Not much in that department. Some of her reactions to my plans, ideas and so forth actually seemed resentful, jealous, and angry.

So, in any case, the most important aspect is that I didn’t get caught up in her world and stuck to my own, with flexible, transparent, boundaries that kept me secure and reasonably serene. This is yet another item on my list that I must let go. She is not loving towards me, nor is she particularly nice to me, and why should she be? It’s not like I have to get along with everyone in the world, even if they are related by blood. So be it.

So, the family leaves today and I can get back to my Descartes/Locke paper due this week. I have only to write the section on Locke and then a conclusion, and I’m done. What a relief that will be!

Johnnyboy