Month: March 2006

I heard once that the most beautiful thing about the human heart is its ability to break. In those moments of sadness due to the loss of a loved one or a cherished family pet, our broken hearts fill with the gratitude of having experienced the love, closeness, joy, and of having known them for that brief time.

Of course, the broken hearts that litter the world due to unrequited or unreturned love are just a reminder of our own gentleness and search for compassion in a tough existence.

It’s all good. Although it can feel like a senseless waste at the time, perhaps we can see through the fog of pain to the truth: that we have loved honestly and with our hearts.

My head has come down from the clouds of the past few weeks. My feet are back on the earth where they belong, instead of drifting a few inches above the ground.

Tomorrow is my mother’s 82nd birthday, and for a gift I have left a card on the breakfast table for her when she wakes up early tomorrow morning. Tonight in class the teacher handed back one of my papers, one that I was sure flopped hard. It’s an ‘A’. I left that for her to see as well, not to toot my own horn, but to let her know that I’m doing alright. It’s only because of her that I can even go to school.

I cherish these moments and days with her in ways that are hard to describe. I hug her small body at times, just to let her know how I feel. I kiss her on the forehead when I leave the house for any length of time, and remind her that I’ll be home soon. I write my schedule on her calendar so she knows what’s going on with her son. There is nothing more fulfilling for me than to cook her dinner, or help her with an errand. How often did she do that for me, when I was a child and a drunken adult, and I never wondered or asked her why? I want nothing in return for this, and there is nothing that could begin to compare to the experience I am having. This warmth that I feel, and this worry, this pain…This is love. When I think I can put my thoughts into words I end up smiling, shrugging my shoulders, and giving a great sigh of gratitude for this journey I am on.

I have never seen such a huge place in which to store our lives as in the small chambers of the human heart.

Johnnyboy

And that’s about the long and short of it. Between all the great emotional ups and downs I’ve gone through in the past 2 weeks, plus school, plus family emotions, plus, plus, plus, it’s a wonder I can think at all!

I managed to finish my reading for school tomorrow. It took me a couple of days, but it’s done. I’m off to a meeting tonight, which always does me good.

Those dreams (only dreams, as Aravis reminded me…)) shook me up, but last night I slept alright, although I woke up with a headache and a stiff neck. Probably stress of some sort.

So thank you, all, for your words of wisdom, commiseration, and so forth.

Going uphill is not always a smooth journey.

I know that there were some really sage and witty offerings bouncing around in my head today, but for the life of me, I can’t find them.

Johnnyboy