I decided to skip my usual Thursday night meeting and stay home tonight. The treacherous roads helped make up my mind, but there were other, more important, activities to take on. I am leaving for Vermont tomorrow to take part in a Level 1 Shambala training retreat hosted by a Buddhist center. Karme Choling is a meditation center north of White River Junction and is thought of highly by both my sponsor and some other AA friends. This will be my first outing into a spiritual community beyond AA and I am very excited and nervous. They feed us well and I’ll be sleeping in one of the dorms. My sister reminded me that I’ll be one of many who are new and that some of them may be trying to heal themselves for some of the same reasons as me. Still, I greet this new experience with the nervousness of a student on his first day of school.
I was just outside having a smoke when it occured to me how quiet the world seemed. Up here on the hill the night closed in with a blanket of clouds and a feather bed of fresh powder, muffling all sound except for a dog barking in the distance. Even the county plows haven’t hit the roads yet, choosing to wait until later, when the weather has completely passed us by. There is no wind, not even a breeze. I reflected on how lucky I am, how fortunate to have this chance at healing and redemption. True, the world can seem as if it is spinning out of control. The Numbskull seems to be ruining this country the same way he ruined the Texas Rangers and his home state when he was governor. He is hell bent to create as much damage on his way out as he can. Like a spoiled child told to pick up his toys after leaving them scattered about the rug, he’d rather break them than let someone else enjoy playtime. But that is far away tonight.
I made a nice meal for mom and me and spent some time with her. I have done that a lot in the past 2 days. Yesterday we went grocery shopping together and today I helped her work out her new health plan with AARP. All is well. Her coverage is secure and she has been cared for and fed. I have also given her the only gift that I can: my inconditional love and company.
I may not have sobered up then for my family, but I stay sober now for what I can be to them today. I also stay sober for myself, realizing that, perhaps, through all of the self-imposed trauma and pain, I have hope after all. This trip to Vermont says this loud and clear. I am healing, asking for help, and showing up for life. What a relief! There were times when I was sure It was all over. Now I’m sure It has only just begun.
So I’ll read for a spell, write a couple of emails, watch a movie, and hit the sack. Tomorrow I’ll wake up, pack a small bag with what little I’ll need, and head North around 1PM. I should arrive by 5 or so, settle into my digs, introduce myself around, and…I don’t know what happens next. This is new for me.
I’ll tell you all about it when I get home.
Johnnyboy