A few weeks ago an AA friend invited me to go grab some Chinese with him and a few others. Instead of sticking my neck out, taking a chance, and letting others know me better, I chose the well traveled path and went to the coffeeshop and had the same old experience: safe, unchanging, and ultimately boring. I told him the next time to make sure I went for Chinese, and to drag me there if I didn’t.
After almost 4 years of sobriety I’d think that I have this part of recovery licked, but I guess that is yet another mirage.
Tonight I heard what I needed to hear, and not from the honest newcomer who shared. After sharing in my typically superficial way (I identified…so grateful…etc…), these two folks said things like, “I don’t want people to get to know me” and “I just want to isolate and be alone, because it is still what I know best.” The quotes may not be exact, but the jist is there for all to read. Now that I identified with. The truth is I don’t want anyone in. I want to do this by myself, with no one’s help, because, dammit, I think I can do it, and we all know where my best ‘thinking’ led me…
For the past two days I’ve been avoiding real responsibilities. I haven’t worked on schoolwork like I have told people (liar!); I haven’t been constructive (slothful beast!); I have been flirting with someone else’s girlfriend (lustful perv!); I have eaten too much meat and dairy, late at night, I might add (glutton!); and I have been lecturing my new sponsee (arrogant bastard!). Luckily I made a 10th Step amends to the sponsee, I can be more vigilant with my eating habits, and tomorrow is another day to hit the books and get some work done. The woman I can cease to flirt with. I can make these moves in the right direction, and perhaps act as if I have almost 4 years of sobriety instead of tearing my rotator cuff as I pat myself on my back for a job well done.
I wouldn’t be sober without the people who love me until I can love myself. For that I am very grateful.
Johnnyboy