Over the past year-and-a-half I have been regular in my AA meeting attendance. I tend to go to meetings at night, leaving my days free for school and other activities. The meetings that I attend are regular and predictable. My homegroup is strong and representative of many walks of life and both genders. I feel confidant in my sobriety when I am there. I leave that meeting feeling refreshed and new, with a positive, forward thinking attitude towards my sobriety and the future. There is a Step Meeting that I regularly attend on Friday night which has been instrumental in my sobriety. That meeting also has a Sunday night speaker/discussion meeting that I enjoy. Unfortunately there is one AA group which, 7 times out of 10, leaves me cold, confused, and feeling as if I have been watched, judged, and found wanting. It is a very ‘cliquey’ group and not the friendliest bunch in the land.
I have just returned home from that meeting with those same feelings. I have battled for a long time concerning my feelings and my safety in that meeting. I guess that’s the upshot–I don’t feel safe there. I feel as if people are quick to judge, and I also believe that certain people gossip about me and my pre-sobriety past behind my back, spreading untruths and rumor. I find that kind of behavior disgusting and extremely un-sober.
I do not feel that way at the other meetings I attend, so I know it’s not just my nutty mind playing tricks on me. Unfortunately there are some people there who I do like, trust, and get along with. But, as they say, one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel.
The nights I attend this group are Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I can change Thursday to a Big Book Step meeting nearby that I enjoy and reap a benefit from. The Tuesday night I can figure out somehow. I’ll check the schedules. The Saturday night meeting I’ll keep because it’s a big group and those same people that irk me tend not to go that night.
I know that I’m in this for my sobriety. I know that what other people think about me is none of my business. I know that I should turn it over and rise above the pettiness of others thinking, but I must make a physical change in my life to help this process out. “Move a muscle, change a thought” as a wise man once said to me. So I will.
This is not a new thing. I have posted about this issue before, and recently. It’s time for me to quit whining and make a decision.
Johnnyboy
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