Author: Johnnyboy

So, dearest globe trotters, there is another AA convention I will most likely be attending this summer, but this is slightly closer to home than Croatia or Greece. It is the 39th New York State HMB Convention in Glens Falls, July 20-22. I just found out tonight, so I’ll make my reservations before I leave in may. This will be my first US convention, having only convened in Europe so far. I am excited, as always, for these events. maybe I’ll fall in love with some beautiful sober woman, but with my luck she’ll be visiting from overseas…

We read Tradition 2 and discussed the thing tonight at a local meeting and there was some good talk. Once again I am reminded that it is a ‘we’ program, but the traditions keep us from harming ourselves.

I have school both tomorrow and Tuesday nights, and I am ready, I think. I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with my Independent Study prof, so we’ll discuss the rise of European fascism for an hour or so. I have been spending a lot of time on this class (as well as others) for the past two weeks and have read 4 books (plus notes) in preparation. My essay is finished for my science class (Tuesday night), and I have finished the required readings for my American History class tomorrow evening. My cumulative GPA for the past 4 semesters is a 3.89, for 10 classes/40 credits. I really want to ace these three current courses before I head off to Europe. This next trip will actually be counting towards my Fine Arts Gen Ed credit as I am planning to present a piece to a semi-professional group in September for a Credit-by-Evaluation.

Did that make sense?

Anyway…I’m off to watch some ‘Monarch of the Glen’. I am enjoying this BBC show a great deal. It’s some gentle comedy for my sometimes not-so-gentle mind to digest.

Johnnyboy

I had two very violent and disturbing nightmares last night. Both of them were ‘using’ dreams and both felt very real. I woke up relieved that the experience was a dream, but also very shaken. These are the latest in a series of dream scenarios I have had involving either drinking or drugging and are beginning to rock my foundation somewhat.

The first was a heroin dream, which is odd because I have never used heroin. In the dreamscape, I was with two Japanese (or at least Asian) men, about my age. They were torturing cartoon mice in small Spanish Inquisition-like devices, and then injecting them with heroin to test the purity of the drug. There was screaming, pleading, and blood, but I couldn’t look away. It seemed as if I was being forced to watch the proceedings as a form of torture itself. The scenario shifted and there were more mice, more drugs, more pain, and death. The mouse bodies were thrown away like old sacks of limp rubbish.

The second dream was a drunk dream and involved the restaurant world, a place all too familiar to me. I had become a ‘captain’, which is essentially the head waiter and maitre d’ of a local cozy and nice restaurant. All my friends were there, so to speak. There was the usual hustle and bustle of a busy Saturday night and afterwards, during the cleaning up, I grabbed a bottle of beer and a glass and had myself a long drink, about 8 oz. worth. I knew immediately what I had done and felt horrible, as if I had let everyone down. I shuffled back into the restaurant, knowing that I would have to start all over again and hanging my head in shame.

All of this has spurred the idea that I am still, within my family, living with a legacy of distrust, a belief that I am dishonest, prejudice, and fear. It has taken a lot of hard work to arrive where I am today, and any hopes I have pinned on the future rest on my ability to stay sober and do the next right thing. All of my strength is centered on a pivot of balance and direction, like a compass card swiveling inside the glass, shifting back and forth, but always pointing towards some hopeful and greater destination.

Johnnyboy