Category: AA conventions

Christmas comes slowly and quietly…

Johnnyboy

I am having a tough time trying not to control things here at the house.  Not that they are out of control, but I want them to run shinier, faster–more efficiently.  In reality they are running very smoothly indeed and I need not worry or push, but that’s how I can be sometimes.  Mom is doing well, the caregivers are wonderful, my own work is moving along (at a snail’s pace which is OK) and I am due for some travel time in about 2 1/2 months.  Yes–back to Greece.

It is December and it is pissing rain outside.  I want snow–lots of snow. A local newspaper ran an article last week regarding a small literature and arts magazine I have become involved with and in my opinion, the article fell short.  We gave the reporter much more and better information than she printed.  At least they got my name right.  The information was correct, and the article will help us publish, but…whatever.  I should just be grateful and leave it at that.  8 years ago I wouldn’t even have been a part of this project and incapable of this kind of life.  Let’s due a quick “its-2-days before my 8th Anniversary-countdown” and see where I am in my new sober life:

1. I am sober, working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I have sponsees.  I am active in AA General Service and I am part of a home group that welcomes me.

2. I have regained the trust of my family and relationships that I once thought were lost are being rebuilt on fresh foundations.  Although the relationships with my sisters has shifted in the past few months, I have been able to not play the Finger-Pointing Game they both have done for years.  This also counts towards my father, with whom I have taken sides against my family members in the past.  Shameful, but no more.

3. I have graduated from university and am working towards a post-graduate degree in the arts.  Much of this has to do with my traveling, because if I hadn’t gone to Greece for the AA Convention in Ermioni in 2005 then I wouldn’t have met Jeanne Joy who introduced me to the Aegean Center for the Fine Arts on Paros.  I have also used all the tools in AA for a successful college career: I have shown up, asked for help, and done the work to the best of my ability.  As a result I have a 3.98 GPA–high enough to be considered for European post-grad programs if I choose to go that way.

4. As a result of sobriety and putting myself into the public eye I have become involved with an area arts co-op.   This has allowed me to put my photography work into the mix.  The experience has challenged all of my self-belief systems and I feel that if I had tried to predict the outcomes I will have sold myself short.

5. If you told me 8 years ago where I would be today, what I would be doing, etc…I would have told you that you were crazy and to stay away.  8 years ago today I was cowering in a darkened apartment, the shades drawn, hearing voices coming down the hall, whisperings through the walls.  I was terrified of life and what I had become.  Indeed, the monster under the bed and in the shadows, lurking around the corner–that was me.  I had created myself and it was not good.

Everything is very different today-many 24 hours later and a whole lotta pain and love.

Johnnyboy

OK…Round-Up update…

Johnnyboy

The Serenity by the Sea Round-Up in Provincetown this past weekend was, for me at least, a smashing success and an emotionally draining experience.  The quantity and quality of workshops was stunning and there were about 850 sober gay men and women who attended.  There was some sadness for me, however.

After having spent so much time in P’town as a child I was nervous about going back.  I had been back as an ‘out’ man, but never sober, so that was a first.  So many things had changed that I grew a bit wistful on the first day, but I realized that this sort of romantic drama only leads me to a drink.  My solution was to try to re-disciver P’town as a sober gay man and ‘take it back’, so to speak.  So I did.  I walked around town Thursday morning , took some pictures and bought a lovely little painting of a dune scape.  I have successfully made the town ‘mine’ again and left the ghosts behind.

I went top quite a few workshops and shared at almost all of them.  My favorite and the most powerful was on the subject of “Homophobia”-not the external brand (although this is the source) but rather internalized homophobia and self-hatred.  I  know that this form of pain comes from years of being brainwashed by straight culture and bullies from as far back as 3rd grade.  Having been called a ‘fairy’ or ‘faggot’, ‘pansy’ or ‘queer’ all my life by teachers (yes, teachers–adults!) and classmates twisted my mind into thinking that I am bad, evil, not worthy, etc…I find it amazing that even today there are adults who would preach this kind of hate and pain as a value to be cherished.  Nasty people.  Just nasty.  So this workshop was a great way to get in touch with that part of myself that still wants to think that way.  Yes, I was brainwashed by straight culture.  I don’t have to be today.  I think a good way to alleviate this anguish is to cultivate my Inner Drag Queen.  This doesn’t mean I’ll be in visible drag for all to see, but inwardly I will be celebrating the feminine.  I have also learned that those people who cling to their homophobia as a source of power are doomed.  They are really afraid of themselves and who they might be.

So it was a great weekend.  I met some very cool folks, did not get laid (boohoo), but stayed sober though out.

I was also able to take some great pictures of some lighthouses with my medium format camera.  Seven rolls of film plus two 35mm rolls and numerous digital captures.  So it was a fabulous weekend!  I hope to do it again next year, but we’ll see what HP has in store.

Johnnyboy