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Fortunately the only promises in my life these days are kept by HP and not myself. My attitude and outlook on life has changed and I have ceased struggling against the river. This reminds me of the Taoist tale of the man being swept down the torrent and walking ashore unscathed. His solution was to relax and let the current take him. In doing so the water kept him from bumping into the rocks and so forth. It was only the stiff and unbending branches that were snapped against the unyielding blocks of stone. Yes, I know it’s cliche…Go with the flow, man…HA!

I decided to do a little websearching this morning and sought out a past teacher of mine from prep school. The school itself was pretty right-wing and I was certainly out-of-place being a political and cultural lefty in a world of rampant conservatives. As I recall the big heroes of the institution were a couple of lust-for-money Texans who cornered some commodities market way back when. I think they came to bad ends eventually, taxes I think. Anyway…I had this English teacher and hallmaster who was pretty cool, too cool for that place, if you know what I mean. He played guitar (not folk), read cool books, had a seemingly wild past that drew a few of us to him. He was also a genuinely nice guy. He helped me out a lot with my homework and even caught me tripping 2 days before the SATs. I remember his words well–“And remember John, no more psychedelics.” That having been my first time around, so-to-speak, I was mortified that anyone knew about my strange experience. Isn’t it odd that as teens we thought we were getting away with it all? Hmmm…But as the great philosopher said, “When I was younger, so much younger than today…”

So I looked him up. He is no longer at that school, but rather the Headmaster at a school in a Northern State that seems more balanced, less snooty, and certainly more based in reality than the previous hallowed halls of tradition and mammon. His picture shows him to be a little grayer (as am I), but with the same clarity of eye and easy smile which drew me to him in the first place. I even sent him the address to this blog.

I know the state he lives in pretty well, but not his region specifically. I checked the AA listings and there are plenty of meetings around his neck of the woods so if I end up visiting I can hit a meeting or 2. Strange…

“And now my life has changed in oh so many ways…”

Gotta love philosophy…

Johnnyboy

Alright, I admit it…My emotions run hot and cold these days, but whose don’t? I mean, yesterday my post was a lot of sincere talk about my emotional difficulties, fears, and stresses. There was a lot of great stuff as well, so I have to add that on to the ‘plus’ side of my daily accounting. None of the posted things were really bad, just part of life. My gratitude list always grows, if I want it too. It’s up to me to see the good things that I have and not dwell on the negative. Unfortunately it’s easier said than done.

I am sober today, and most likely will be tomorrow. It’s currently 1:25 AM here in Somewheresville and I am up doing laundry, watching movies, and typing away. I should be reading some schoolwork, but I have a few hours before bed. Plenty of time, he said. I have searched the house and there seems to be no one here but me and the cat. Still, this gives me time to do some work. As long as I can be awake at 8AM to grab the paper and the mail and head off to my shrink, I’ll be OK.

I would like to have everything right now, including intimate love, but I must wait. As my sponsor says, “Everything is exactly as it should be.” I have so much already that is going well in my life. School is going great, I’m part of a community of friends, and I am respected and loved for many reasons. My health is good, I have a car, there is food in the fridge, in my belly, and roof over my head. Even my crazy cat seems to approve.

Tonight I celebrated my 3rd year of sobriety with my homegroup nearby. The feeling was fantastic. Not to be the center of attention, but to just acknowledge all of their help in my battle with this progressive disease of alcoholism. I had someone else speak for me which I think is important. It is, after all, more of a celebration of the program with me as an example. By asking someone else to speak I am throwing a little humility out to the world. I also recognized that as much as alcoholism is progressive, so is recovery, as long as I work the program to the best of my ability. I put in the effort and not worry about the outcome. I was very grateful to have my sponsor there to give me my medallion and meet some of the friends I have that he doesn’t know.

The other celebrant was a guy called Fred, who celebrated 3 years as well…OK, I’ll take his inventory for a second. He spoke for himself and proceeded to ramble on for too long about not much, IMHO. In the end he decided to show us his new tattoos. I don’t know, I guess he’s improved over the years. At least he didn’t all religious like last year. He seems to have dropped his ‘born again’ lifestyle. Thank The Force.

The truth? He’s a nice guy and he is working on many life issues, just like me. As my sponsor said, “Sometimes it takes a few years to smooth out all the bumps and jagged edges.” I was proud to stand up there with him and blow out our candles together. Congratulations Fred!

My good friend Hawkcote gave me a beautiful card that she made just for me. She is an artist, and, if I know her, is awake right now either blogging or playing non-violent problem-solving video games. Thanks again, Hawkcote.

Well, it’s now coming up on 2AM and I think I’ll work on a model for spell before I attempt to get some sleep.

Johnnyboy