Category: Uncategorized

I showed yesterday’s post to someone and they gave me the critic “How gloomy!”. I disagree, of course. But that was yesterday.

Today I had to bring my car to the garage in Kingston for its checkup, plus a few other things. My appointment was for 8am, so I woke up at 6:30. Unfortunately I tossed and turned until 2:30 last night, so right now I’m pretty bushed. I think I’ll go back to my bed and snooze through lunch. I also had to rent a car for the 2 days that mine will be in the shop and I had little choices at the rental place other than a GMC Envoy. It is huge compared to what I usually drive and I feel very uncomfortable driving the thing. It seems to hog the road, and on the little roads I drive on, there is no room for error on the shoulder. I found myself crossing the double yellow line many times on my way home this morning. It also guzzles gas. I’ll use it only when absolutely necessary, I think, and borrow another car from a friend when I’m not .

I worry about a great many things these days, and I know that I shouldn’t. I really have it made. I need to write a gratitude list to remind myself of all the gifts I have today.

1.A life of sobriety
2.Opportunities to grow
3.Safety, housing, and food
4.My loving family
5.Achievable and relevant goals

I also need to remember that although I have done some pretty bad things in the past, I am not a bad person. I have taken responsibility for and paid the price for those acts committed while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. My future, as well as just today, is perfectly clean and good. My ego-driven self pity tells me that I am not worthy of friendships or love, and that I will be alone forever. I am trying to understand that these are the thoughts that keep me isolated and lonely. I miss having a girlfriend and those intimate moments that are not all about sex. The quiet conversations, side by side, heads on pillows, before sleep. My past tells me that no one would want me. I am trying not to listen to those voices that say I am ugly, stupid, and bad.

These voices make me toss and turn at night while they point their bony fingers in my face.

Johnnyboy

I wonder how many blogs are being started with that phrase this morning? Probably more than we can imagine. Well, so be it. I had so much in my head a few minutes ago, as I was making my coffee, and it all sounded so good, so witty, so pithy and relevant. Now most of it is gone. What is left is the knowledge that even though I have lived in the USA for all of my life, I was not born in the USA. I am very happy about that. I was born in Ireland, while my parents were traveling about Europe. That lucky dual-citizenship gives me 2 passports, one US and one the coveted Republic of Ireland. I am also an EU citizen and am allowed to vote in EU elections, if I so choose. To be honest, I know very little about Irish politics, and not so much about European politics as a whole. If there is one thing I have learned it is that politicians are the same everywhere. The Europeans know this very well. Pols are a class all to themselves. They are understood to be ‘do-nothing’ types who, if it weren’t for running for some kind of office, would be hanging around the pub spouting their rhetoric. There is a kind of sympathy and compassion held for the poor soul who never figured out how to be happy with his life and ends up trying to run the lives of others. Of course this doesn’t apply to beloved leaders and revolutionaries like Havel and Yushchenko who arrived to steal away the country from the corruption of the Old Guard and return it to the people.

There is the opposite side of the fence as well. There have been, and always will be, charismatic snake-oil salesmen who will roll into town, charm the pants off of your wife, eat dinner in your home, and steal your money. The amazing thing is that, in the end, if you’re not careful, you’ll thank them and invite them back. These folks never work for the common good, and always end their careers amidst scandal, shame, and death. Do I need to list some names?
How about Eva and Juan Peron, Slobodan Milosovic, Pol Pot, ad nauseum. Failed actors, mediocre colonels, tinhat politicians, and sons and daughters of the idle rich all make excellent despots. I think it has something to do with knowing how to throw a good cocktail party. It’s all window dressing and no substance. Kind of like those people who festoon their cars and homes with American flags, lest anyone think otherwise of them. What are they compensating for?
One flag is enough, for god’s sake. Something so garish and gaudy shouldn’t be flaunted so highly nor should it be wrapped to tightly around the person who decides to wave it.

The point is that I have put out my flag this morning, not because I support the current government of the United States of America, but precisely because I do not. It is our right, our priveledge, and our duty as citizens of this country to protest. We fly this flag not to remember the days gone by, or to honor the dead, but to thumb our collective noses at the despots around the world and at home and to remind them who is really in charge:

We the people…

Johnnyboy