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I had two very violent and disturbing nightmares last night. Both of them were ‘using’ dreams and both felt very real. I woke up relieved that the experience was a dream, but also very shaken. These are the latest in a series of dream scenarios I have had involving either drinking or drugging and are beginning to rock my foundation somewhat.

The first was a heroin dream, which is odd because I have never used heroin. In the dreamscape, I was with two Japanese (or at least Asian) men, about my age. They were torturing cartoon mice in small Spanish Inquisition-like devices, and then injecting them with heroin to test the purity of the drug. There was screaming, pleading, and blood, but I couldn’t look away. It seemed as if I was being forced to watch the proceedings as a form of torture itself. The scenario shifted and there were more mice, more drugs, more pain, and death. The mouse bodies were thrown away like old sacks of limp rubbish.

The second dream was a drunk dream and involved the restaurant world, a place all too familiar to me. I had become a ‘captain’, which is essentially the head waiter and maitre d’ of a local cozy and nice restaurant. All my friends were there, so to speak. There was the usual hustle and bustle of a busy Saturday night and afterwards, during the cleaning up, I grabbed a bottle of beer and a glass and had myself a long drink, about 8 oz. worth. I knew immediately what I had done and felt horrible, as if I had let everyone down. I shuffled back into the restaurant, knowing that I would have to start all over again and hanging my head in shame.

All of this has spurred the idea that I am still, within my family, living with a legacy of distrust, a belief that I am dishonest, prejudice, and fear. It has taken a lot of hard work to arrive where I am today, and any hopes I have pinned on the future rest on my ability to stay sober and do the next right thing. All of my strength is centered on a pivot of balance and direction, like a compass card swiveling inside the glass, shifting back and forth, but always pointing towards some hopeful and greater destination.

Johnnyboy

I’ll make this posting somewhat orderly, because I need to read some American History, as well as some other work today. If I can give myself 4-5 hours of reading I’ll be in good shape for tomorrow, when I can do the same. On Saturday I’ll go through the reading again and take notes on what I’ve highlighted and emphasised, and rest on Sunday. That’s the plan, anyway.

I woke up early this morning so I could take my car over to the garage for a servicing. the usual oil, fluids, etc…When I came downstairs at 7AM, my mother was up, and had been since 4. When she saw me she yawned and mentioned how sleepy she was. I would be too, I said if I had been awake since 4. So she followed me over to the garage and drove me home. I have about an hour before the vehicle is ready.

It has occurred to me recently how old and fragile my mother is becoming. She is almost child-like in some ways. This is manifested in her truculence, stubbornness, and inability to ask for help. When she becomes tired she refuses to nap, or even admit that she is tired. The smallest of tasks wears her out. She also becomes very cranky. This is distressing to me, particularly because there is nothing that I can do about it. She refuses any alternative therapies (exercise, vitamins, napping, etc…) and continues on her plow-ahead-mentality fueled by memory loss, denial, and scotch.

On that note, I had a ‘drug dream’ last night, which are rarer than ‘drunk dreams’ for me. Suffice it to say that I used some ecstasy with some “friends” and had a thoroughly miserable time. There was so much crappy self-esteem issues revolving around the using that I woke up feeling really shitty and prickly about myself and the world around me. The upshot is that my patience level needs to be accentuated to deal with those around me, especially the elderly. This means more hugs than usual and perhaps even forced lightheartedness–anything to avoid a sharp tongue.

The chocolate milk? That was part of the dream. It’s too bizarrely stupid to explain. Make up your own scenario…

Johnnyboy