Thanksgiving is over and the guests have left. Actually they left on Saturday, but Monday is close enough. It was bittersweet, with my mother’s health a looming concern, family dysfunction and, for me, a realization that I need not be intimidated by one of my family members any more. I have always been cowed by her noise, drama, and control. That has now ended. She revealed her true colors and there was nothing about them that caused anxiety, only sadness. Loneliness and regret are horrible emotions to drag around. I know, having dragged around my own sack of sadness for many years. My program of recovery has taught me to be a different person though. For that I am grateful. I am not better than her, or anyone else. That arrogance has been left behind as well. I have changed in the past few years, and I resemble little the person who walked through the doors of AA. I was shaking then, emotionally dead, unable to stand up and be counted, filled with fear and shame. No more. I hope and pray that she finds these things, this sense of calm and serenity, someday. I have left jealousy, resentment and anger behind in these matters.
School is moving along, but I fear I am behind in my work. The Digital Art and Design course has lost its shine; my history course needs only a small kick-start to finish up the tasks at hand. Next semester I begin work on my senior thesis, which is yet undecided. Probably something to do with the Balkans. I am also hoping to take some photography courses at a local community college so I can get some darkroom time. It has been many years since I have done this work (about 30!) so I need to re-learn all these things. I hope that the rest of my stay at ESC revolves around these kinds of courses. Frankly I need a a break from the history lessons. It feels like it is time to move along academically.
Here at the house I pay the bills (or make sure they are paid); I manage the upkeep, including repairs; I prepare the place for the future so the house stays well kept and solid; I act as liaison between my mother’s estate and her business advisers; I make sure that my siblings are kept in the loop regarding her health.
I am rebuilding my life from the smoldering ashes of the past. I will receive my B.A. just in time for Christmas 2009; I will apply to schools again for their MFA programs in photography. I will do these things as insurance against the storms that rock any boat at sea. I will set my compass on the distant horizon and sail into the next adventure, using maps I have been given and tools that keep me on course. In this fashion I have no fear, either from man or the world. The waves may rise, the wind may howl and doldrums may still the waters, but I will stay afloat, not due to any particular skill, but because I have the desire to do so and the ability to work for a life worth living–and I will not be alone in my journey. Myriad seers, friends, and mentors will be there to help me, but I have to ask for help.
These are some of the things I do. These are my tasks. This is my role here. I am useful and serve a larger purpose.
Johnnyboy
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