The Journey's the Thing…

My relief is due to a favorable prognosis from my doctor. He is 80% sure that the mole on my back is benign, and even if it is some sort of malignancy, it is so small that it would be sure to be cleared up with a little snip and a shave. All good.

Now the anger…I am angry at myself. My mother just came home from excersize, which is great. As she got out of the car, she opened the back hatch. I thought that she had gone to the grocery store and needed help with the bags, so I called from the porch with that question. “You bet!” was her reply. So I walked down the lawn and then noticed that she had a gallon of JohnnyWalker in her hand. I immediately knew that what she had bought was her case of scotch. I should have turned on my heels right then and said, “No, you can carry those bottles yourself.” Instead, I walked down to the car, gathered the remaining 5 gallon jugs in their box and walked up to the house. I set them rather unceremoniously on the table and quickly changed the subject.

It’s not like I’m going to drink, but I feel as if I have been duped or something. By doing what I did, I did not help her with anything. Instead I enabled her drinking and removed yet more responsibility from her. At least that’s what it feels like.

I called my sponsor and told his voicemail, and now I’m telling anyone who reads this. I should make some other calls as well.

Thanks for listening…

Johnnyboy

I have neglected this part of my life recently but due to a heads up from an AA friend in the UK (Cherrio Denise!), I have decided to update this dusty old blog. So much has been going on that I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll deal with school and AA first, because they seem to have become intertwined.

During my most recent 9th Step endeavors, I realised that there was nothing to be afraid of when it came to my life. True, some things may give me butterflies, or I may not want to follow through with the process, but I know that the fear is only smoke and mirrors (like US politics) and that walking through is only a matter of one foot in front of the other. This in mind, I have decided that a goal I can acheive is, once my B.A. is complete, to work towards my M.S.W. (Masters of Social Work) and go into the rehab field. To paraphrase a middle-eastern carpenter of yore “There will always be drunks and addicts”. So, that is a good goal. Next came the stunning realization that one of my classes, American Sign Language, which I am taking purely for the foreign language credit, is fascinating and quite fun, in a hard-work-is-rewarding kind of way. Finally the obviousness of the situation hit me–How cool would it be to have an M.S.W. and fluency in ASL? That sounds like a great combination. So I have added that onto the goal strategy. My therapist told me that I can pretty much write my own ticket with that mix.

My own physical health is a worry these days, however. Last week I discovered that one of the moles on my back (I have several, which have ben there since I was a child) had changed. It hadn’t spread, which is good. It had, disturbingly, “puffed up” slightly, and developed a crusty, wart-like, texture on the top, causing me to immediately panic. I checked some websites, which I will now stay away from, and none described my particular situation but the crusty, wartish thing did warrant a ‘go to the doctor ASAP’ warning from the Mayo clinic site and others. So that’s what I’ll do. I have an appointment on Wednesday, and so far, my sober sister in Boston has told me about her mole adventure a few years ago, and how, as middle-aged folks, we need to watch those kind of blemishes. I’ll pretend I’m reading the Hitchhiker’s Guide, and not panic! I’m not dying, and I am most likely not sick, but if that’s what HP has in store from me, I’ll deal with that when it comes.

I have started playing music again, and recently played an open-mike at a nearby coffeehouse. The small crowd was enthused to hear a few songs from me and liked my work a great deal. I don’t play covers (other people’s tunes) so I am always concerned with what folks think, but AA has taught me not to worry so much about the audience, so to speak. Today I play for myself, not to please a group of people. I heard once that to play in order to make the crowd happy is an ego-tripping, downward spiral. I agree. I’ll play another open-mike in November, after I come home from the Spainish AA Convention, have written some new songs, and have put the cancer scare behind me.

It’s a grey and drizzly day outside, but the temperature is starngely warm, around 70* F. I can hear some person down the road shooting his shotgun, sighting up for deer season, just around the corner. Pretty soon the woods will become a shooting gallery for the deer and turkeys. Another fall has arrived.

Johnnyboy