The Journey's the Thing…

Not much going on these days in Somewheresville. I am struggling, however, with alot of weird stuff around family members and 9th Step work (see the previous post). I am getting through both of them the way I am supposed to, with patience and tolerance. I heard a good Al-Anon thing the other day…

“Your inability to cope with life is not a reason for me to panic.”

I love that, and it is so true. How many times have I rushed to the aid of someone who I thought needed or wanted my help, only to find that, really, it was none of my business? I think I have learned to respect the right of someone to be wrong, make mistakes, and figure it out. If they want help, they will ask and I’ll help in any way that I can, but otherwise, they’re on their own. It’s even up to them to figure out, for themselves, that they need to ask for help. I know for myself, it’s usually when the walls are crumbling around me that I reach out, but that’s alright, at least I reach out. I cannot, nor will I, save the world. I am not responsible for tying up other peoples loose ends, nor am I willing to be a go-between amongst battling forces. I’ll watch from the sidelines, thank you very much.

The Buddhists consider someone who runs around solving the world’s problems, worrying about other people’s affairs and, in the process, neglecting themselves, as “lazy”. These people are Human Doings, not Human Beings. Today I try to find some time for myself, to get away from everyone and everything, for silent meditation, for a quiet walk in the woods alone, or even here, at the keyboard. I’ve done for others today, now it’s my turn. If I am not inwardly healthy, then I can help no one. Filling my life up with constant tasks and errands is a great way to avoid confronting myself. By the end of the day I am exhausted, with no time for reflection, but I can still feed my ego by patting myself on the back for saving the friggin’ world.

No thanks. I’ll put my air mask on first, and then I’ll help the person beside me.

Now, one of my favorite subjects…”Where are they now?”

Subject: Helen Reddy

I always wondered, where the heck did she go? I assumed she became involved in some religious cult, or real estate, or both, but the truth, dear readers is far more bizarre…

This morning’s New York Times Book Review has a short review of the new memoir about her called “The Woman I Am”, by Herself. There is a short bio-synopsis (three husbands #1-alcoholic, #2 “substance abuser”, business manager, who tried to take her child, but took her money instead, and #3 who doesn’t come into the story much). There is a pattern that I see here of co-dependence, denial, and victim-volunteerism. But it ended when she had a spiritual breakthrough. She became metaphysically focused on reincarnation and past-life regression, using it to trace family trees and such. Her theory involves “group karma”, wherein “several people–often family members …reincarnating together to resolve unfinished business…”( Sarah Ferrell NYT, 7/2/2006) She uses this theory on the English Royal Family, saying that Wallis Simpson (Edward VIII’s American wife) was the reincarnation of Richard III, coming back to atone for the deaths of the young princes in the Tower during the War of the Roses. In the same chapter she states that Elvis was King Tut. Reddy has found her niche, though, because now she has become a licensed clinical hypno-therapist, and one hopes, has found happiness at last.

Isn’t that just the strangest story you have heard? I mean, really…”I am Woman, you are getting very sleepy…”

Johnnyboy

I have just returned from an Al-Anon for Alcoholics meeting in a nearby town. It’s what is called a “double winner” meeting, meaning that it’s both programs rolled into one, and it can be pretty brutal for me. The sharing that goes on heads right for the jugular and there are no rehabbers around to distract the message. A woman qualified and her story was very similar to mine: because of how I was raised, and exposed to unsafe and unhealthy situations along the way, I sought out people throughout my life that would be able to duplicate many of those experiences. Regardless of the depth of the relationship (friend, lover, employer, etc…) I always volunteered to be the victim, knowing that this position would insure attention, and what I told myself was love. This pattern continued throughout adulthood, culminating in a scenario of violence and dark sexuality wherein I allowed myself to be emotionally sucked dry. For some reason I realized that it wasn’t right for me, that I wasn’t receiving the kind of attention I wanted (pain, punishment, and a justification of my inner shame) and so I split from that scene. Two years later AA found me and gave me the gift of sobriety.

My sponsor is having me work on some very difficult and frightening 9th Step work around some of these issues and I think it’s beginning to freak me out. I’m not doing this work alone, thank the gods. My therapist is helping me with most of it, but the eventual amends will be on my plate. No, I am not going back into that dark fold and confronting those who would hurt me again, but I am trying to understand the depth of the emotional scars I have worn for many years, and over which I acted out sexually, drank myself into oblivion, hurt others and denied any true intimacy or trust with my fellows.

So I think I’m at a point in my sober journey where feelings are coming back. I’m really not sure what to do with them all the time except, of course, ignore them, but that is the old way of life. Right now it’s hard enough to just feel them. I’ll know what to do with them when I am ready to know. All I want to do right now is hide in my office and not deal. Luckily it’s almost time for bed, so I can wait another few hours, hit the sack, dream what I dream, and tomorrow see my sponsor and talk to him about these new growth spurts.

I remember when I was a little boy and I’d have these horrible cramps in my legs during the night. My mother would come in with a hot-water-bottle and lay it across the top of my shins. The growing pains would magically vanish and I would fall back into the slumbers of a childhood, rapidly edging away towards adolescence and adulthood. Would that I had that panacea now…

Johnnyboy