The Journey's the Thing…

I went to sleep last night thinking that I need an AlAnon meeting. I woke up with the same thought, so I’m going to one tonight. This is the story:

1. I have a sponsee in AA who is less than honest with me, and I am growing tired of schlepping him around. I need to detach from his disease. If he wants the program, he needs to ask for help, and not be urged into doing so.

2. My mother’s memory is very fragile. She is 82, wakes up at 4am everyday, has 2 or 3 double scotches between 4:30pm and 6:30pm, and fights like a child to stay awake as long as possible. She is terrified of seeing a neurologist, not for fear of being told the worst (Alzheimers, which she doesn’t have), but that the doc will tell her to stop drinking. After 60 years of habitual cocktail hour, this is a tough habit. I need to detach from this disease as well.

There is good news, however…

I have finished my second of three papers and will mail it tomorrow. One more to write and then I’m off on vacay. My AA friends in Greece are waiting me with open arms, and I can’t wait.

I have also finished watching the first season of ’24’ on DVD. I thought the multiple story arc was very well done and the characters seemed well fleshed out. I am happy that the conniving, power mad wife of the Senator was cut off at the end…can you say Eva Peron in the making? The big problem I had, though, was with the kids of the main characters, Bauer and Palmer.

Stupid children acting stupidly…drove me nuts. Honestly, how could smart guys like Jack Bauer and Senator Palmer end up with such idiots for children? If Kimberly Bauer’s brains were dynamite, she couldn’t blow her nose. The mother isn’t much better…and it killed her,.. I think. I have to start in on season 2 tonight.

So my agenda for the next week is:

1. Go to AlAnon at least twice and learn to detatch with love.
2. Write a 12 page paper on the epistemological differences between Kant and Hegel.
3. Watch season 2 of ’24’
4. Watch season 4 of ‘Six Feet Under’
5. Pack my bags.
6. Leave.

Johnnyboy

With the upsetting news of a friend’s riding accident, leaving her in a coma, comes the realization of how precious and special life truly is. She is not dead and I pray to the powers that be to heal her and her family in this dark time. It is strange how spring is blooming outside and yet violent change is all around me. I am trying to be present in this moment and to savor all of the colors, smells, and sounds that I can, never knowing when the lights will be turned out and I, too, may be engulfed in darkness. As one of my favorite games says, “The end is never written”, and perhaps that is the secret to life: that the end is never really the end, but rather a beginning into a new phase of life. Because of a simple twist of fate we tumble down the rabbit-hole into a new realm of consciousness, in this case one of selfawareness, and view how needed we all truly are. We are all necessary in the great scheme of things and we all play our part, even if it only to pray for strength.

I feel cold, and ineffectual. I want to turn the clock back and set things right, but who’s to say if this isn’t the only “right” that there is? As my sponsor says, “Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” Perhaps he is correct, but that is cold comfort to the family left in limbo, not knowing the direction to turn. This is why at these times we turn towrds the only direction we know. We turn towards God, or Allah, or our Higher Power, and ask for help.

Last year in Croatia I was a witness to a horrible and fatal car accident. I was on a bus with many other travellers, and one man about my age told us all to pray. When I asked him why or whom he prayed for he answered, “I pray for those left behind, and for myself, that I might find peace in my own heart at the confusion and chaos all around me.”

So I ask for this help today, as I do everyday, for each day is new, and unique, although I may not be. I ask to be relieved of the confusion and chaos in my heart and to be able to live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. I know that Kathleen would say the same. She is not one to lay down and give up, and I believe that she won’t do that now.

Johnnyboy