This past weekend opened my eyes to the realities that exist without a program of recovery. By ‘recovery’ I do not necessarily mean ‘recovery from alcohol, drugs, etc…’ but rather the recovery of a life spent holding grudges, resentments, jealousies, and angers. Much of my life was spent living that way, if you could call it living. I was breathing, sure; interacting in some fashion with other beings, true; but not really living.
I have been through a lot in the past 3 or 4 years: my first AA experience, jail, release, learning to live one-day-at-a-time, having friendly relations with other people, and so much more. These are honest ties that I am forging, and I hope that they last a long time. That’s up to me, for the most part. But through it all I have come to a very stunning conclusion:
I love myself.
I don’t mean this in an egocentric, narcissistic way, but in a deep and heartfelt self-esteem fashion that continues to grow. By looking at what I am doing now I can only come to this conclusion.
1. I am staying sober, and asking for help if I need help, and even when I know I can do it myself.
2. I am going to the gym to improve my physical health and appearence.
3. I am back in school and filling my head with knowledge, recording new tapes of a sober history and not replaying the old, damaging scenes.
4. I am helping out others when I can without any thought of recompense.
5. I am learning to not judge others.
6. I am gaining a self-confidence that combines ability with humility. This allows me to judge my own actions fairly and question my motives.
When I lived in fear, shame, anger, resentment, and… fear, I was unable to follow through with any of these tasks. These were dreams I would never realize, fantasies while sitting on the couch with the lights out and the phone turned off, becoming more and more numb to the world.
I am beautiful, smart, able, willing, honest, and open. This is true, and that’s OK.
“Don’t drink and go to meetings”, they said, “and it will get better.”
“Work the Steps with your sponsor”, they told me, “and you will know serenity.”
They told me, “Keep coming”, and I did.
“Give time, time.” And I have.
These are the “next right steps” that I have held onto, yes, like the drowning man siezes the life preserver. I have done all of these things, and far from perfectly, and I will never be finished.
I am flabbergasted at the results. It makes me want to cry, which is something I haven’t been able to do for a long, long, time. So, if you see me at a meeting and I share and I get all choked up over some little thing, it’s alright. I’m really just tickled pink to be there.
Johnnyboy