The Journey's the Thing…

I haven’t posted in a while, so please forgive me. It has been a great few days, full of writing, meetings, and more good grades from school. My ‘persuasive’ paper on Harriet Miers was a big success in class and the general consensus is that there isn’t a whole lot left to do before I hand it in 2 weeks from now. This is good news because I have my work cut out for me with another paper due next Tuesday.

There is a woman in my class, a girl really. She’s only 19, and she is overwhelmed by the work we have to do. Maybe her schedule is too tight, I don’t know, but tonight she became very angry and announced to the class that she shouldn’t be in the class to begin with, etc…

I can identify. I remember when I was 19 (barely). The world was pretty overwhelming to me then, so I can’t imagine that being that age has become any easier. Plus, I think she’s a mother, wife, and all that, so she has plenty of balls to juggle. Actually I think she became a little intimidated when we all read each others papers and critiqued them in class. I didn’t particularly like the process either. It was kind of embarrassing. To be honest her paper needs some work, but she can write, spell, and all that, so it’s just a matter of finding a voice. This is, of course, the hard part of writing: finding a voice and letting it sing out loud. She’ll end up making whatever decisions she has to make, but I think she’s stuck with this class seeing as we only have one more meeting to hand in our final work.

Boy, do I want to rest on my laurels and goof off…

I can’t really afford to do that, though. I have been neglecting my modeling, which is a very healthy and meditative activity for me. I’ll get back to that tomorrow afternoon for a couple of hours.

So I missed Haiku Tuesday…Never fear. I am King of this Blog so I can proclaim that today is “Haiku Tuesday on Wednesday Night!” Wow! What festivities! Balloons, garlands, confetti, and everybody gets an extra piece of cake! Hoopla!

Here you go…

#115.
From where I’m sitting
the raindrops are erupting
from the mud puddles.

#201.
High above the land,
echoing through the grey clouds,
geese are traveling.

#216.
If I were insane
I would never really know
unless they told me.

Johnnyboy

I must say that this past week was truly wonderful. It ranks as one of the best Thanksgivings that I have ever experienced. I owe a great deal of thanks to all those who were there and helped in the festivities.

My sister and BiL are great folks. They both have wonderful senses of humor and are so willing and able to either help out or just sit around and be humans. By this I mean that throughout the entire week no one had to try to be nice and fun. We just were. There were no strange schedules to work out or dietary needs to cater to. No one wore their “I am Special, pay attention to Me” hats, and why should they? We were all adults and had a wonderful adult time.

My mother, sister, and me worked out some family business dealings which had the potential to become incredibly complicated. When the day comes to address this situation between my 2 sisters and myself, I am praying that we can all act like adults and not disagree too much about the definition of fairness and equanimity. I think it will all work out as planned.

The food came out great as well. Although my turkey calculations were off by about 30 minutes, we were able to swing the side dishes together and we sat down to eat at 5:30PM which was perfect. By 8PM our dinner guest Heather had departed and we cleaned up almost the entire kitchen before we all went to bed.

The next day my sister and BiL left. There were a few tears, but they were tears of happiness. It’s so wonderful to have a sister that I can speak with honestly and as an adult who actually knows me. We have always been great friends and in the past 3 or 4 years have become even closer. Since this is an anonymous posting, no one will know who she is, so I can safely say that she has been in recovery for alcoholism for over 7 years and it really shows. There is an element of serenity and rationality in her life that I am achieving as well, but it takes work. It also takes the ability to remain accountable for our own actions and cease playing the role of victim.

By playing that role I was able to blame so many people, family members included, for my problems. I was able to point to events in my past and throw the blame on others. This got me nowhere in life. By holding on to those events and keeping them in my bag of tricks I was able to take them out at any time and mold them to suit my current needs. I alienated my family from my life. Memories are easily shaped to justify our anger and fear. Who knows what really happened after so many years?

If I was feeling unappreciated I could blame daddy for not loving me, or mommy for loving me too much, or the wrong way.

I could pretend that my daddy deserted me, when really he was trying to support his family by working at the only job he knew how to do. It was unfortunate that this took him away from me, but he has always loved me. He has always wanted me to be happy.

To fault him for being human is shameful. It is a curse which denies me his love and companionship. If I follow that line of thinking I must fault all humanity for its weaknesses. Blaming the world is a sign of insanity. Assuming responsibility for my life is the direction I must go.

I am doing this today.

I sometimes get the feeling that some people would rather have me drunk and insane. I was certainly predictable. I would believe anyone, agree with anything, and go along with any scheme or plan devised.

I am no longer a victim.

Johnnyboy