The Journey's the Thing…

After a few days of being without Miss Kitty, I feel as if I am truly grieving. It’s amazing how such a small friend can leave such a large empty emotional space when she’s gone. There are no tears, just this forlorn and helpless ache. I cannot get the picture of her body out of my head. It was lying in an otherwise ordinary and peaceful pasture. There were flies buzzing. She wouldn’t get up when I called to her. The whole atmosphere seemed surreal and fake, as in ‘This is not happening right now’. I think I switched on the automatic pilot in order to perform the necessary task of burying her. Now I am sitting in my office writing about her and all I can think of is that she should be wandering in, meowing softly, and sliding past my ankles. She would want some attention, a scratch behind the ears, perhaps, or a game of ‘catch the shadow’ on the rug. Not tonight, pumpkin. I am so sad.

I have encountered death only a couple of other times so far. The first was when my Uncle John died in 1984. I was stunned, but I had been using already and so my emotions were kind of numb. I guess I still have not confronted that grief. My grandmother died a few years ago, but she had been bed-ridden and infant-like for a couple of years before she died, so in a way, for me, her spirit had departed long before her body. In both of these cases our family had prepared for these finalities months in advance. We all knew that Uncle John was dying, and my grandmother as well. Maybe it is the suddenness of Miss Kittys end that I do not want to accept. She was so vibrant, so alive, and so present in all ways. To have her suddenly snuffed out like a candle is a terrible shock and, as I said earlier, leaves a large empty space where she used to be.

My mother agreed that next week we can visit the ASPCA and rescue another cat. It would be great if there was a room at the shelter where we could go and ‘test drive’ our new houseguest. You know, try out the standard features of ear scratching, rolling on their backs, purring, lap-sitting, etc…oh yes, I forgot…We’ll have to bring a newspaper and pretend to read and see if the kitty wants to stay current with world events as well. *G*

Johnnyboy

I woke up this morning at 10:30. That’s pretty late, but seeing as it was Sunday and all, I thought, well, you know…

I read the paper, had some coffee and set down to work.

The BBQ yesterday was fun, and more of a celebration than a whoop-dee-doo kind of thing. There was a band, which was pretty good, but they were having fun, as were the onlookers, and that’s what counts. Not much dancing, unfortunately. Seeing the band play inspired me to finally buy a new amplifier for my electric guitar and get back to writing music. This is a pursuit that has given me great satisfaction over the years. I have been in a few bands, but not in sobriety. I have only written 1 song since I got sober, but it’s a good one and I put the work in to make it happen. I had also promised a friend that I’d set one of his lyrics to music, which I had been procrastinating.

After I re-strung one guitar and tuned it up, I sat down with the lyrics and in less than an hour had hammered out the tune. I like it and it has a really good melodic hook.

My new amp should arrive in about a week. Then I’ll set out to try to find some folks to play with. The thing is that the bassplayer in last nights band asked me to try out for their outfit a few months ago. On the night of the audition I was very sick and I couldn’t make it. In a way I’m glad. My musical direction is not about playing covers. I really only like to play my own tunes or at least original tunes by my bandmates. All the great cover tunes I can think of, the ones that I’d like to play, are perfect already. To try to rearrange them seems like a futile effort. It’s much easier to write and play original material. If I had joined that band I would have been as dictatorial as always, and eventually they wouldn’t be having fun anymore. My music is about precision, timing, and focus. I don’t jam around endlessly. My songs have beginnings and endings, bridges, choruses, verses, etc…and they all have a specific time and place. Otherwise there is no structure, no direction. I need to find musicians who can respect that and who are able to see how that kind of discipline is actually very freeing. You either play the song, or not.

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll sharpen up another number I’ve been working on. I also found some pre-sobriety tapes of my playing in some bands from a few years ago. One note to remember is that I never played drunk. I couldn’t do it. I became too sloppy. I’d open a beer and take a swig, put it down, and come back to it an hour later. My disease affected my music in other ways. It became very dark, foreboding, and strange. I’ll see what I can salvage. Maybe in time I’ll put out a CD or something.

Johnnyboy