A confusing journey and home for more changes…

Johnnyboy

Last week my mother went to her childhood home to visit relatives.  We all knew that this would be a difficult journey for her, but it is clear that it was far more than that.  The trip down was uneventful and fun, but when she arrived she began showing signs of stress, exhaustion, and disorientation–all in the extreme.  She returned last Thursday and she was wiped out from the minute she arrived.  As a result she stayed in bed about 21 hours a day only coming out to eat.  While eating she couldn’t keep her eyes open.  On Monday, when things became worse (garbled speech, confusion, delirium, hallucinations) I took her to the hospital.

We thought the worst–a stroke, but were relieved to find nothing wrong with the CT scan.  We also thought she was dehydrated, but that was very mild and not enough to cause her symptoms.  When her O2 saturation was checked she was at 82, far lower than she should.   This was due to the progression of her CHF.  With the addition of oxygen, the numbers went up and she responded well n went back up to 95.  She came home yesterday.

The respiration people showed up right behind with a compressor for her room and several O2 tanks.  This is how it will be now.  We have turned a large corner and her life, although better, will never be the same.  It is as if we have crossed a threshold which leads to a quick decline and death.  How long that will be is up to her HP, but it will probably not be long.  I think maybe two years or so, probably less.  She is still very confused about what has happened and where she is.  There have been too many routine shifts for her to grasp and it will take a while for her to get back into any semblance of  recognition of surroundings and people.  She knows who she trusts, loves, and wants near, but for now we all have to adopt new routines.

My feelings of sadness and grief are hard to measure.  There is still a little boy inside me that wants her to wake up and be my mama again.  This, I know, will never happen.  The adult Johnnyboy has made sure that she is as comfortable and loved as she can be.  That is all I can do.  

I grab hold of the program with all my strength and remember my own powerlessness.  I turn this situation over to my HP on a minute-by-minute basis.  It gets me through these times.  As many people as I know who have traveled this road–they can only console me and let me know that they are there if I need them.  This perhaps the most private moment I have ever felt.  I know that I am not alone, but it sometimes feels so lonely.  Helpless…That’s how I feel.  There is nothing I can do about this anymore.

Johnnyboy

Mom’s traveling, film development and The Beatles…

Johnnyboy

My mother and sister left yesterday morning for a short trip to West Virginia, to visit with relatives and, in many ways, to say some final goodbyes to them as well.  This is probably the last trip like this she will be able to make and still retain a great deal of the experience.  In her words, “Yes, I am excited to go, but it will be also very sad, because so many of us are dead.”  From the mouth of a pragmatic woman comes the truth.  So far news of the trip is very good to excellent.  They are both having a fun time driving and talking…My sister is doing all the driving, btw.  They have done this in two legs–the first to Harrisburg, PA and the second today to mom’s hometown.  I am staying home and allowing the girls to have a week by themselves.

My B/W darkroom course is great.  I have only spent a few hours so far learning the chemistry (dirt simple!) and while the house is all mine I will use this time at night to develop all the rolls of film I shot over in Europe.  That way I can just bring them over to the darkroom across the river and print some stuff this week.  I am also using a friend’s Mamiya medium format, so I’ll be looking at those negs as well.  I found a great store across the river that still sells all the chemistry, so I don’t have to order it all from the Big City.  Plus, on-line stores will not ship Stop Solution, so I have to buy that first hand.  I have all the gear I need to do it, so I’ll be up late nights with test-tube…Oh, oh, oh, oh…

Speaking of the Beatles…In high school there was a personality test one could take to determine one’s spiritual and artistic development.  The question was, “Which Beatle do you identify with?”  The answer would give you a rough estimate.  I was told that the answer “John Lennon” was the best because he was the real artist who didn’t  become commercial or compromise his artistic talent–the anti-thesis of Paul  McCartney who just sang goofy love songs and made a lot of money.  Ringo and George were below both of them–simple, fun-loving Ringo on the bottom rung, with the shy and introspective George above.  Now, however, I am not so sure.  John Lennon was a deeply troubled, angry, resentful and complex person who never really, I feel, achieved substantial inner peace and happiness.  Paul, on the other hand, loved his wife, his children, didn’t take himself or his music too seriously, and has spent millions of dollars trying to make the world a better place–and he’s still happy and having fun.  John clutched at life and Paul just seemed to have let go…

Who would rather be or want to identify with?

Johnnyboy