Month: December 2005

I figured I’d post a little nonsense and maybe kill some time today. That’s not true, actually.

I’ve reworked my final assignment for my College Writing class so that’s done. I’ve printed out my essay on Harriet Miers, with the suggested improvements made by the class and the teacher.

I’ve researched AA meetings in Boulder, Colorado. I used to live there, about 16 years ago, and was thinking of flying out there this winter for a few days. You know, old stomping grounds and all that. There are 50 meetings in Boulder alone, 7 days a week. Lots of sobriety out there. I wonder if any of my old drinking buddies are in the rooms? I hope so, for their sake and the sake of others.

I took care of some AA business for a group that I belong to in A Nearby Town. I’m the literature guy, so I had to write a check or two.

It’s beautiful outside. White and cold, with no wind. My cat is going insane, I think. She wants to play her games of hide-and-seek-and-attack-without-warning. These can get bloody (for me!) if I’m not quick. I think the weather is making her crazy. She missed a lot of the snow last year. She’s still a kitten, after all. Her birthday is in late March, we think.

I’m off to an Al-Anon/AA Christmas party this afternoon with my sponsee, Robin. For those of you who don’t know, Al-Anon is for the family and friends of those in AA. Usually the actions and lives of drunks have caused havoc and misery or just confusion for the normal folks around them. But it’s good for AA’s to go to Al-Anon as well, if only because they deal with drunks all the time.

I think that my whole family could use a little program. Two of the children (a sister and myself) are in recovery and our actions have caused all kinds of ups and downs within the group over the years. Of course no one will ever take hold of any program just because they need it. They must want to change in order to grasp the concept and program of action. The two of us are changing, and I’m not always sure the rest of the clan likes it. We don’t play the old games anymore.

My mother is going to Maine for Christmas. This will be great for her and give me some time to myself. I’m going to a friends house on Christmas Eve for dinner which will be fun. I’m making baklava for dessert. The rest of the time I’m going to chill out, read some philosophy (Hobbes) , make a model or two, and keep my regular meeting schedule.

Well, that’s all for now. I guess, for a snowy Sunday in December, I’m pretty busy…

Happy Birthday JoJo!

Johnnyboy

…And my life is continuing to grow and flourish. Although it does seem like 2 steps forward and one step back, I am making headway.

I handed in my philosophy paper yesterday and await news of its quality, etc…All those who have read it say it’s fine, great, readable, clear, concise, and so on. But they aren’t grading the thing, so my feeling is that the professor is going to inform me that it is well written, long enough, but that I have it all wrong. Yes, I live in The Fear sometimes. My last paper received a ‘B’. I must admit that I think that this paper is better. Still, it gnaws at my bones…

My PTSD has been in full swing these past days with a large amount of hyper-vigilance and he accompanying sleeplessness and tight neck and shoulders. For those of you not in the loop, I spent some time in jail a while back (19 months, released on Sept 3, 2004) and so I suffer from PTSD from that experience as well as myriad others in my life. The worst is the hyper-vigilance. This is when I am always on point, if you will, always on guard. HV is a common symptom of PTSD and is seen in combat vets as well. The idea is that you never know when you have to spring into defensive or offensive action so the best way to be prepared is to always be prepared. Unfortunately it leaves the realm of choice after a while and enters into the world of unconscious action and paranoia (in different degrees).

So I go to bed at midnight, toss around for an hour, fall asleep at 1am, wake up at 2:15am, go back to sleep (if I’m lucky), wake up again around 3:30 or so, etc…What wakes me up is not clear, but I imagine I see a light flashing in my eyes or someone driving up the driveway. The flashing light is explainable: In jail, I became very used to the guard, on his nightly, hourly, rounds, walking past my cell and flashing a flashlight in my face to make sure I was still there. Old habits die hard, I suppose. The car noises, I don’t know, except that the feeling of “they’re coming to get me” can be pretty strong sometimes.

The other night I was convinced of this. So at 3:15 I got out of bed, threw on a shirt over my skivvies, and went downstairs to see who was here. I knew there was no one driving around, yet, and this is the weird thing….

….I didn’t turn on any lights because I wanted to catch them in the act! I made that decision consciously as I was going down the stairs. My thoughts were that the lights would alert them to my presence and then they’d run away.

Kinda nutz. Like I said, 2 steps forward, one step back…hmmm…

Here are the haiku, and on time…

#123.
Filtered through the dim light,
sketched grey chalk and blackbird wings,
a cloudy poem.

#172.
I should be reading
an anthropology text,
not thinking of you.

#171.
Pale grey gleaming light
on this overcast Tuesday
brightens the trees.

Johnnyboy