…And my life is continuing to grow and flourish. Although it does seem like 2 steps forward and one step back, I am making headway.
I handed in my philosophy paper yesterday and await news of its quality, etc…All those who have read it say it’s fine, great, readable, clear, concise, and so on. But they aren’t grading the thing, so my feeling is that the professor is going to inform me that it is well written, long enough, but that I have it all wrong. Yes, I live in The Fear sometimes. My last paper received a ‘B’. I must admit that I think that this paper is better. Still, it gnaws at my bones…
My PTSD has been in full swing these past days with a large amount of hyper-vigilance and he accompanying sleeplessness and tight neck and shoulders. For those of you not in the loop, I spent some time in jail a while back (19 months, released on Sept 3, 2004) and so I suffer from PTSD from that experience as well as myriad others in my life. The worst is the hyper-vigilance. This is when I am always on point, if you will, always on guard. HV is a common symptom of PTSD and is seen in combat vets as well. The idea is that you never know when you have to spring into defensive or offensive action so the best way to be prepared is to always be prepared. Unfortunately it leaves the realm of choice after a while and enters into the world of unconscious action and paranoia (in different degrees).
So I go to bed at midnight, toss around for an hour, fall asleep at 1am, wake up at 2:15am, go back to sleep (if I’m lucky), wake up again around 3:30 or so, etc…What wakes me up is not clear, but I imagine I see a light flashing in my eyes or someone driving up the driveway. The flashing light is explainable: In jail, I became very used to the guard, on his nightly, hourly, rounds, walking past my cell and flashing a flashlight in my face to make sure I was still there. Old habits die hard, I suppose. The car noises, I don’t know, except that the feeling of “they’re coming to get me” can be pretty strong sometimes.
The other night I was convinced of this. So at 3:15 I got out of bed, threw on a shirt over my skivvies, and went downstairs to see who was here. I knew there was no one driving around, yet, and this is the weird thing….
….I didn’t turn on any lights because I wanted to catch them in the act! I made that decision consciously as I was going down the stairs. My thoughts were that the lights would alert them to my presence and then they’d run away.
Kinda nutz. Like I said, 2 steps forward, one step back…hmmm…
Here are the haiku, and on time…
#123.
Filtered through the dim light,
sketched grey chalk and blackbird wings,
a cloudy poem.
#172.
I should be reading
an anthropology text,
not thinking of you.
#171.
Pale grey gleaming light
on this overcast Tuesday
brightens the trees.
Johnnyboy
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