Category: Uncategorized

I was able to start my 3rd paper this morning. The subject is cultural change as represented in Kawabata’s “Thousand Cranes” and Walker’s “The Color Purple”. I think I have a good groove going and was able to write 4 pages when I realized I was running out of gas. So I stopped writing and went to the gym. That’s what happens. There is no point to keep on typing away at something if nothing is coming out. Tomorrow I’ll do the same thing and then I’ll have 8 pages, and so on. By Sunday I’ll have 16 pages and I’ll be finished. I’ve been editing along the way, so it shouldn’t take much to tighten it up and make it shiny enough to hand in on Monday. 3 weeks, 3 papers.

Then I start the process all over again for the months of March and April: 3 classes, 3 papers.

Before I start writing I try to practice some Step 3 and turn the whole kit and kaboodle over to HP to write, and then I begin. 2 1/2 hours later I’m spent. It seems to be working so far.

After that I came home and surfed around for a spell and then picked up my sponsee and went to a great meeting at my homegroup. Aravis celebrated 9, Rob 10, and Larry S. 33. Fantastic energy and so many people! I mean, probably close to 75 sober drunks and some non-alcoholic family members were there. pretty amazing and quite a high. It was one of those moments when I looked around and thought “All these people are staying sober, one day at a time, just like me. It’s working.”

After that I went home and watched part of “Some Like It Hot” the great Billy Wilder film with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon. I became bored, though and moved over to my hobby table and started work on another model. This will be a Sopwith Camel, in a post-WW1 scheme being flopwn by the Poles during the Polish-Russian War of 1919-1921. There is nothing more rel;axing than painting a piece of plastic the 1/4 the size of a toothpick to resemble varnished maple. Very picky hobby, this one. Everything must be historically accurate or else it just doesn’t work.

I watched “Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit” last night and laughed my ass off. What good medicine that was! So much that I watch just isn’t funny. Wry, clever, amusing, maybe, but not funny. So far the biggest laughs I’ve had were from that film and “Chicken Run”. Maybe humans don’t make me laugh anymore. They can be sooooo serious!

And I am becoming sooooo serious that I think it’s time for bed.

Goodnight!

Johnnyboy

This past weekend opened my eyes to the realities that exist without a program of recovery. By ‘recovery’ I do not necessarily mean ‘recovery from alcohol, drugs, etc…’ but rather the recovery of a life spent holding grudges, resentments, jealousies, and angers. Much of my life was spent living that way, if you could call it living. I was breathing, sure; interacting in some fashion with other beings, true; but not really living.

I have been through a lot in the past 3 or 4 years: my first AA experience, jail, release, learning to live one-day-at-a-time, having friendly relations with other people, and so much more. These are honest ties that I am forging, and I hope that they last a long time. That’s up to me, for the most part. But through it all I have come to a very stunning conclusion:

I love myself.

I don’t mean this in an egocentric, narcissistic way, but in a deep and heartfelt self-esteem fashion that continues to grow. By looking at what I am doing now I can only come to this conclusion.

1. I am staying sober, and asking for help if I need help, and even when I know I can do it myself.
2. I am going to the gym to improve my physical health and appearence.
3. I am back in school and filling my head with knowledge, recording new tapes of a sober history and not replaying the old, damaging scenes.
4. I am helping out others when I can without any thought of recompense.
5. I am learning to not judge others.
6. I am gaining a self-confidence that combines ability with humility. This allows me to judge my own actions fairly and question my motives.

When I lived in fear, shame, anger, resentment, and… fear, I was unable to follow through with any of these tasks. These were dreams I would never realize, fantasies while sitting on the couch with the lights out and the phone turned off, becoming more and more numb to the world.

I am beautiful, smart, able, willing, honest, and open. This is true, and that’s OK.

“Don’t drink and go to meetings”, they said, “and it will get better.”

“Work the Steps with your sponsor”, they told me, “and you will know serenity.”

They told me, “Keep coming”, and I did.

“Give time, time.” And I have.

These are the “next right steps” that I have held onto, yes, like the drowning man siezes the life preserver. I have done all of these things, and far from perfectly, and I will never be finished.

I am flabbergasted at the results. It makes me want to cry, which is something I haven’t been able to do for a long, long, time. So, if you see me at a meeting and I share and I get all choked up over some little thing, it’s alright. I’m really just tickled pink to be there.

Johnnyboy