The Journey's the Thing…

I feel as if the world is being pulled from beneath my feet. I will never be able to show my face in my “homegroup” again. By my actions I have possibly destroyed what was a vibrant and cohesive unity in sobriety. It will never be the same and I will always be thought of as The Bad Guy.

Today is the 1st Anniversary of my being released from jail. This means it is also the first whole year of sobriety I have had outside those cold walls. This, too, is an anniversary of sorts. I will have 3 years of sobriety in December. I never had the luxury of working the first 2 years of sobriety in the real world. My first 2 years were spent in a jail cell, isolating as a necessary tool for survival.

No wonder I’m so screwed up.

Johnnyboy

I have just sent off an email to several people involved my homegroup issue over drugs and AA.

I realized, through numerous consultations and talks with others, that I needed to examine my true part in this thing and from whence it grows.

Resentment.

I came out of jail and jumped right back into my program full steam ahead. I did everything that came along the pike in terms of service and began to think that I was the only one doing anything. I know I have control issues, but this time they were right out in front. I thought that I could turn the current group of relative newcomers (of which I am one) into the old group of people with a whole lot of longterm sobriety. I would do this by forcing them to refocus on the subject and stick to the matter at hand.

I have discovered, through much pain, that this is similar to herding cats.

I take full responsibility for my vote on the Blue Card issue, and stand by it. I cannot control the reactions of others, nor the direction that the group wishes to go. I must turn this over to HP and The Force do its thing.

AA and this group were there before me, and they’ll probably be there when I’m gone. Thankfully I don’t have to drink over any of this mess.

Now…

More X-Files! I am almost finished with season 6 and have researched the whole ‘changing of the guard’ scenario on-line. I think I’ll probably watch the whole 9 seasons, just to see how Doggett and the other one work out.

Breathe

Johnnyboy